Life in Our 30s

Hello Everyone, I really need your help and your input. Or just a Yes or no will do.

I live with this guy, we are friends with benfits. But where we are living is in his mothers house. We live in the basement. Here whats bothering me. We both get food stamps. We are both working, I'm not working full timenor is he considered full time. So we live in her house together. We use ll your food stamps to go toward us all eating including her too. She doesn't buy anything. As far as food goes. We do all that. My friend her son, does give her money out of each of his paychecks. Because we do use the cable down here also which that doesn't cost her anymore then justher watching it upstairs. But we have the internet down here. She will get on it to check things once and while. So he gives her money out of each paycheck for internet, and also since we shower and wash clothes here. We do buy our own laundry products we don't use hers.  We basically buy what we need for us. I do get her pop with my food stamps also. Iget like 200 each month and he gets like 40 each month. So all that is spent here.

Myquestion is being...Should I be giving her any money?? I feel like I shouldn't have too. We do provide food for her. We provide her pop for her. We have mowed the lawn for her. We give her money for internet and water we use. Which everyone knows water is cheap. So basically its all about money. She is always saying she is broke. well where is her money going?? Well she has herself all wrapped up in taking another mrtage out on the house so there is a payment also she was going gambling there for awhile alot!!

She also has been or fall into the cash advantage places. Where you write a check to get money. So she has done alot of this on her. Or brought alot of this on herself. I'm so freaking tired of listening to her say she is broke, I don't have any money. Well, I don't feel sorry for her.

Also, The heat doesn't work in the house. And she is making no attempts to getting it fixed, It's like she expects us or her grandkids to do it all for her. Like everyone owes her. I'm not gonna do it. We went al time last year without heat. Looks like it will happen again this year. Because no one is doing anything about.

She has made comments on how we don't do anything around here. We both have caught her sayingthings. We call her on it and shes like I was just joking. I don't find it very funny. It really pisses me off. I know what your all saying, what aboutgetting your own place. We are right now looking and trying to get help to get into a place. But it takes time, and places are sooo high right now.

I'm just wondering if I should be giving her any money?? Please let know what you think yes or no!!

Thank you

Hi Gwennie,

Welcome to the board!! 

Living with a family member can be really really hard.  I think you are smart to work on getting a place of your own!!  If you don't have a set rental agreement and you are paying for utilities and all of the food, I don't see where you are not doing your part.  If the expenses for her home are much more than you are putting in, then you should rethink how much you do.

Hope this helps a little - Good luck!!!

                      

   

                   

well i lived with my first hubby and his family when we first got together... and we werent legally married at the time...  and they never asked us for one cent for anything... heat.. electricity.. food... nothing.... did they want from us... and i dont live in that kind of world..(bearing in mind I WAS LIKE 17 at the time) and other than their son being crazy about me they had no responsiblity for me.

   i tried each and every  pay check to give them some cash... and the only time they actually did take money from me was when they had paid for a prescription for me when i didnt have the money, BUT I never felt right or good about that. It about drove me insane. 

I think you think you should be giving her some money... deep down somewhere in you that is what it says to you... yes you buy food with foodstamps.. kick a llittle extra for water(which isnt cheap here in colorado btw) and the cable...

  BUT IT TAKES ALOT TO RUN A SUCCESSFUL HOUSEHOLD.. and when i say successful I DONT MEAN huge house lots of toys.. I MEAN everyone being happy .. having heat.... and all that it entails to run a household...  oh and before you get mad me for doing what you wanted i will tell that i moved out of the future in laws home 3 months after WE moved in ... all the money they wouldnt take from us WENT ON A DEPOSIT FOR  a apt of our own.

    so BEFORE you stay as mad as you sound at her... think of the one thing here... IF IT WERENT FOR HER.. you could be sleeping under a overpass somewhere,

  SO YES GIVE HER money... BUT with the rules that the MONEY GOES TOWARDS FIXING/buying a new furnace or something dealing WITH THE HOUSE,,, HECK.. ET UP A SEPERATE BANKING ACCT... and any money you were going to give her put in the acct. THAT way when you run short household wise THERE IS A resrve somewhere.

Wow. I don't think I can give you a yes or no answer -- if I were you, I would find a different living situation. Rent a small place on your own, find some room mates, rent a room in someone's house, do what you have to do ... but I would never live with a FWB and I would certianly never live with a FWBs mother!! I think the whole point of FWB is to avoid any messiness and this situation sees so so so messy -- I just don't see how it's worth it.

I will say though that I feel that when someone who owns a home allows people to live there, they should set the ground rules when the people move in. They should let you know if they expect you to pay rent, utilities, etc and how much they expect you to contribute to household chores, etc. If I were moving into someone else's home, I would make sure those were all established before moving in. It's obviously too late for that and it sounds like she's not going to kick you out if you don't pay some kind of rent. But I would talk to her and your FWB about it and see if you can make some kind of formal arrangement so that she stops being passive aggressive about it (if that's what the complaining is) or you can at least ignore the passive aggressive complaints with a clear conscience.

I think part of why it's so muddy is I kind of expect that if someone allows a family member to live with them due to financial hardship, I wouldn't expect any kind of rent payment. My sister lived with my parents for a while after she graduated from college before she got herself on her feet and they didn't ask her to pay rent or anything. I'm sure that if I lost my job or something like that, my parents would welcome me into their home with open arms. And if I were married and both of us somehow needed a place to stay, I'm sure they would accept both myself and my husband. I think the same rules would apply with close friends if you let them into your home because the had some kind of financial reason for not renting/buying their own place. But I feel like this should always be a temporary arrangement until the person/people get on their feet and can support themselves.

On the other hand, if someone rents a room out in their house to a stranger or acquaintance, obviously they should pay rent.

I think the messiness in your situation comes in because you don't really have any formal relationship with either your friend or his mother. You're just casual friends with this guy and you sleep with him. I don't think the fact that you're friends with her son or the fact that you sleep with him makes you close enough with him for his mother to allow you to live in her house rent-free. But it seems that she did let you move in with no arrangement for paying her rent ... and even if she was charging rent, I still feel like this is an extremely messy living situation. What if you or your friend meet someone and decide you want to be in an exclusive relationship? If you stop sleeping with each other are you still going to continue being friends? As good of friends? Close enough to continue living in this place together? How might any future SOs feel about this?

I don't know ... I think you at least need to talk to everyone you're living with and make some kind of formal agreement. But I would say just get out of there ASAP. I'd move out today if you have a friend that will let you crash on their couch until you have a more preferment solution.