I sit here thinking how much Barkley would love a day like today,full of sun but yet cool. He used to love to go outside and sit in the sun. I miss seeing him sitting out there looking around and just enjoying the weather. I miss so much about him and what he used to do. I sit here looking for something any thing to take my mind of off the void left in my heart by Barkley not being by my side.
I still wonder and pray he is not spending his days and nights in a panic because he can't find me. When he was here he had to know where I was every minute. I wonder what he thought when he woke up and I was no longer standing by his side.
Everyday I wake up and the reality sets in that he is no longer here and I am now all alone, makes me want to not get out of bed at all.
With each passing day I miss him more.
I miss you my lil chick-a-bee. please come back for a visit so your moms heart can stop hurting just a little.
Barkleysmom
A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?
It sounds like we had about the same kind of weekend :( I did everything I could to fill the void in my heart. I didn't handle this weekend well at all and even ended up filling worse about my self and situation than I did before it started. I was so hoping that you were not having a bad weekend as well.
Like you, the mornings are the worst for me! I wake up and that dreadful reality that his isn't going to be there when I roll over is heart shattering and a horrible way to start the day! I swear if it weren't for Charger and the cats I would never leave the bed most days.
I still pray for a visit from our boys. Maybe we will get some results after tonight and the Candle Ceremony. Since we will both be praying at the exact same time - surely we will see some results! I sure hope so anyways and I know you do too.
Let me know how you are doing when you can.
Always,
-Tiffany Love
Current Proud Mom of : puppy Charger and kittens/cats Abra, Kadabra, Grizabella, and Gypsy
*FOREVER & ALWAYS a Proud Mom of precious ^Stuart Little^ : 12/26/1999 - 09/05/2009*
"If Love Could've Saved You, You Would've Lived Forever"
Yep we had the same kind of weekend,a bad one. When I was waking up on Sat the way the covers were against my back felt just like it did when Barkley was in bed with me, he would always cuddle against my back,I think for 2 reasons, 1 so he could stay warm and 2 so he would know I was right there with him,so when I was waking up and felt this I thought for a second,"Thank God this WAS just a really bad dream and Barkley IS here with me,then when I woke up more I realized it was just the blankets and the way they were against my back. The only break I get from my pain is when I am sleeping then as soon as I wake up the reality hits and I start grieving all over again.
I watched some more of Marley and Me,I swear I could of written that movie. There is apart in the movie where the father takes Marley for a walk when he is older,so they walk up to this field and he sits down next to Marley and says to him, "You have to let me know when its time,you have to let me know cause I couldn't make that kind of decision on my own". That is just what I said to Barkley, I was holding him in my arms and looking out the window and I said to barkley "You have to let me know when its time, you have to give me a sign when your tired of living".
Well after seeing that part in the movie I was once again crying like a baby. I just miss him SO much. Every day it is getting worse NOT better. Every day is one more day without him.
I do hope our boys come back soon to see us and I do hope with us praying tonight God will see how much we need our boys. I know God already sees our pain and our tears and our need to have a visit from our Boys, he also sees that we are just hanging on by a thread .
Wish I could say I had a good weekend,but I don't have any good days anymore, just lonely days with heartache.
Barkleysmom
A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?
I completely understand your pain. It is a miserable existence we lead now without our companions and best friends by our side. I tried to visit friends and took Charger to play with their dogs etc on Saturday afternoon. I truly enjoyed watching him play and have fun and then immediately felt sad because my Stuart was no longer able to. When we left I felt so guilty for ever trying to go and get a few hours of relief and my grief hit me all over again and it was an awful awful night. Not to mention the 2 flat tires (one on Friday, one on Saturday) that added to my frustration!!!! I'm so angry because I know God can see us holding on by a thread - why won't he help us?! It is wrong to question him and I feel horrible about it but I just cany understand anything.
I looked at my copy of Marley and Me several times lately debating on whether I should watch it or not. I couldn't bring myself to do it. With school and work I feel that the times I really need to "get it out" and cry - I am unable to because I have to keep my composure in front of my students and peers. Then, when I am at home and able to let it all out I get afraid to feel what I am truly feelin and just try to stay busy. I think I know Marley and Me would make me face those demons, and I just can't yet.
In some of the books I have been reading - there are accounts of people feeling their babies next to them after they have gone over to the bridge...maybe your covers were put there by your baby so you could "feel" him again. It wouldn't surprise me one bit.
I know tonight is going to be so hard for both of us. Every Monday Night is when I read the prayers and that lovely quote at the end which fits you and me both: "I have sent you on a journey to a land free from pain, not because I did not love you, but because I loved you too much to force you to stay."
All my love,
-Tiffany Love
Current Proud Mom of : puppy Charger and kittens/cats Abra, Kadabra, Grizabella, and Gypsy
*FOREVER & ALWAYS a Proud Mom of precious ^Stuart Little^ : 12/26/1999 - 09/05/2009*
"If Love Could've Saved You, You Would've Lived Forever"
I wish I knew why God has not sent our boys back so our hearts can hurt just a little less. Maybe he thinks right now our pain is too raw and we could not handle seeing our boys then seeing them leave us again. I was talking to God yesterday telling him I need to see Barkley,I need to know he is ok,if only for a second, please let me see him.
Thank you for your words about my boy putting those covers against my back so I could feel him again, maybe he did do that so I could feel him again but when I woke up more and realized it was just my covers it made me feel so very sad.
I love this quote, have sent you on a journey to a land free from pain, not because I did not love you, but because I loved you too much to force you to stay."
We don't remember days,we remember moments and the one moment I will remember for the rest of my life was on "that day" it was when the vet had left the room to go get the meds and it was just myself and Barkley in the room and I bent down next to him and kissed his head and he looked at me,I told him I loved him and was going to miss him and thanked him for being my friend...that moment it was like there was no one else in the world but Barkley and me ,and how special it was for both of us to have that time alone and say goodbye for the last time but how do you really say goodbye to the love of your life and to the best friend you have ever known..that moment will live in my heart forever.
Barkleysmom
A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?
