Pet Bereavement

Well I thought I was doing a little bit better,I try and keep myself busy but one can only clean the house so much. I knew Barkley kept me busy because he couldn't really see so everytime he needed anything I was his eyes and ears,now that he is gone I am looking for things to do to keep my mind off of him being gone. His ashes are still sitting here on his bed,I cant bring myself to put him in his doghouse urn,I need to still see him. everything is as it was that day we took out last ride together. I don't know if I will ever be able to put his bed away,right now I would say its going to stay where its at for a long time. With the thought of the holidays coming I wish I could sleep from DEC 23 until at least some time in Jan .

The waves of grief still come ,the crying so bad I cant breath, the feeling that someone has kicked me in the stomach when It hits me he is gone. Those waves are terrible .

So last night I am looking for something to watch on TV and I run across Marley and Me on HBO,now I know how it ends because I looked on the net ,so I knew the end of the movie was sad so up until yesterday I had just kept looking and not even tune into see any of the movie,up until last night. I tuned in to see the last 30minutes of the show. I didn't see the actors ,I saw me one month ago,some of what the "dad" said to his beloved dog it what I had said word for word. I LOST IT, I sat there and made myself NOT turn the channel ,I cried like I did when I realized I had to say goodbye to Barkley. I don't know maybe I just had to get the built up tears out and this was the trigger. Now that I look back I think I wanted to see if I was getting better,now I know I am no better then I was one month ago.

I have such a range of emotions from total sadness to guilt. I know one of the reasons Barkley was so calm that day in the vets office was because he knew his mom was there with him so he knew I would never let anyone hurt him or anything bad happen to him,he saw me and relaxed and here i was giving the vet the ok to end his life. That haunts me.

So many things I wish I had done different that day, I wish instead of standing behind him holding him I wish I was in front of him looking into his eyes,But there was not enough room between the vet and him,I know he knew I was behind him petting him I guess I just wish I had stayed longer after he was gone but it was all I could do to make myself remain standing and walk out of that room,walking out of that room and looking back to see him laying on that table knowing my life would never be the same was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

SO all in all,I am not doing any better. at this point I don't know if I will ever be able to say "I'm doing better".

Oh Stillbelieves - how my heart aches with yours and for yours! I, by no means want to hijack your post, but what you said is something I could have written and describes my thoughts exactly. You and I are so similar in our grief and so close together on our "journey of healing". I don't see how anyone can call it that right now...a journey of healing,  because I do not feel that I've healed a bit. I feel every bit as sad as I did the day Stuart had to leave me, if not more so.

Oh, how I've beaten myself up about that last day together so many times!!!!! Just like you, I wish with all my heart that I was standing in front of Stuart when he was given the shot instead of holding him from the side. I know he felt me holding him in the same position I always held him, and I was talking to him and kissing him. I know I was the last person he felt while he was here, but I so badly wish I could've been the last one he saw...this thought brings me to tears several times a day.

I bought Marley and Me when it 1st came out on DVD. I have read the book so I know the ending but when Stuart strated having more and more trips to the vet I couldn't bring myself to watch it. I still cant. It might be good to cry out everything left in me by watching that, but it seems so impossible to do at this point. My friend, our hearts are so heavy and our grief so fresh that making it through the days sounds impossible right now. Please know that my heart, thoughts, and love are with you at this time...

Hi tiffy,

We are so much alike, like you I don't know if healing is the correct word either, for me I don't think I will ever HEAL, to me healing means something that gets better, being without Barkley in my life will never be better.

I think back to that day and I have lots of "I should haves" but its like my brain shut down,I couldn't move,I think my heart went into shock when it became clear that I was saying goodbye for the last time ,but like you I do wish I was standing in front of Barkley but then again I have heard from vet techs that say its hard for them to watch the personality go out of a pets eyes. So maybe us standing behind our babies was something God did because he knew it would be to devastating for us to see their spirits leave and their eyes become blank. We were so used to seeing their eyes full of love and life maybe God did spare us more then he knew we could handle. I know our boys felt our touches and that made them feel at ease. When my vet was out of the room getting the meds I was facing Barkley and I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him and told him I was going to miss him and I thanked him for being my friend so I know he knew I never left the room and I know he knew I was petting him when the vet started to give him the meds,I did lean over the table and look at his eyes when she started to give the med to relax him but she only gave him a small amount of the relaxing drug and that stopped his heart she then gave the "pink" med to be sure.

