Troubled Teens

Hi All,

I am new to this board but have posted on several others.  I am hoping for some suggestions about my DD - 14 yrs old.  Within the last year and a half, her attitude has gotten worse and worse.  It seems like once she started middle school her attitude just plain SUCKS and she is angry, and irritated with all of us all the time!!!  DH and I can't even hold a conversation with her about school or just about anything else without her getting an irritated tone and yelling at us.  She even yells at my mom.  When something goes wrong, she immediately starts crying and yelling and having a fit (i.e. last night when she couldn't find her cell phone).  She yelled so loudly she scared the baby which caused me to get even more mad at her. We just get so tired of the overreacting for no reason and saying things like she wished we were dead and she wants to kill herself.   She sees a counselor just about every week.  I have tried writing her a letter with all of my concerns and she worked with the counselor to write a response but that's where we are at right now.  The counseling appt. is in another 2 weeks so maybe we can work though some of these issues then. 

I am at my wits end and just don't know what to do any more.  I am so tired of the overreacting, yelling, crying, anger, and "I don't care" attitude.  This is the second time within the week that I cried my eyes out.  I am tired of living like this as this is greatly impacting our family life at home, my life at work and life in general. 

She has ADD and struggles in school - she will be going in for another evaluation next week (with the psychiatrist who evaluated my DSS - we have had good luck with keeping his depression under control so thought DD could possibly benefit as well).  She has tried several meds for ADD with bad side effects - weight loss, more anger, etc. so we though another evaluation couldn't hurt.   We try to provide resources at home and the school is working with her as well, but she just doesn't care and is acting very self-centered and selfish.  I know this is part of being a teen, but this goes beyond the teenager part and the ADD. 

Does anyone have any other suggestions.  I am so tired of living like this that I am willing to try just about anything with her right now.

Welcome to the board.

I can really relate to your post. My dd is 24 now and things are much better, but I sure remember what she was like back then! She also has ADHD, in addition is bipolar and was diagnosed with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). I read everything I could find and tried any technique that made sense to me. If it worked I kept it in my arsenal and if it didn't I just moved on. I'll share a couple of the ones that were most effective for me.

The first is the "HUH" technique. This is for when she is on an hysterical rant, typically screaming how much she hates you and that she hopes you drop dead. Ignore her. Totally. Just keep on doing whatever you are doing. She does not exist. When she finally tires and stops to draw a breath, look at her like you just realized she was standing there and say "HUH?" like you didn't hear a word she said. The first time I did this my dd went through the entire thing twice and drew breath for the third time before she realized what I was doing and stomped off.

The second is for when she threatens you with...whatever, if you try to discipline her. This one takes practice. I used to talk to myself in the mirror until I could say it without even thinking about it. For this to work you MUST stay calm. Write down everything she threatens you with and decide what consequences you will impose for those things. Then practice saying "Whether you (blank) or not, the rule is (blank) and the consequence for breaking it is (blank). And if you DO (blank), in addition you will have the consequence of (blank)

"Whether you run away or not, the rule is home by 11 o'clock and the consequence for breaking it is 10 o'clock curfew for the next 3 days. If you do run away, we won't stop until we find you. Once you are home you will still have a curfew of 10 o'clock for 3 days and in addition, you will lose your cell phone for a week."

"Whether you feel like killing yourself or not, the rule is you will speak to everyone respectfully and the consequence for being rude is no phone tonight. If we feel you truly do want to harm yourself, we have no choice but to call 911 to have you admitted to the hospital for evaluation."

She might very well be depressed. In children and teens depression can mimic ADD, and can also cause extreme anger. Good luck, and let us know how it's going.

We met with the psychiatrist yesterday.  DD had the flu so we postponed until yesterday.  He diagnosed her with depression, OCD, and ADD.  He said that only the ADD has been treated but the depression is more important to treat so we are focusing on this.  DD is trying Zoloft again, she tried it before but it was such a low dose the psychiatrist said it wouldn't be effective.  I thought she might have some OCD tendencies as she washes her hands and uses hand sanitizer all the time and worries about fire and safety issues but I didn't think it was as extreme as it is.  As I said before, we've had good luck with DSS and his treatment for depression so I am hoping for positive things for my DD.  He attitude has been a little better, but she is still snappy, particulary with DH.  If anyone has some suggestions on dealing with depression and OCD I would love to hear them as these are fairly new for me.  I'll be doing some research on these topics.

Thanks.

Jackie