Hi Jenni ... Welcome. You're right ... you are NOT the only parent dealing with this situation. What helped me MOST in my own situation was knowing that I was NOT alone, so you've definitely come to the right place. Your DS is still very young. But, in a way, that's a good thing ... get this understood and under control as early on as possible.
First, please look at our Resource Site (above) ... that will give you lots of info on ODD, as well as (hopefully) some hope. My story is there ... and so far, there is a happy ending. We started this journey when our DS, Kevin, was about 4 1/2. He's 12 now and although it's been a bumpy road, I can tell you that things are 1000% better than they were before ... he's off meds and his behavior is really improved. Not 'perfect' (but who is?) but really good. So, there is HOPE.
Next, look at the Behavior Chart Sample on the site and think about implementing one. This is the ideal age to start and in my experience, was the most helpful thing I'd ever done. Just changing the focus from negativity (yelling and screaming and punishing) to positive changed the entire atmostphere in the house which, as you know, isn't a happy place when you're dealing with such a difficult child. Remember that no matter what it may seem like at the moment, your son is NOT doing this intentionally, he is NOT trying to drive you nuts or push your buttons, and he really cannot control his behavior. (I learned this one day after a particularly bad incident with Kevin ... I asked him WHY he behaved the way he did, did he not hear me or understand what I'd asked him to do ... I think I wanted him to take a shower, and it became a 45 min battle ... He looked me right in the eye and said: I hear what you say and I know what you want me to do, but it's like 1/2 of my brain just won't let me ... it pulls the other side in the other direction, and even though I know what I'm supposed to do, my brain just won't let me. I think he was like 7 at the time ... pretty powerful stuff. (Picture the cartoon angel/devil conscious-thing, and that's what he described. But, changing to a positive approach ... outlining what behaviors are expected, rewarding the good ones, and showing him that he 'earns' privileges for compliance was the first step in changing our lives.
There are also several Book Suggestions on the site which may help you. My favorite is Winning Cooperation ... by Kenneth Wenning. The first couple of chapters are tough to get through because it talks about how the parent has to change first ... and I don't think the intent is to BLAME the parents for their kids behaviors (that's the part that's tough to swallow) ... but what they mean is that we need to change first before our kids do, which make sense. We KNOW that the way our children behave is wrong and inappropriate, and we expect them to change ... but we expect them to change while we continue to react the same way. They misbehave, we yell/scream/punish, they have a meltdown, we yell/scream some more, and nothing changes, right? What we need to do (and it's HARD!) is change our reaction ... only when WE change will we see a change in our children. And, if you can accept the fact that they're not doing this intentionally (think about it, would you want someone mad at you all the time?) then you'll be on the road to making changes. When we punish our ODD kids for misbehaviors (that they can't control,) what happens is that their frustration level increases, so instead of learning from their actions (which is the intent of a punishment, right) they get more upset ... and eventually give up. (Why should I try when I'm in trouble all the time anyway ... why should I care?) Change it to outlining (in a chart) the behaviors you want ... focus on 3-4 of the biggest issues at a time ... and then reward for compliance. You'll find that you're getting upset a lot less and his behavior improves. It takes time, and you will go one step forward, two steps back for a bit ... but don't give up!
Meds don't really (not always) help the ODD stuff ... sometimes when a child has multiple diagosis (ADHD/ODD) the meds for one will help the other (which happened with us when Kevin was diagnosed with both and put on Concerta) ... but not always. ODD is more about behavior mods than about meds.
OK, hopefully the above as well as our Resource Site will start you in the right direction ... but please come by often. You are not alone, and sometimes just knowing that is enough to get you through a day. It was for me ...
(((HUGS)))
Nancy