I'm not sure what to tell you about watching Marley&Me, I would hate to see you become "better" then watch the movie and be back to square one but I also would hate for you to watch it now and see yourself like I did in the movie. Maybe just have it but NEVER watch it. I cried so hard during the one scene I could not breathe and the pain in my heart I think got deeper.

I know you and I will make it thru this but as far as healing, I don't think we are ever going to heal I think we will just learn to live with the pain in our hearts for the rest of our lives.

How does one heal when they have lost that piece of their hearts that gave them joy and love? I dont think anyone truly heals, I think we just go on knowing and praying that one day we will look over into that green field filled with flowers and we will see our boys running and playing and they will spot us and run to us and give us kisses like we have never been kissed,, it will be at THAT moment that we will be able to feel our hearts and souls HEAL.

{{{^Barkley^ and ^Stuart Little's^ Moms}}}  How my heart breaks for both of you.  {{{gentle hugs}}}  You see, if there was a magic time machine, (where we could go back to June of 1998) I could have written your same exact (heartbreaking) words. 

Like you, I was hovering above my ^Whisper^, (holding him in my arms) and not looking into his beautiful eyes.  (my ^Wonder^ was a different story, since he earned his ^wings^ on the operating table, while I was begging/pleading with him to keep fighting)  :(  I've come to believe that's a blessing in disguise... for if I had seen his spirit leave his eyes... I would have died, (with him) right then and there.  :(  And yes, I wanted to......

"Healing" ... ha, as if there ever is such a thing.  (there just isn't a good enough word in the English language to describe what we endure.)  I honestly don't know if we ever really "heal".  It's almost as if we have to learn how to live again, without the best part of ourselves and our hearts.  It's horrible.  (there's an understatement if I ever heard one)  "Healing" ... what ever that is .... is almost a 'nice' word for the process of learning how to tolerate and accept the emptiness in our hearts.

Yes.... I have (basically) "healed" from the passing of my ^Whisper^.  (it's been over 10 years)  I'm use to the emptiness.... I'm used the the pain.... I'm used to my different life, without him by my side.  :(  For my ^Wonder^, well... that's a different story.....

It's not like we wake up one day, and bingo - we're cured.  Nope... it's a long (loooooooonnnnnggggg) process.  In the future, you will eventually think you'll be okay... then WHAM, something will happen to send your heart right back down to that deep, dark, horrible stage one.  (the holidays are especially heartbreaking.  I haven't really  'celebrated' Christmas since '98) It's such a roller coaster.  Baby steps... all we can count on are baby steps. 

If I knew the magic words to help your hearts {{{^Stuart Little^ and ^Barkley's^ Moms}}}  I would share them.  :(  But we all just have to take this horrible "process" one (baby) step at a time.  Two steps forward, three steps back......   {{{heart hugs}}}

You are not alone.  {{{^Barkley^ and ^Stuart's^ Moms}}}  We'll be here with you every baby step of the way.  You'll get there.... I promise.  It's your angels who'll will make sure of it.......

With my heart,
  , ^Whisper^ & ^Wonder's^ Mom

Whisper in the Heart

Whispersmom

Thank You for your kind words as I read what you wrote the tears started again,I wish I would wake up and look over and see my lil boy lying in the bed next to me ,he would wake up and look at me and yawn,I wish this would all turn out to be a really bad nightmare that I finally woke up from and my heart would not feel such a sense of sadness when I realize he is gone.

Its strange the things one remembers about "that day" Out of everything I remember the one thing that stands out is ,,at the moment he passed I actually looked up above his head to see if I would see his spirit going to heaven.

Thank You again whispersmom without you and all of the other wonderful people here I'm not sure where I would be right now. Its so very comforting just knowing we are not alone.