If you see this on other websites, sorry, I am just trying to get as much input as possible before making a final decision on what to do. Sorry for the length, but it was necessary in order to explain everything.
I was just wondering what you think an appropriate age for dropping off at the mall is. Last year, a mom dropped my 11 year old daughter off with her 12 year old, her 9 year old and another 11 year old. I was never asked permission, in fact earlier in the day, I was supposed to take the girls ice skating, and the mom told me-”Oh, I just drop them off” and I thought to myself-no way-I will stay! Anyway, the ice skating rink was closed, so the other mom said she had shopping to do and would take them. My daughter called me from Kohl’s to ask if it was o.k. for the mom to buy her something, and that after that they were going to the mall. I just assumed the mom would be going with them. At that point, I don’t think even my daughter knew they were going to get dropped off. I would have definitely said NO!!!!! I think they are too young for that. Well, what happened after that is just absolutely horrible. My daughter is very sensitive and had recently been made to cry on the bus because her 2 best friends (one of which is the 12 year old) were constantly leaving her out and ignoring her. They would never let her sit on the bus with them and were treating her quite horribly. One day she just got so hurt over it that she cried, and after that, they were all just very cruel to her along with everyone else on the bus teasing her simply because she cried. Well, at the mall they wanted to see if they could make her cry again. She wanted to get a pretzel, and asked them to come with her and they said they would wait in the circle, which is right behind the pretzel store. When she was turned away ordering her pretzel, the girls ran away from her. She would call them, they would tell her they were in a particular store, she would go there, and they would not be there again, so she would call again. This went on from 1:43 to 2:01p.m. When she found them, they asked if she cried and she said no, so when she was looking at something on a rack, they did it again, from 2:23 to 3:01. They even sent her to the back of Spencer’s, which I’m sure most of you know that it is very adult back there-they knew it too. How do I know the times, I pulled them up on my phone bill online, for a total of 21 phone calls from my daughter to these girls. My daughter wasn’t even going to tell me what happened, but I am the kind of mom who goes through my children’s phones so I can know what is going on at all times. When I saw that many phone calls, I knew something was wrong so I questioned her and she finally told me. I had even called in between all of this and she didn’t say anything because she did not want to get the other girls in trouble, all she wanted was to have her friendships back, but it seems the girls had other plans. I knew she was really scared through all of this, she is only 11 and running around the mall alone, abandoned, and when she told me they asked if she cried and she said no, I asked if she wanted to, and she said more than anything, but she didn’t want them to get mad at her or make fun of her -I wanted to get sick. When I asked her where the mom was, she told me she dropped them off, and I freaked out. I called her and told her what happened, and her exact words were, “Oh my God, that’s disgusting!” Yeah-you think! She told me she would talk to her daughter about it to find out what happened, and I never heard from her again, no apology, or anything. My daughter was so upset, that she would no longer go on the bus because she was afraid, and very sad also. In a matter of weeks, she had just lost two of her best friends, that may seem trivial to you, but to an 11 year old, it’s her entire life. She had been best friends with them since she was 6, that’s almost half of her life and it was all taken away from her. They used to see each other nearly every day and had sleepovers nearly every weekend it was like these girls were part of our family. She did very bad in school and actually ended up failing a class that marking period, she could not focus or concentrate, and I had to have a conference with all of her teachers because of it. When I explained the situation to her teachers they agreed that the incidents could be causal to her behavior. I could not get her to go back on the bus, and ended up driving her for the rest of the year. This entire incident changed her entire life. She still is afraid to make new friends, but finally is getting better at it. As I had mentioned earlier, I had not heard from the mom again, so a few months later, it was really bothering me and I called her to let her know how I simply could not believe that she would not have her daughter apologize for what happened. Her reply was, “well, my daughter said it didn’t happen, so I have to believe her” OH MY GOSH!! I said, “Really, well I have the phone records to prove it!” I went and printed them out for her to see, dropped them off at her doorstep and that night my daughter received a TEXT!!!!!! apology. Wow, it doesn’t get more insensitive than that. In a recent conversation that this woman had with my husband, she still thinks that this is no big deal and that we should just get over it. I feel that no one has taken responsibility for it-there fore I can’t get over it. It was life changing for my daughter. How can I? Everyone I talk to about it thinks it is awful and I recently went to a dinner party with someone who works in the courts, and advised me that I would be within my rights to press charges against this woman for endangering the welfare of my child. I am seriously considering it. Her and I have completely different views on parenting,, I would never drop my 11 year old off at the mall, she has been allowing her daughter to date and make out since she was 11-so again, completely different parenting. My daughter will not be dating any time soon! Please let me know what you think! Oh, and by the end of the school year, with a lot of love, support and encouragement from me, my daughter ended up making the honor roll
BTW, this mom works for Children's Protective Services (DYFS where I'm from)
First of all, you need to get a copy of Rosalind Wiseman's QUEEN BEES AND WANNABEES and read it. Maybe read it several times.
