This is my first time posting on this board. Please forgive me for the long story. For some time now, I have known things were not okay between my husband and me. Nine years ago, we had a very bad time of it when I discovered he was spending all his non-working time viewing online porn sites. It came as a shock to find out he was doing this. It wasn't just the porn, it was the fact that he was refusing to spend any time with me or our children, and was watching porn while I was at activities with the children. He was very abusive towards me, both when confronted and afterwards, blaming me at first, then becoming apologetic and agreeing to go to therapy. The last nine years have not been terrific, but we worked out an agreement to try to get along for the sake of the children. Now, things on the surface are great; financially we are doing so well from some business decisions we have made, the children are older and turning out so well, and we were having a good year...on the surface. I have had doubts about him for the last couple of years, suspecting he is working up to having an affair, or was having affairs, however, being busy with the kids and work, I decided I would look the other way. The reasons for this is observing him flirting with any and all young women we run into, including several young women we have had as tenants in our apartment buildings. I haven't had any proof, but whenever I asked any questions, I was told I am insane, jealous, untrusting, etc. He has always had a very stong sex drive, and in recent months, that has gotten worse, with him demanding it almost daily, and on other days, ignoring me totally beyond talking about the kids or business. I have felt used and hurt, but also my hackles have been up. He had started staying home alone whenever we had activities, and last month stayed home while I took the kids on vacation for a week. It made sense at the time, as we were expecting carpenters to come, but then they didn't come until the day we returned. Honestly, this will sound like I am paranoid and jealous, but I thought that he was staying home to perhaps start something with one of the women who works for us. Whenever he works with her on an evening shift, he is always super late coming home, but always has a reason for it.
Anyways, last week, he called me out of the blue to tell me he was sending me to London for a vacation all by myself. This really is out of character for him, and I was suspicious as to why he would do that. The next day, he was closing his laptop down before he left to meet a carpenter. He handed it to me, telling me to try it out, that it is a very nice. I went to open a website I have been on before, and all the history was erased. Being suspicious, I checked the cookie history and found cookies for hundreds of hard core porn sites he has been viewing. A lot of it of course was during the time we were away. I called him on his cell, and he handled it so coolly, even excusing himself to tell the person he was with that he needed to take the call. You would never have been able to tell from his voice what he had just been confronted with. Anyways, he said he would explain when he got home. As soon as I got off the phone with him, I rushed to the bank to transfer my savings into an account he cannot touch(I usually put all my paycheques into a joint account, and my father's estate money is also in there). I so totally do not trust him right now. He denies having any problems, and actually was defending the porn and blaming me. Then, once he went online to our bank account, and saw that I had transferred money, he was then furious at me and started verbally abusing me, telling me I am paranoid and jealous. I feel so betrayed and hurt, I do not know what to do. I feel our entire marriage has been based on lies. I feel calmer this time, as I have had been through this before, but now I am sure he has done more than just online porn, and if my intincts were right about this, they were right about the affairs as well. I do not know where to go from here. I am in a somewhat stronger position this time as well, and at least have the resources safe if I do need to leave him. He left me a note today, asking for another chance for the sake of our children, but it was fake sounding. I believe he has a sex addiction and that things cannot get better between us. I don't know if I can stay and continue to turn the other way. We do not fight much, so the kids are mostly unaware of any trouble between us. I guess the other thing is that if I do decide to leave, I am scared he will lie to the kids and tell them I am crazy. He is a very good liar and I know he could turn them against me. Please, if anyone has any advise, please I need it.
"whenever I asked any questions, I was told I am insane, jealous, untrusting, etc. "
"He has always had a very stong sex drive, and in recent months, that has gotten worse, with him demanding it almost daily" (they often do this at the beginning of a new affair)
"He had started staying home alone whenever we had activities" (You are not paranoid at all for being suspicious of that--it's one of the more common things cheaters do.)
"Whenever he works with her on an evening shift, he is always super late coming home, but always has a reason for it. "
A good starting point is recoverynation.com. They have free workshops for both the addict and the addict's partner. It's likely you won't be able to get him to do it, but it's worth a try--anyway in the meantime you can get into recovery yourself even if he doesn't.
Another thing you need to do is set clear boundaries and consequences. Tell him exactly what it is you expect of him (no porn; no flirting with others etc.) and what the consequences are for him overstepping them ( you will leave for a couple days; you will not have sex with him, you will leave forever etc.)
I personally would find a way to get solid proof of his affair(s). It sounds to me like he's pretty deep in his fantasy world by now and needs a reality check--addicts can be reaally good at convincing themselves that they're not doing anything wrong. It's like they create this alternate reality for themselves . It all comes crashing down around them, though; when you confront them with evidence.
It sounds to me like your instincts are right on the money, as the other poster said, by the way he tried to put you down when you confronted him, and then when you draw a line in the sand, he begs to come back.
He sounds addicted, totally, and I wouldn't be surprised if he has crossed into physical cheating as well.
Total load of garbage about being a good Christian and that that should reassure you. Jee, how many upstanding christian evangelists can we name who were messing around.??
Are you sure that no one would support you and you would have to leave the community? There may be more people there to support you than you know. I put off getting a divorce from my first husband for years because of issues like this, and when I did fearfully bring it up, my parents and 99% of my friends said they could see what was going on and wondered why I took so long to say anything...
