Working Moms

I am a working mom of 3 kids. I needed a place to vent and so thus I have come here. I hope that's ok.

My boys are 17 & 13 and my daughter is 14 months old. I feel like I barely skate thru the day, I am not living, but merely functioning. I get up and get myself ready for work and pray that my daughter doesn't wake up before I get a shower and brush my teeth. I get her to daycare and go to work. My boys get themselves ready for school. When I come home, I mostly care for her. I try to make sure the boys have something to eat for dinner, but sometimes they make it themselves....for this, I am bothered. But sometimes it's all I can do just to get the baby fed. She is very demanding.

I rarely have any help from my husband. My boys do the dishes 4x a week and take out the garbage and do their own laundry. But most of the time I have to threaten to ground them in order for them to do what they are supposed to. They are supposed to come in the door and do their homework and leave it on the table for me to see, do their chores, then paly. But everyday I come home and they are playing and nothing is done. They will go down to their last pair of underwear before doing laundry, after I make them. I don't understand why. I don't make empty threats. I graound them, then once the grounding is over it is the same thing all over again. I am so frustrated. I just want to throw all their fun away, but I know that is just not fair.

My husband doesn't help with anything. Whatever he uses, touches, or does, he leaves it right where he did it. And if I don't clean or pick it up, it doesn't get done. Then when I ask him about it, it's right back to "why can't the kids do it, i go to work and I am tired". If I say something about that it is an automatic pity party and argument.

It seems the theory in my house is "If mom isn't cleaning it or doing it, I guess it just doesn't matter" hence the reason my house is always a mess.

My husband will sit on the couch while I am bathing the baby and getting her ready for bed. Then when I am done he will sit there still and watch me clean up, get things ready for tomorrow, put clothes away, not asking once if I need help. Why couldn't he have done it?

No-one in my home cares that I am overworked, stressed and tired. Tim works, comes home, and sits. I go to work, come home, work and go to bed. The kids come home, I force them to do their chores, and they play and go to bed.

When I ask anyone to help, it's always the blame game "Why couldn't he do it" along with arguing or mumbling under the breath. No-one ever say"Hey mom, or hey honey, u look like u could use a little help" They just watch me.

I taught my boys how to do these things, politeness and respect. Now I get none. I am frustrated, tired, and always feel like crying. Tim is a grown man. I shouldn't have to ask for help all the time. I try my hardest, and it just isn't good enough. I just stopped asking for fear of arguing.

I don't know what to do, because no matter what tactic I use, it does not work. I have no tips for anyone, I just need some courtesy and a little help.

What can I do?

Thanks for reading if u got this far.....

Rene'

 

 

 

 

Rene, wife to Tim, mom to Alex, 3/4/1992, Tristan, 5/3/1996, and baby Elise 9/13/2008

The first thing I want to say is that I am as frustrated as you are about your life!  Holy crap your husband and kids are being lazy jerks!

I think that the first thing you have to do is STOP doing ANYTHING for your husband and boys that they can do themselves.  Stop reminding them to do their homework or their laundry.  If they don't do it, they lose marks, or they wear dirty underwear, not your problem, it's theirs.  Your boys are more than old enough to take care of themselves.  So that's the number one thing.  Your husband is also old enough to do his own laundry, and he can make supper just as much as you can.

Also, why do the boys only have to do the dishes 4x a week?  You have two boys, as far as I'm concerned they can take turns and do the dishes EVERYDAY.  Boys your sons' ages should be doing ALOT more chores than that.  My DD has been doing dishes for three years, my son for nine years.  They are 8 and 13.  My 13 year old son rakes leaves, washes windows, makes supper, vaccumns, sweeps and washes floors, and cleans bathrooms.  Your boys are getting away with a lot.  And as far as taking their fun away?  Sounds like they do nothing but play, and that is just ridiculous at their ages. 

But there is the conundrum of your husband, who is obviously teaching your sons to have very little respect for their mother.  I would think it's time for counseling, your husband has to be brought out of the stone ages and into reality.  What would happen if your husband came home from work and you handed him the baby and said "I'm going out for the evening, you have to care for the baby and the boys because I'm outta here", and then you just leave for the evening?  Sounds like you need some time to yourself.

Or, maybe you just need to tell your husband that if he doesn't want to help out, you will gladly quit your job to take care of the household.  Otherwise, he needs to do his share.

I feel for you.  Let me know how you make out.

 

I just had one more thought.  What about telling Tim that he needs to hire a cleaning person if he wants you to keep working?

 

Your husband sounds a little like mine...I had a whole lot of resentment building up and was starting to become bitter and miserable.  I had to ask him to do everything, once I asked he was willing but I was getting pretty sick of asking and feeling like I had 2 four year olds!!  We chose to get some counselling, simply because resentment is a really bad thing to feel toward your partner.  We call our sessions booster sessions,  we don't have any "critical" issues, our marriage is not terrible, we have some communication problems that our dr has helped us work through, things have gotten better and we both feel better. He gives us the tools to do what we need to do to make things work....and make our family work. By the sounds of it, it might be time to take the step and get some counselling, it sounds like you have some great ground rules for your boys but you aren't being supported by your husband and that makes things difficult and stressfull for you to handle.  I hope things get better...I understand how you feel. 

Ummm, in my opinion you need to tell your husband to get off his @ss and help.

My husband does just as much, maybe even more than I do. If we're both working full time, why should I be the only one doing everything? As long as you accept his behavior, he's going to keep doing it (because it's working for him).

Just a thought...stop doing laundry, stop doing dishes for a day or two. See what happens.