Hi All,
I'm new to this board and totally fascinated by the WOH/SAH debate. As I read through other posts, I'm a bit suprised, and a bit saddened, by how many (1) WOH moms feel like they have to work, and (2) SAH moms who disapprove of WOH moms "unless they have to."
I'm of the strong opinion that SAH versus WOH is almost always a choice, and that women should be empowered by that fact. Here is my story:
When my son was four months old, I thought I had to return to work because (1) my paid maternity leave was over, (2) if I quit and decided to return to work in later years, no one would ever hire me because of the resume gap, and (3) DH wasn't supportive of me staying home (I earned more than him at the time and finances would have been tight). So I cried and agonized and felt like a total victim as I prepared to return to work, ultimately flipping out and delaying my return for another two months.
In those two months, I seriously thought about whether I should (and could) return to work and realized, it was my choice. Yes, we might have to consider moving out of Los Angeles to a cheaper part of the country. Yes, if I decided to quit and then rejoin the workforce, I might have a tough time finding a job and might have to invest in more education or even start in a less pretigious job with less pay than the one I would be leaving. YES, YES, YES I would be enduring significant marital strife if I didn't return to work, but not even my husband could not "make me" be a WOH mom if I didn't want to. It was wonderful and liberating to realize that I didn't have to go back to work if I didn't want to.
But you know what? At the end of the day...faced with the alternatives that I had, I decided to return to work on a part-time basis. If part-time hadn't been available to me in those difficult "infant" months, I probably would have SAH, for at least some period of time. About six months later, I also decided to take a less demanding job that allows me more mental, physical and emotional energy for the times that I do spend with DS every day.
Once I was freed from the perspective of thinking that I had to work solely because my family needs the money, I became a much happier person. I fully acknowledge that a big part of why I work is completely for me. I can worry less about finances and indulge in a $5 a day Starbucks habit. I can get dressed in nice clothes and have intellectual conversations with grown-ups. I can know that as my son gets older, he will be proud of the fact that his mom has a career. And DS, in turn, benefits from a happier mom, a more financially secure family and more time with DH (we stagger our work hours to limit the amout of time he spends with the nanny).
I am not advocating WOH, or condemning SAH, I am simply saying that moms should feel like they have choices. Under many different circumstances, I would choose to SAH on a temporary or possibly permanent basis But right now, given my alternatives, this arrangement works wonderfully for me and my family.
I think moms say (and feel) that they "have" to work because it assuages the guilt they feel about leaving their child in the hands of another. Well, I refuse to feel guilty for working, even though I could choose to stay at home. I wish we would all embrace our choices, stop feeling like victims of our circumstances, and, above all things, stop judging the choices of others.
And if you really feel like you have no other choice than to work (that you need the money), I encourage you to really explore whether this is true. You may be thinking, "If I don't work, we can't afford our mortgage. My kids can't go to camp. We can't go on vacations." Well, this is a choice. You could choose to move into a smaller house or a cheaper city or town. You could send your kids to public school; vacation at the lake instead of the beach, give up the Starbucks, etc. Heck, even if you are a single-mom, many choose to go on welfare rather than work. I'm not advocating either way, just saying there is always a choice, although I fully acknowledge that sometimes the alternatives are really unappealing. You may discover, and take pride in that fact, that you work for more than just financial reasons. Or, you may realize that quiting your job is an option and the absolute best thing you can do for your family. But if you are unhappy, do something about it! Stop feeling like a victim.
