<<< My advise is Give the kids more unconditional love than they need, carry out any threats, don't allow disrespect, teach them manners, and swat them if you must. (We are not talking about beatings, or abuse). I'd also like to hear other opinions on this subject.>>>
Well I had a slightly different experience with spanking. I'm a 41yo mom of seven. I was spanked, and no, I did not swear at my parents (to their face at any rate) but that's because I was afraid of being hit, not because I respected them. I talked back as much as I dared, and I moved out as soon as I was old enough to go. I spanked my oldest kids because I thought that was what you were supposed to do. My oldest 2 are 20 and 18 now, and unlike you, mine did talk back and swear at me as they got older. Spanking did not have any effect on them once they got old enough to be "too old to spank". (you try spanking a child who is a foot taller than you!) Once they knew I couldn't actually hurt them anymore, they had no reason to curb their behavior. My oldest has pretty much grown out of this kind of disrespectful behavior, but my 18yo is right in the middle of it and his behavior is the strongest confirmation I could ever imagine for NOT spanking. I thought I was teaching him to be respectful by hitting him... turns out I was teaching him that you only have to "respect" those who have the power to hurt you.
I have raised my younger kids without spanking, and they are FAR more respectful than their older siblings ever were, because their behavior is based on our relationship, and not on whether or not I will hurt them if they do something I don't like. I have been able to teach my babies/toddlers about dangerous stuff without resorting to hitting them, and it has been far more effective than slapping hands or popping bottoms ever was. You are right, I am worried about the kind of long-term damage I can see in my older kids resulting from spanking. I wish I had taken it more seriously when they were little. I turned out to be a good mom and a respectful adult IN SPITE OF being spanked, not because of it. My oldest is growing into a wonderful, respectful young man IN SPITE OF all the mistakes I made raising him, including spanking him.
I firmly believe that the solution to getting children to show respect is to treat them with respect. Threatening and hitting people is not respectful in any context. It IS getting harder to raise respectful children today because our culture does not model respect anymore. (10 minutes of just about any TV channel will show you this) Regardless of what is taught in the home, you cannot completely shelter your child, they WILL see what others are doing and how they talk and interact with each other. I believe that this, more than anything, is the source of the behavior we are seeing today. Hitting a child will not neutralize this influence. Fortunately, spanking has definitely taken a downturn in our culture. Even "closet spankers" have a very different idea of what "spanking" looks like than they did in my generation or my parents' or their parents'. I don't know of anyone who actually spanks bare skin, uses actual paddles, belts or switches, or who would give a child a "darn good spanking" the way we got them in my day. A few swats on a clothed behind with an open palm is the generally accepted method. How exactly is this supposed to instill the kind of "respect" you are talking about? Or do you think we need to go back to good old fashioned spanking?
Spanking is NEVER a good way to treat any child. There are too many other good, respectful, effective ways to discipline that do not include inflicting physical pain and humiliation on a child.
Stephanie
mom to seven sensational kids!
