Parenting Issues Debate

Hello,

I am hoping to be able to get some advice. I have two boys, an eight year old, and a six and a half year old. My youngest has been battling kidney disease since birth, and currently has Chronic Renal Failure. He spends a large amount of time in the hospital, and I always stay with him. My eight year old feels very left out, and is having self esteem issues. I struggle with trying to balance both of my boys needs, and feel as though I am being pulled in different directions. They fight CONSTANTLY and I feel so badly for both of them. I would appreciate ANY advice whether you have a "sick" child or not, and would love to hear ideas about how to make both of them feel loved and appreciated!! Thank you in advance for your comments!!

                                                  Vanessa

Well, siblings fight. THAT'S a delighfully normal part of all this. Mine would squabble over who got the most cherries in their serving of fruit cocktail. I suspect that you are, understandably, attributing the fighting to the current situation instead of the more likely "they're brothers".

You must be exhausted. I don't want to suggest anything that would make you more exhausted but, if you have the energy, I would certainly take the healthy child somewhere special now and then-just the two of you. It could be as simple as picking him up from school and having lunch together at Mcdonalds.

And avoid getting pulled into any guilt trips. If he claims he feels neglected, don't remind him of that trip to McDonald's. Just say you are sorry he feels that way(he is entitled to FEEL whatever he desires)and remind him that you love him. Big hug and on with life.

That is how I would handle it.

Good luck with all of this.

Thank you!!! That is SO true about the sibling fighting, because half of it is about video games, and who got more dessert! My older one definately gets the guilt going, and lashes out at his younger brother with HORRIBLE remarks " I hope you die!!" or " HA ha you have to take medicine and I don't!". On the flip side my younger one tells me his "kidney's hurt" when it is time to clean his room or take a bath. I think the hardest part of ALL of this is being a "stern" parent when I feel sad for BOTH of them. I know that by not allowing them to use the guilt trips on me, I am actually HELPING them, but how do you do that when there is so much sadness involved?

You are making a mistake by always staying with your son when he is in the hospital. I know you feel that he is ill, you might lose him, and you want to spend whatever time you do have with him, but you are neglecting your other son.

When I was 11, I was hit by a car--hit and run. I spent 3 months in the hospital. I went back in when I was 15 for another 8 weeks. My dad had passed away when I was 10. The only time my mother stayed at the hospital, was when I was having my surgeries. Otherwise, she came on Saturdays, and some Sunday afternoons. I had/have a sister. My mom had a house and family to care for. She let me know I was well taken care of by the hospital staff, and that she had other responsibilities. She called, she sent cards, but she did NOT sit by my bed 24/7. There were several other girls on my floor. Not ONE of their parents sat by their beds continuously. And NONE of us begrudged our parents their time with the rest of the family. We hospital kids bonded; the nurses and tutors kept an eye on us, and we survived. And normal sibling spats aside, I am close with my sister.

I have a girlfriend. Her sister was also hit by a car. The sister spent 5 months in the hospital. Her mother spent every waking moment with her sister, and her dad was there whenever he was not working. Grandma and Auntie watched my girlfriend. TO THIS DAY, she suffers from the neglect. From being told, "We might lose your sister--we need to be with HER". It made my girlfriend feel like she was not important to her parents. It made her sister a spoiled brat.

My younger dd spent a few weeks in the hospital. At first I slept in the chair in her room, because if she woke up and didn't see me, she would tear the IV's out of her arm. I figured it was OK, because my mom and their Daddy was home with my other dd. But I soon realized my other dd needed me too. And so did my husband, my job and my house. I realized that my dd in the hospital would NOT die of a broken heart, and that she tolerated her "confinement" better when she knew I wouldn't come running. It was better for ALL of us, and dd in the hospital was only 3.