Discipline Styles Debate

My son will be a year old next month. He's a happy, curious crawler and has a particular fascination for the TV, which he isn't allowed to touch. I'm happy to endlessly tell him 'no' and redirect, but my SO (his dad) is starting to talk about maybe giving him a smack to reinforce the 'no'.

I DO NOT WANT TO HIT MY BABY. I do not want my SO to hit him. But I need to find a way to explain to my SO that he doesn't need to smack. It's what he knows from his childhood and from raising his daughter from a previous relationship (now 11yo).

My SO adores our baby and is a very good dad, but tends to strictness where I am more lenient. He also prefers 'tried and proven' methods, and IHO smacking is one of those.

Help.

There are some things that you just have to put your foot down about, hitting a baby is definitely one of them! How your child is treated at this age can have a very profound effect on how he grows up.

I have seven kids, I spanked my oldest 4 from a very young age (popping hands and bottoms when they started to crawl and get into things) and they grew up thinking this was normal. I learned about "positive discipline" when I was pregnant with my 5th child, and decided to try to raise her without spanking, at least for the first few years. This worked out very well, but there finally came a time when I lost my temper and swatted her on the bottom when she was about 2 years old. I will never forget the look on the faces of my older children and on my 2yo daughter... absolute betrayal and horror! Mommy, you don't HIT little girls!!! That was the first time that it I really understood the difference. If you hit a baby, you teach them that hitting and being hit is a normal and acceptable way to be treated and treat others. They have to internalize this lesson for spanking to be "effective", otherwise they would respond the way any normal person responds to being hit... they rebel and are angry and offended and hurt. Conditioning a baby to accept being hit is a very bad thing, because it desensitizes them to something that should not be acceptable. This is the main reason most adults feel that hitting children is acceptable, because they were desensitized to it, in much the same way people were once desensitized to slavery because it was what they were familiar with.

My youngest son just turned 1 this month, and there is no way on earth I would allow my husband to hit him in any way, I would consider that abuse and it would be grounds for some major changes in our relationship if it ever occurred. Fortunately, everyone in our family would be horrified if someone even suggested hitting our little guy. (I think his older brothers would punch anyone who tried it!) It is absolutely not acceptable for ANY reason. If my DH was hitting my 1yo, I would insist on parenting counseling and would let him know that I would leave him if he did not immediately stop. If he hit ME even ONCE, I would not hang around to be hit a second time, I would do no less to protect my child. Yes, it is "that bad", protecting my child's well being is a lot more important than protecting a TV. Find your inner momma bear... anyone who tries to hurt my baby has to go through me first! :-) Sometimes that's just what you have to do, because if you don't protect your child, no one else will.

Be strong, momma!

Stephanie
mom to seven sensational kids!!!

Ask SO/Daddy to put a barrier between the tv and the baby.  Viola - no more no!

I HATED saying No 100 times a day...he didn't listen to me when I said it.

And then someone on this board asked me, if I heard a word 100 times a day, what value would that word have?

Or compare it to a puppy...you have a new puppy and want to teach it to sit.  You've seen the folks that repeat "sit" over and over and over while the puppy does whatever.

They don't use positive re-enforcement with the puppy...a strong command, show puppy how to sit and reward.

Pretty much the same thing.

Also, I found that my son wanted the TV more because DH watched it.  It was shiny, colorful, moving, musical thing he didn't understand.  I also showed DH by turning the tv OFF, it helped.  But oh the horror of turning off the tv!

We had barriers for our son when he was small, which basically turned our (rather large) family room in a large playpen.  I have a disease that at times requires me to be in the bathroom longer than normal.

I needed to know 100% that he was safe in there.

He couldn't get out but also couldn't get to lights, plugs, the tv or fireplace.

Sure it looked dorky...we had plastic fencing around the fireplace!

BUT my peace of mind was worth it...it made life SO much better!!!!!!!!

I'd also get some books on positive parenting for SO, if he will read them.

If not, blow up one or two pages and put them places he will read it.

Say things to the baby when he uses his hands wrong, hands are loving not hitting, etc.

My DH thought I was bonkers at first as well...totallyold fashioned...but is now on my side 100%.

 

Thank you. It's not that he's a bad or violent guy AT ALL, it's just that smacking is what he knows. He doesn't really believe that not smacking can be effective because he doesn't have experience of it working.

What alternatives do you suggest?

<They don't use positive re-enforcement with the puppy...a strong command, show puppy how to sit and reward.>

I tell him 'No' and sometimes he'll listen right away. If he doesn't, I pick him up and point him in the other direction. I think SO is expecting DS to listen and obey all the time, which just isn't realistic for a not-even-1yo.