Hello --
I'm usually on the SIF board, but came across this board through casual browsing. Here's my story:
My name is Soni, I'm 41, married and have a 5-y/o DD. DD was conceived effortlessly the month before our wedding. We weren't even trying, but we took the attitude that "if it happens, it happens." Well, I ended up walking down the aisle 6 wks pg. DD was born fine and healthy on 5/13/99.
When DD was 2 1/2, we started TTC #2. Confident that we'd be quickly successful again, we were shocked and dismayed to spend the next 9 months fruitlessly trying. When I finally conceived again, our happiness was short-lived when my u/s at 9 wks showed an empty sac. I originally opted to wait it out and abort naturally, but after waiting in vain for 2 wks, I had a D&C on 8/1/02.
Although we were saddened by our loss, it was mitigated by the knowledge that we'd start TTC again in 3 months and hopeful that we'd be successful the next time. The next time took 13 months. During that time I had an HSG that revealed a blocked tube...it wasn't impossible to conceive naturally, but given my age it was highly unlikely. I became pg 2 months after the HSG; my OB/GYN confirmed my pregnancy on Christmas Eve 2003.
Once again our hopes were dashed when 2 u/s's and 2 beta HCG tests confirmed another m/c. This time I was devastated; it had taken us so long to get there only to lose another one. And DH was adamant about not trying again because it was too painful. My second D&C was scheduled for 2/4/04, but on 1/31 (my 41st bday) I began bleeding heavily. Unfortunately it wasn't enough to expel the entire pregnancy, and I went ahead with the D&C as scheduled. Three weeks later, my OB/GYN called with the results of the genetic testing done on the tissue: this m/c was caused by monosomy 21. The baby would have been a boy.
While DH chose to avoid the issue by not talking about it, I turned to research, books and counseling. Eventually I accepted our loss and the possibility that at age 41 our chances of conceiving naturally is growing less likely with each passing day. Eight weeks after the D&C, DH & I agreed to continue to hope without actively trying, but not doing anything to prevent it, either. It has been 3 months since we started again and of course I'm still not pg.
Here's the problem: while I've been able to cope with the loss fairly well considering, now I've sunken into a deep depression with the realization that I would have been due in exactly one month. Instead of preparing the baby's room and planning my maternity leave, I'm watching two of my friends' families planning their baby showers. One friend is due Oct. 5; the other is due Oct. 27. To add insult to injury, my ex e-mailed me earlier this week with the news that his wife just gave birth to their second child, a girl. They had been TTC #2 for 4 years and had completely given up on having another one. Because my 1st marriage did not end on good terms although my ex seems to think we can have a friendship, my 1st thought upon learning of his DD's birth was "If this jerk can have 2 kids, why can't I?"
I'm still losing sleep over our latest loss and over worrying about how I'm going to react when my friends have their babies. I can't stay away, yet I can't bring myself to visit them because it will only remind me of my own empty womb and empty arms.
How do you cope?
Soni
5/13/99
DA 8/1/02
DA 2/4/04
