Four- and Five-Year-Olds

My son is 4 years old, will be 5 in February.  He is in the head start preschool class at an elementary school. (Which just started in September).  His teacher sends home notes nearly every day saying that he is very strong willed and stubborn and he talks too much and throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way.  This is very true, I deal with it at home all the time.  I have tried taking away toys and TV, I have tried time outs, and spanking.  None of these helped at all.  So then I started spending more with him in case he was just seeking attention, but this didn't help either.  I am at my wits end with him, what else can I do?  If I ask him why he is not listening or why he did something he was told not to, he just says "I don't know" or "Because I don't want to" or something along those lines.  Any ideas??

Thanks,

Jen

My daughter Lindsay is a very strong willed child. What would happen with her was that she would get upset or frustrated and forget what we talked about. She would forget what was the proper way to express her anger or frustration; what was the proper way to let others no she didn't like what they were doing. A few of the things we did was talk about what to do when x,y, or z happened.

For example:

Ben takes the puzzle you were working on, what do you do? How about you tell him nicely that you were working on it. He can have it as soon as you are done. You can talk to the teacher about what happened.

Sarah stepped on your foot, what do you do? How about letting her know she did it. It was probably an accident so give her a chance to apologize. If she is being mean, then what should you do? Ask her to be nicer and talk to the teacher.

You are working on a project and it is not going the way you want it to, what do you do? Keep trying; ask for help; put it aside and try again later; just stop and do something else.

etc.

We also worked with her on finding a place in the class room she could go to whenever she felt upset, frustrated or mad. She would go to the library area. She didn't realize she could do that. She thought the teachers would get mad or tell her she couldn't. They were more than happy to let her go there because both of our goals was to get her to express her perfectly normal feelings in a more appropriate way. The head teacher told her, if she was asked to just say, I need some time and then when she was ready to come back and join the group.

These steps helped, but it still took time. Some days were better than others. The more we talked about it and even spent some time acting the situations out the better she was at remembering what to do when those emotions kicked in.

I do have a question for you, do they tell you when he's talking? A good friend's son was getting in trouble for talking every day last year and it turned out it was mostly when they were in line waiting for their turn to use the water fountain. He was getting bored and so would start chatting with the kids around him. He wasn't acting crazy goofying around or loud, just quietly talking. He was 4, if the only thing he was doing was chatting in line, its not a big deal. The way it was continually reported, my friend that he was back talking, being rude and disruptive during lessons. She wasn't sure what to do, but really felt it wasn't a big deal. Her husband got annoyed by it and ended up talking to the preschool's director who after observing the class for a few days decided the teacher had too high expectations for the behavior of 4 year olds especially during the times they had to wait for their turn at something. They needed something to do to help pass that time.