Empty Nest

I'm sitting here tearing up, just thinking about my probable empty nest coming up when my youngest daughter graduates from college in 7 months.  Why I say probable, is that she will most likely stay in her college city (1 1/2 hrs. away) to start her career.  My oldest daughter did just that, in the same city, five years ago.  Job prospects are better there and so is the social life.  I can understand why and am both happy for her and sorry for myself at the same time.  My oldest daughter got married last year and has seemed to become more distant from me as time goes on.  She does a lot with her husband's family, who live 10 min. from them.  I feel as though I'm losing her. She has very little time for me and this has been devastating.

My youngest daughter has always been closer to me and it will break my heart if she chooses not to come home after graduating, also. I do not want to influence her in any way, because I want the best for her.  I guess I am imagining the worst, and that is that it will end up being an occasional phone call and maybe visits on a few holidays.

I devoted myself to my children (giving up a rewarding career) and then only working part-time during school hours.  My children have been my reason for being and the thoughts of not being close to them either geographically or emotionally is almost too much to bear. 

Is there anyone out there who is in a similar position?

Chin up, things will be okay. I've been a SAH since my oldest was 6 months old and have worked a couple of part time jobs for a little while. I have decided that now is the time to rediscover who I am and indulge in what makes me happy or pick up those hobbies I left behind or find new interests that fell by the wayside.

My oldest graduated in May 2008 and she is currently living with us for a while. She is trying to save up money to get a jump on her student loans and to move out. Not that she doesn't love us, but has this burning desire to be on her own.

My youngest is still in school, but he is living in an apartment near campus. I figure he won't move home after he graduates in June 2009. Quite honestly, I think I would be more surprised if he did move back home.

Anyway, your daughter values your relationship, so she will definitely keep in contact. My son will call several times a week and come home just for the heck of it. His sister calls me during her lunch hour even though she lives at home. I figured if our kids did not want to move out or were incapable of separating or wanting their independence, then we did something horribly wrong while raising them. That's the goal, to make them want to fly on their own and come back when they want to, not because they feel they have to or they are too scared to cut those strings.

Both of my kids (ds25 and dd22) live within 10 minutes of us, and we rarely see them. When ds was at college 500 miles away we heard from him more than we do now. Dd usually calls or emails a couple of times a week, ds can go weeks without any contact from him and he's not very good about replying to emails. When we do hear from them it is often because they want something: want to borrow something or need a recipe or directions or some other type of info. For a while this really bothered me and hurt me, I felt kind of used. I understand that they are busy with work and gf/bf and managing their lives, but it doesn't take long to say "hi mom, I was thinking of you". And its kind of sad to think of our lives growing apart and eventually not having anything in common besides shared blood.

Then I think back to when I was that age. I didn't have much contact with my parents but I still loved them and thought of them. As I got older and more settled I started talking to them more, and when I had kids our relationship deepened again, especially with my mom. So for now I am biding my time, my kids will "be back" when its time.

In the meantime I am using the time that used to be devoted to kids for devoting to myself. With no more college tuition payments there is more money for dh and I to do some things that we couldn't afford before. We are taking advantage of this time while we are young and healthy enough to be active and have fun and enjoy each other. (we are now more fit than either of the kids LOL). Being busy with activities and interests keeps me from thinking much about the kids or missing them. Maybe an approach like that can work for you.

I feel your sadness. My dd was (and is) the light of my life and after being a SAHM for her entire life, I did a lot of crying when she married and left home (1 1/2 hours away, too). I do hear from her pretty often, but not on anything like a regular basis.  Sometimes I see her 3-4 times a month, sometimes a few months go by that I don't see her.  And we don't have a regular phone call schedule - we call when we have something that needs to be said off line or sometimes just to talk, if we haven't seen each other in awhile.  Mostly I keep up with her via emails and Facebook, lol.  But, even after 8 years, I still occasionally feel hurt when I hear about dd doing things with her in laws. It's natural, I think.  We've had them all to ourselves for years and years, and suddenly, we're expected to smile and share them with a husband and his (or her) parents and relatives! It's not an easy thing to do! Even when you like the in laws, as I do - pretty much, lol.

What if you told your married dd how you felt? Give her a call sometime and just say you were thinking of her and that it seems like a long time since you've seen each other. Ask her over for a holiday or event that's coming up.  You can't always wait for them to call you. Sometimes you have to assert your motherly rights and call them! It's what Moms do, lol.  And, even with the price of gas lately, 1 1/2 hours isn't that far for you or them to drive now and then.

Or if it really isn't possible to visit now and then, set up a day to call or when they call you.  My mom did that with me and my siblings. I was 3 hours from her, my brother was about the same distance and my sister was about a 14 hour drive from her. So every weekend we alternated calling Mom or being called by her,  just to touch base and talk about the stuff that happened the week before and anything that came to mind. We didn't always talk a long time, but it was (usually) nice.  It keeps you in your kids' thoughts anyway, lol.

And if it has been a long time since you've had the kids over on a holiday, tell them you really want to spend the holiday with them. You have the right to ask it. Sometimes you may have to do a little compromising, allowing friends or in laws to join your celebration, or even going to them, or celebrating on a day that may not be your "traditional" day, but I think just letting them know you want to see them and will work with them to make that happen will go a long way in bringing them back to you.
It's like the saying goes: "The sqeaky wheel gets the grease", so go ahead and "sqeak"! 
(I've adjusted my Christmases around my dd's plans and in-law obligations for 8 years and, with everyone cooperating, some biting of tongues and maybe a little covering up bruised feelings, and dd and her dh pretty much telling everyone when and where we will be celebrating, it works well - except for that first year when everyone expected to spend the whole holiday with the two of them!)

Okay, enough of my rambling. Let your kids know you want to see them. Have a plan in mind for them to consider.  Do a little Mom-nudging and I think you'll find your kids will be glad you are so willing to do what it takes to keep them in your life.

I am feeling a lot of the same feelings expressed here and feel some comfort in that.

My Daughter got married in Feb of this year and for the first few months I couldn't stop crying.

My youngest Daughter is now in a relationship and I feel her separating from me as well.

The pain is very hard to deal with right now.

I have been a Mom for 38 yrs and it's all I know and all that I am.

I work outside the home but it never defined me, it was just a job.

I feel very lost.