Parents of College Students

So yesterday I found out that my 18 DS has not gone to his college classes since October first. I have been driving him to and fro for a month since I lost my job and HE HAS NOT BEEN GOING TO HIS CLASSES!!!!! I am so angry I could kill him. I guess a little background is necessary.

We have 3 kids; twin girls 19 at separate upstate NY colleges, 18 DS Mildly Autistic at local commuter community college. He does not drive, he is way to distractible.

When his classes began I was taking him in the morning before work and picking him up at night after work. I was forced into to doing that because my husband's employer would not let him telecommute so he could drive this kid.

I was laid off September 22nd, so after that I was driving him there and waiting for him on short days or leaving and going back to pick him up on longer ones. He even has a 3 hour class on Saturday which is incredibly disruptive.

Last week he received a letter in the mail from the Dean of Student Services requesting a meeting because of some issues. At that time he claimed he had no idea what the letter was referring to. Yesterday I pushed him to tell me what was going on and he said that he had stopped going to all his classes except for one because he was having trouble understanding the material.

Well, I am not to proud to admit I went ballistic ( while driving yet). and sent him to his room, telling him " I don't want to see you until Dad gets home". I then called DH, ruining  his day for sure, and told him what I had discovered. He kept it together much better than I had and told me to call the Dean's office and schedule the meeting.

So Dad and son will meet with the Dean Wednesday 10/28(tomorrow) and I will try not to bite the head off of the job counselor I have to meet with tomorrow as well,to keep getting unemployment benefits.

Wow! He sure went through alot of trouble to keep up the illusion! Why couldn't he just come out and say "I'm having trouble?" Maybe he was embarrassed? Was he registered at the school as an autistic student to get him academic support? All colleges should have that.

BTW I would have gone ballistic too.

Oh, that doesn't sound good. I hope your DS has been studying on his own, and that he'll still do okay in his exams. (I've dreamed a lot about having to take finals after missing classes the whole semester--it's no fun!)

It must be a stressful time for you, having lost your job and now this. Many hugs to you...it won't last forever.

So Dad and son will meet with the Dean Wednesday 10/28(tomorrow) and I will try not to bite the head off of the job counselor I have to meet with tomorrow as well,to keep getting unemployment benefits.

I am so sorry that you're going through all this -I've gone through both in some sense: dh losing his job when I was home with small kids, and csdd not telling us the year she didn't go to a final,  but pretended she had. I had to laugh a little bit, totally WITH you, not at you, because I actually remember saying the same thing to csdd - I am not even going to talk to you until dad gets home. And I never say things like that. I just knew that ds was more calm and I was so frantic - wondering if she'd fail the class, cut her hours, lose her health insurance. I mean, dh PICKED HER UP right after the last exam and she was like, "oh yeah, it was fine." We found out weeks later when grades were posted and she got an incomplete. So, why do they think that ignoring it will help??? Don't they realize that YES we will find out? I have no clue. My own dd was trying to "work it all out" herself. I was pretty mad about it for weeks - the lying, not so much the not going to her exam. It's so un-nerving and upsetting. I felt bad for her, but at the same time I was completely p.o'd at her and just not needing that stress myself :(

Please come back and tell us how the meeting with the dean went. Is your son on accommodations? I mean, I know that it doesn't excuse not going to class, but it has saved my dd's backside a few times, having her student services person step in.

Good luck!!!

Theresa

I empathize with you, having gone through lots of this kind of stuff with my dd. For a couple of months I was dropping her off/picking her up from a CC night class that I eventually learned she was not attending. Maybe she saw it as a way of going out in the evening with no questions asked? We never got a satisfactory answer. There were problems with some of the day classes too but at least she was getting herself to and from those on the bus. In my dd's case, we made her reimburse us for the expenses (fees and books) we had paid for the classes that she failed. She tried a couple more semesters and those she had to pay up front with her own money, and we would reimburse her when she did well. Ultimately it was decided that college was not for her.

Where was your ds spending the time and what was he doing when he was supposedly in classes? Has he explained why he didn't ask somebody for help or advice?

Let us know how the meeting went, and what the "plan" is for the near future. Good luck with keeping calm!