ODD: Oppositional Defiant Disorder

I recently got remarried after being divorced for 4 years. My DH is a SWEETHEART. He has a DS, my DSS (let me know if I get these acronyms wrong, please), who is also 7. This child is a great, smart kid, and I love him. However, he has something going on that I think is ODD. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, something I am familiar with. However, he acts out MUCH more than any kid I've seen at this age. He is quick to anger, hits and kicks his dad, threatens my daughter, and in general acts like he's stuck in the terrible two's. After extensive research, it seems to me that the ADHD is coupled with ODD. I hope that I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

My question is: How long does it take for a birth parent to realize that their child needs help? His Daddy loves him SO much, and seems to think that this behavior is the fault of the divorce or his not being with his son all the time. I know this little guy misses his dad, but I, as well as friends of ours who have asked me in no uncertain terms "What is wrong with that little guy?", know that this is much more than a reaction to divorce and/or separation anxiety. I cannot possibly me the "messenger" to bring up that there is a bigger problem than ADHD here, but I also have to deal with the behavior every other weekend, as well as how my DH becomes (tense, overprotective, then frustrated and angry with his child). Do I wait until he has huge problems at school? He has had a couple "meltdowns" there but nothing that has caused a huge problem, thank goodness. They have changed his meds for ADHD, but it hasn't affected the mean, angry behavior. He will openly defy his Dad or I or anyone - with that "Bite Me" look in his eyes that tells you he's perfectly aware of his choice to ignore directions. Will this get worse? What can I do to help? I have the advantage of having worked with BD kids in an elementary setting for a year, but when it's your family it's competely different.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Thanks!

I don't think you're wrong, and ODD often accompanies ADHD.  Many parents who have separated and divorced feel so much guilt over the split that they blame everything on that situation and often overlook the more obvious problem with their kids, which is a shame because eventually they'll figure it out ... in the meantime, a lot of precious time is wasted.

My suggestion to you would be to arm yourself with something concrete to show him.  Click on our Resource Site above which has loads of info on ODD.  Perhaps print out the "What is ODD?" section ... and say something like "I was looking into info on ADHD so I can help DS when he visits and came across this site, and it was like looking at a picture of him ... doesn't this sound just like DS?  Amazing!"  Then, leave him to digest the info and see what he says.  Perhaps pick up one of the books in the Book Review section.  If he sees you as interested in researching to HELP his child, he may be more receptive.  Also, what type of relationship do you have with BM?  Perhaps you can compare notes with her and see if the light doesn't go on.

ODD isn't as 'known' or common as ADHD ... and as less is known, less people are apt to jump in with a "wow, sounds to me like he might have ODD" ... but often when people see the symptoms, it's like they finally have a name for the problems they've experienced.

Good luck ... let us know what happens.

WHERE do I go now that they are closing this board? I am VERY concerned - this is a HUGE issue and there are so many people who can use this to get help and support.

You are a great parent to take such an interest in this child who isn't even 'your's' technically.  I think that you might want to try using the behavior chart on the weekends he's with you, and see how that works.  If you see some positive results, you may want to share that with BM.  Everyone needs to get over the whole concept of who is failing and focus on the child ... and probably you may need a 3rd party mediator (as in a therapist) to work with both parents.  The one thing that is critical with these kids is consistency ... and it isn't possible to have an exact environment in 2 households when parents are divorced, but there needs to be some sort of agreement on the critical areas.  If you try the chart and it works, you need to share that with BM and let her try it as well.  If DSS knows what to expect in both places, he's more likely to cooperate.  Neither parent is a failure if the child has 'issues' ... but they are both failing the child if they don't acknowledge the problem and seek a solution.