Pet Bereavement

That it has been 2 months since my precious baby Stuart Little, my Itty Bitty, went to the Rainbow Bridge. In some ways it feels like forever, and other times it seems as fresh as yesterday. I have never been away from him for this long, or anywhere near this long. To be honest, I am surprised that I am still sane enough to write this. I feel so empty and lost without my boy around. There hasn't been one day without tears, anger, and unbelievable grief. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much. But I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. My "Stu Man Chu" brought me more joy than anything or anyone ever has. He taught me to love unconditionally and be the person he always thought I was. I only hope he knew how much I loved him, how happy he made me, and how honored I am to be his Momma. I told him all the time, and I still tell him although I cannot look into his precious eyes as I do.

Stuart Little - you are, and always will be the love and light of my life. Life will NEVER be the same without you. Thank you for all the years we spent together. I cannot wait for the day when I can hold you and kiss you again. You were taken from me too soon, and I hope with all my heart and soul that you aren't angry at me for having to make that decision. The pain is still so deep without you here, and I pray that you are in no pain at all. You blessed me with love, life, loyalty, and laughter and I will eternally be grateful for that. You are in my heart, thoughts, and prayers every second of each day. Momma loves you with every ounce of love I have in me. Hold on to that piece of my heart dear baby boy, and we will be together again. I love you and I miss you more than I can even describe. Be at peace sweet angel, and know Momma is always here whenever and if ever you decide to contact me. You will always be my son. With all my heart, your honored Momma

Hi tiffany,

My heart and thoughts are with you today.Once again if I changed Stuarts name to Barkley I could of written this on Sept 15th the 2months of me without my lil boy.

I really don't know what else to say that you have not said so beautifully in this letter to your baby. I too wonder if the reason why Barkley has not contacted me is he is mad at me for giving the ok to the vet to take his life,I know that sounds terrible but basically on that day that is what I did. Barkley went there with me knowing his mom would never let anything happen to him and the guilt that I gave the nod to end his life is a guilt I live with every single day since that day. The only way I make it thru the day is I have to remind myself that he was not himself for the days leading up to "that day" and for him to lay down on the vets table and not wanting to get up had to be because he was so sick and it was his time. I have to believe that or the guilt would consume me ,as it is now I am just hanging on on a minute by minute basis.

My thoughts and prays are with you today ,Barkley and my day is coming in 10days.

                             Barkleysmom

My Sweet,Sweet boy,if Love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

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A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?     

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Barkley giving his mom kisses,this was the beginning of a 16year love affair.Thank you my sweet,sweet boy for allowing your mom to be by your side on your journey,it went way too fast and ended way too soon.

Barkley's mom, my dear friend - I know you and your boy's 2 month is quickly approaching and I will be here for you to help get you through that day. My home computer is in the shop and I hope to have it back by then.

The only thing that helps me not feel too horrible about "that day" is that in a matter of hours Stuart would've begun to drown in his own fluids, and I couldn't let that precious baby suffere because of my selfishness to hold on to him a little while longer. He wasn't in any pain yet and I am thankful that he didn't have to go through that. I would've given anything in this world if he never had to feel an ounce of pain. And like your precious boy, Stuart was not himself the last few days. Sleeping, vomiting etc...

Oh Barkley's mom - I miss my beautiful baby boy so much I can't stand it!!!!!!! I just want to see him and hold him and have him back. I would give ANYTHING  for one more second of heaven on earth with him. I truly don't know how I'll make it through today, or the days that follow. I feel so all alone and heartbroken...

We both know we did the right thing for our boys that day, we both know we had no other option but to set them free and let them pass quietly and in no pain. We were made to make the ultimate sacrifice to let our boys go knowing our lives will never be the same and our hearts will forever be in pain. Even though we know all of this and we know they are both in a better place where they are now healed and happy it does not lessen our loss and grief. We did the most selfless act a person can do when faced with no options,we gave our hearts to our pups and set them free. Now we are left with the what ifs,the if only.

I feel anger but I'm not sure who I should be angry with surely NOT barkley,surely not God, I don't know maybe life and how life can allow such a loving creature  come in to our lives and then before we blink they are taken from us.

I went out to see my mom a little while ago and on the way out when the elevator door opened a older man stood there cuddling his dog,a dachshund, I saw how this man was cuddling his dog and loving him and was probably taking this pup up to see his wife.The dog and I made eye contact and I could see how happy he was and how much he loved this person holding him ,oh those awful triggers,I managed to make it out of the nursing home ,I held back the tears until I got into my car,then the water works started. My arms actually hurt because I miss holding my Barkley, I miss that love that only you can feel when your holding someone who adores you. I miss holding Barkley and walking around the house so he could look out the windows. 

I start to think I am doing better until one of these triggers ,then I know I am no better then I was almost 2 months ago. The hurt just gets deeper,the ache in my heart just aches more and the pain in my soul knowing my lil boy is gone is not getting any better.

SO I cried most of the way home and now here I am back into my house with the empty bed,where I put my lil boy in his little box back on it and covered his ashes back up.Yes he went with me to see my mom,when he was really here he went everywhere with me,now just because he is here but differently he still goes with me,he always will.

                             Barkleysmom

My Sweet,Sweet boy,if Love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

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A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?     

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Barkley giving his mom kisses,this was the beginning of a 16year love affair.Thank you my sweet,sweet boy for allowing your mom to be by your side on your journey,it went way too fast and ended way too soon.

Oh dear friend I am so sorry you had one of those triggers! I know how they can set you back. Charger is a very different kind of dog than my little Stuart was. I cannot hold him in my arms unless he is laying down. He is 11 weeks old and well over 30 lbs! But, anytime I see someone holding their dog in their arms like I used to hold Stuart, I lose it.

This has been a nightmare of a day. I'm pretty sure it's just me, but people seem to be more harsh than usual. I long to be at home talking to Stuart, but I am stuck at work holding up the "I'm Okay" mask. I hate having to play this game.

Since I moved from Oklahoma City to Norman (not a far move, but still totally different cities) I have not found a church I like yet. My aunt wants to take me to a church tonight for a play - she thinks it will do me some good. As badly as I want to stay at home and hide, I need to go and hear the word of God. I only hope I can hold it together long enough to make it through the play. I haven't seen this aunt since my Stuart passed so I know her condolences will bring me over the edge. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY OUR BABIES HAVE TO LEAVE US!!!!! I cannot, for the life of me, stop crying today. I have had to fib and tell my students that my allergies had my eyes watering. I hate this depression, and this existence without my precious baby boy. I was talking to his picture today and asked him if he would communicate with me somehow on this day...I guess I'll have to wait and see, but I'm afraid I'll be heartbroken if I don't notice anything.

I am, for once, at a loss for words. I'm broken, lost, and full of sorrow and I don't know of anything else to say except I miss and love my boy, and today is so hard.