Four- and Five-Year-Olds

I have a four year old step son that everyone has classified his behavior as a "hitting stage." I don't have much experience with kids his age...i baby sat a four year old that was advanced for his age (he kinda scared me when he looked up at the clock and said "12:30, it's my nap time, can you wake me up in an hour so i don't miss my show?"). 

my step son bites, kicks, scratches, hits, and just started choking.  he also started shaking kids (grabbing them by their arms and shaking them violently) and has tried to do this to his 10 month old cousin but his grandmother stopped him. i have a four month old and i make sure i'm sitting right next to him or dh is at all times so that his big brother doesn't try to harm, he's attempted before but we stopped him.

is this normal behavior for a four year old...i thought he would have out grown it by now (it started when he was 2 and a half)?       

I should have been more specific, it's unprovoked and not when he's angry. When he's mad he'll flop on the floor and lay there until he either he gets what he wants or everyone leaves the room.

he'll walk up to the person and hit them or punch them, sometimes even bite them, or now with the little kids he'll walk up and push them down. there was famiy in from out of town and they wouldn't allow their kids to play with him because he swung at one of his cousins, no reason just did it and took another one to a room and shut the door, i know he did that because he was jealous. One time my husband was holding him and telling him he loved him and he wanted a kiss good bye, my step son scratched him down the side of his face and started to giggle.

he's done this since he was 2 and a half, i was hoping it was just a hitting stage but we were told that his mom's new boyfriend will hit him if doesn't do what he's told or if he's not playing with his own nephew and has beaten him once when he was drunk. there was one instance when he had just turned two that he was punched by a different boyfriend, the police are still trying to find the kid who did it. When we found out, it threw up a red flag for us and we are trying to get more information before we start accusing.  

we don't have visitation right now, but we are in the process of getting it.  the mom doesn't want her son around my husband, she'd much rather my step son think her boyfriend was his father.  this causes us only to see him when he's at a relative's house. 

That makes it harder.

I do think you hit on something when you mentioned some of it might be jealousy. He doesn't want the other kids to have any of the attention. It sounds like he is willing to take the negative attention, just to make sure he has all of the attention.

He's also learned from other adults in his life that it is okay to hit and hurt others. That is going to take a long time to correct, especially as you don't have custody of him. How do the relatives react when he hits or pushes people?

We usually take his hand and say "no...be nice and apologize", which is usually met with flopping on the floor. my husband and i've quit trying to punish him because he will continue the behavior or say "(mommy's boyfriend's name) lets me".  Last night he bit my husband's aunt on the calf.  She screamed "OW!" at him and he laughed and did it again on her foot.  I know he was trying to get everyone's attention because we watching old home movies and laughing at the screen.  he really got mad and the behavior escalated when they fast fowarded through a video of him and my father in law caught him trying to potty in his pants and had to carry him upstairs. 

Last night the behavior was really bad...to the point he lied about a toy falling behind the couch and i saw him holding that toy not even two minutes later. He kicked, scratched, and bit and i think you're right about it being negative attention.  I also feel it's because it's a lack of follow through with punishment threats (i.e. bite and no movie tonight, scratch and no more bumble bee toy). 

Also with him living with his grandparents who parent one way and spending 50% of his time with other family members that parent a different way.  It gets confusing for him and i know he's caught up in the the tornado of his mom's life where she picks up and goes and drags him around and dumps him on some friend or family member.  He has no structure, no set bedtime or wake time, meals are irregular and it's what ever she can microwave or fastfood. I know he is told constantly not to tell grandma where he's been.  I've witnessed it first hand, when we got him once for an afternoon, he was instructed not to tell anyone he was with daddy. 

I worry about him being abused by her boyfriend and ignored by his mom and her parents.  I fear we're gonna find out he's been removed from the home and we won't get to see him.