Last night DD brought up the number of friends that are pregnant. Honestly, they have their own support group and soon a playgroup. There are at least 6-7 that are all in contact with one another. They all act like this is a good thing.
DD told me about the latest one and that the girl's ex-bf wants nothing to do with her and he has a new gf. Well, I WISH this were the case with my DD. The father of her baby is back in contact with DD every day by cell phone. According to her, he won't give up on the child. This is her distorted view of things... and so typical of her. He's in touch with her because SHE won't give up on HIM. And according to her, WE are the only ones that have a problem with him being in her life. I know her brother and sister have a problem with it and her two closest friends have a problem with him. They think he is mean and abusive. She doesn't hear any of this though. They seem to have given up on trying to talk to her about this, so according to her, they don't have a problem with it anymore. I am so stressed out about this. I am fearful for the child. I told her that her sister said that he would take care of the baby "over her dead body." DD said, "well I guess she's gonna have to die then." Nice.
I tried to keep my cool during this conversation, but when we didn't say what she wanted to hear, she started texting. Who knows to whom. Could have been her friend or ex-(or current... I don't even know) bf. Rude. That's what she does. When she doesn't hear what she wants, she makes the messenger seem like the bad person.
DH came in the room and asked her to name three good things about bf. She couldn't. I left the room, with sort of a "Phhtt". She just said, "Oh I wasn't paying attention." So after I was gone, DH asked her brother to name three good things about his gf and he rattled off about 8. DD still couldn't and just pretended not to be paying attention.
I am becoming sick over this. I drank too much wine last night after all this and now I am depressed today.
DD and I were talking about this very subject the other day. Her best friend (16) from 8th grade is pregnant. Both next door neighbor girls (15 & 16) were pregnant (one miscarried, the other is about to deliver), a 14 yo freshman just had her baby last weekend. She continued to list off atleast 10 other girls in her school that are pregnant.
Take strength in the thought that they haven't rushed out and gotten married. That is exactly what I did to "prove my parents wrong." Your dd has goals and hopes and dreams, once the baby is born and mothering kicks in and bf doesn't "grow up" in the same direction dd is - she'll see him for what he is! Does he have a job? Does he have goals? Can you picture him having anything to do with a screaming newborn? She'll see him for what he is on her own - don't push for her to see it. She sounds as stubborn as I was!!
Focus on her goals and what she wants to be for this baby and herself. She'll see him for what he is.... it might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but one day she will!!
Kel, thanks. Those words are what I needed. Before I go and blow it again today by trying to say too much. I guess I know all that, but I sure need to be reminded alot.
He does apparently have a job according to DD. He works "almost every day." She says she "doesn't know where." When asked, she also "doesn't know" if he is drinking and using drugs every day. Surely he is. He has been for years (2 stints in rehab - one court-ordered and one on his own.)
I guess, either the child is going to change him or not. That will become obvious. The part you said about the screaming baby... that worries me, with his temper. But I have to let go and pray that she will "throw herself in front of a train" to make sure the baby is okay.
I was looking at one of my dd's prom pics this morning. There was a pregnant girl in one photo. It seems the past 3 years there are at least 3-4 girls who graduate pregnant. What is up with that? Here, too, it is like they are so proud of themselves. Not that they should be walking around hanging their heads in shame, but my God, think! They should really be thinking about what this means - in the long haul. There is this one girl who shares an apt with her baby's daddy, over on the wrong side of town. Neither of them have a license, car or job - how do they get around or pay for anything, ahem, like FOOD? Thank goodness its within walking distance to the high school and grocers I guess. And she's about to pop. They are not married and fight daily. *I heard all of this from her best friend, one of my dd's friends who lives on our block - she stopped by to help us uncover our pool. Apparently two of her friends are pregnant and she has been named Godmother! Hello??? These kids are only 17 years old. I am appalled. Since when did it become envogue for young unmarried girls to be preggo again? This girl who was at my house became sexually active not that long ago. I have been telling her to hit up Planned Parenthood constantly and for some reason she says she 'feels wierd about it'....my feeling is that if you're old enough to have sex, then you're old enough to get over your feelings of wierdness and get on the pill!!
Your dd's attitude about her bf and everyone always having something negative to say to her sounds SooooOOOOooo much like my 18dd. I have to post an update later about her - wait until you hear. Ugh God.
Hang in there Debbie - and easy on the vin. I do the same thing at times. Try not to beat yourself up over it, you're only human and your mom who only wants 'normal', whatever that is!
I work as a councelor with pregnant teens here in VA. First of all, we are in an epidemic situation not only with teen pregnancy but also with teen STD's. Our area has THE highest number of gonorrhea and syphillis cases in the entire East Coast. Alot has to do with the fact that this is mainly a military community, with a lot of military coming and going. The rates are staggering. I can also speak from personal experience with my teen clients that one of the reasons why pregnancy is appealing as opposed to appalling is that we have made it very easy for them. We set up special schools, special schedules, schools must accomodate pregnant teens and the biggest draw is that there is very little 'struggling'. Now, that may not seem to be the most obvious reason.....but many of these girls are receiving state aid....TANF (temporary aid for needy families), food stamps, WIC, and medicare (insurance). So, they recieve a check, money for food, free health insurance for both themselves and baby, free formula and milk and if enrolled in WIC they can also receive a free brand new carseat and crib. There are also many incentives for pregnant teens thru WIC and other agencies that 'reward' them for attending classes by giving them diapers, bottles, wipes,clothes, etc. So, at say, the ripe old age of 15(studies show most teen parents are pregnant at 15)where there is no concept of any kind of future plans the attraction to have a baby is appealling. I also chalk it up to absent parents. Not just absent parents as far as daddy taking off, etc. But, parents who put more time and effort into work, material things, or themselves and leave very little time and effort for their children. Now, most of my clients come from poverty...so they are just repeating a cycle that they've grown up in. The concept of college, or providing financially and emotionally for themselves and their family is beyond them. To them, providing means getting their own welfare case, and as harsh as it is, it's the truth. Another thing that I do see with some of my more affluent clients is the role of the father in their lives. They either do not have a physical relationship with their father (as in, father took off) or a absent relationship with their fathers. Most fathers just do not know how to parent, particularly to a teen daughter...so they end up shutting down and the daughter looks at this as some kind of rejection, therefore, she looks for attention from other males. Most of us know how this works. As an advocate in this field, I am working (in a mostly uphill battle) to take some focus off of these teen parents and put it back on the family. Fathers need more education/information on how they are impacting the future of their daughters. They seem to do okay, until, like I said, they become teenagers and then fathers mainly just shut down. I know it has happened here in my own home, and I see my very own daughter looking to other males for attention.
So, that's my very long winded attempt at explaining why, at least in our area, the rate of teen pregnancy has risen so steadily. Sorry, I really didn't mean for it to be soooo long:)