Secondly, you and your daughter both need to get past this. You cannot control other people's behavior, but you can control your own and your own reactions. This happened last year. It is over. You are giving these people way too much power over your life and the life of your child.
I don't have children, so my perspective may be somewhat limited.
First, I'm sorry to hear that children your daughter considered friends would be so cruel to her. That truly is awful. It is unfortunate that your daughter had to suffer through losing friendships with girls she's known for so long; however, it seems (from what you've written) that the friendship with this particular set of girls was unhealthy. It couldn't have been very good to her self-image if her friends were finding enjoyment in trying to make her cry.
I can't really provide any insight into what you should do now besides focusing on your daughter's well being; however, to answer one of your 1st questions, I think 11 years of age is too young to just be dropped off at the mall.
While I only have a 2 year old I do have a 12 year old sister. I agree with you that 11 is way too young to be cruising the malls without parental supervision. What those kids did was cruel, she is better off without them. That's just the thing though, some kids are cruel, your daughter has learned that at an early age, some learn that at an older age. My sister has gone though many things since being in school and while tough at the time she gets through it and learns from it. I think pressing charges would be a waste of time, i think you and your daughter need to move on, and I'm not saying that in a nasty way at all, it's just unhealthy to live in the past. It's not uncommon to come into contact with other parents that make different parenting choices than we might, my kid is only 2 and I already see that. All you can do is continue raising your kid the way you see fit and the next time a parent offers to take your kid out somewhere ask if there will be supervision, if there is not you always have the option to decline or go along. It's all about keeping the lines of communication open btw both sets of parents so you are all on the same page.
I would advise that you not press charges, that would only add gasoline to the fire, and make things worse for your daughter. Imagine the teasing she would have to go through if this woman's daughter were to learn of this.
As for your daughters "friends", she's so much better off without people in her life that treat her badly. I'm twenty-nine years old, and I've been going through something similar with someone who's been my "best friend" since my freshman year at high school. She would constantly point out that her classes were always more advanced than mine, made fun of my first car and would not ride in it, thought nothing of ditching me for long periods of time until her new friends got sick of her. She threw a fit in senior year because she thought her pictures turned out bad. I tried to console her by telling her mine weren't the greatest either. She replied to me, "Yes, but MY pictures usually turn out great." This continued into adulthood, and I finally had had enough of her crap. Sad thing is, she cried, and seriously didn't understand why I didn't want to be friends anymore. I see an equally sad future for people who behave like this as they reach adulthood.
I'm sorry for turning this into a "me" story, but seriously, don't hang onto this, and don't let your daughter waste the same kind of time I did being mentally and verbally abused. She's lucky to have an attentive mother like you:) The best thing you can do now is to work on her self-esteem which is probably a little bruised. Is she interested in martial arts, or any kind of dance or music classes? Those are great ways to make new friends, and boost self-esteem.
