Life in Our 30s

One of my biggest weaknesses is impatience. I know this.

I'm 31. I'm single.  I just found out my ex-fiance's girlfriend is pregnant...she's due on my birthday. Besides being my ex-fiance he was my very best friend.  He was the one person who knew me better than anybody and he was a person that I just loved on such a different level than a romantic relationship. Because of this new development I told him that I needed some time away from him to lick my wounds and heal from this pain. My mother is mad at me because after I told her about this pregnancy I told her that in all likelihood I will speak to him again...I have no definite plans as to when but I also won't be putting my life on hold. I know she's disappointed in me. I live far away from my friends and family and the few people I am friends with here are not much of a support system....to be honest even my friends who are far away are not much of a support system in the sense that they like to talk about themselves whereas I mostly just listen.

I feel like I have no time left to do the things that I really want.  I know everyone's going to say "you're only 31!" but really when you think about it 31 doesn't present much time for me to get over the hurt from my ex, find someone new, fall in love, get married, buy a house, spend some time together, have a baby. Really the only thing that needs to be done on the time limit is that last one. The biological clock is pounding. I don't want to have one all on my own. I just feel like I have no time. I don't meet many eligible men, I meet plenty of ineligible men. The men I do meet seem to only want to hop in the sack and are not at all interested in dating me. Its bizarre because when I was in high school all my friend's boyfriends used to say that I was not the kind of girl guys date I'm the kind of girl guy's marry. And now all of a sudden I'm not the girl anyone wants to marry but I'm exactly the girl that every guy wants to screw (around with and over). Ironically I don't sleep around never have so I wonder what kind of vibe I'm putting out there to attract only those kinds of men.

All in all it just feels like nothing has gone any way but wrong for the past 2 years and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.  I generally have a positive attitude and I feel like people are generally drawn to me (as proven by the fact that there can 100 available seats on the train every morning on the way to work and I will have someone sit next to me EVERY time!).  However, my self-esteem and confidence have dwindled and I'm finding it harder and harder to pick myself up and dust myself off from each blow. I am running out of options and although I know that I have to make a life for myself and can't sit around and wait for things to happen I seem to be completely out of ideas and have no where left to turn. Everything that's left for me to do requires another person (besides maybe buy a house).

Hi Sun

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

I think you are smart to take some time to heal.  You may speak to your ex again or maybe you will change your mind about it.  It doesn't matter one way or the other - and the best part about this - YOU get to choose.

To be honest - I think your biological clock is pounding because your ex is having a baby.  Just give yourself that time you need to heal and I think this will go back into place!!!!  Time truely does heal all wounds!!!

I'm single and I own my own place.  It's a condo, but I love it and it's all mine.  I love knowing that I can afford a place on my own!!  And there are some good deals to be found out there.  First step would be to talk to a mortgage company first and get pre approved (not just pre qualified).  Can you tell I work in mortgage lending?  :0)

So go after what you want.  One step at a time and loving each step.  If not - take that step over.  Life will take some twists and turns.  Mine sure has!!! 

As for where to start, I started with putting a smile on my face.  Literally.  I was sad after my divorce and thought who will ever want me again.  I'm 36!!!!  So I walked around with a frown.  I decided to start smiling at strangers.  Just any one.  It was so nice to get a smile in return, or a nod, or a tip of a hat.  There were a few oogels, but that wasn't too bad - it was nice to know I was attractive.  One of the other ladies started with meetup.com (I think!!!- Veronica pipe in here!!!!!)  I'm sure she will fill you in.  And she started with womens's groups so she didn't have to think about guys for a little bit.  Sometimes a break is just what the doctor ordered!!!

Hang in there.  This will pass and you will find what you want!!!!!

                      

   

                   

Dear Sun14,

I can totally relate to what you're saying. I was in your shoes 4 and a half years ago, before I met my boyfriend. I was 28. I know you may think that I was younger than you and it's ok, but it's not. I believe every woman's biological clock is a little different, some tick faster than others. At 28, I felt the same way you're feeling right now. I had just broken up with my ex at the time. We were together for 4 years before he broke it off with me, and then I found out that he was dating someone new and told me that he was planning to marry her. I was devastated because he was the first and only guy I ever dated for that long and the first guy I ever loved. I took it real hard, but I had to move on. There was a period of 2 years where I dated many men, all of which turned out to either just want to screw me or just did not click. I've had many disasterous encounters where one guy I dated and we quickly got intimate and he never called me back. And another guy I dated on and off for about 6 months, who was also cheating on me behind my back. I found it out when we were at a movie theater together and his phone rang and he picked up and I could hear a girl's voice. I later confronted him about it and he admitted to cheating on me. I even got to a point where I became almost desperate, angry at the way my life has turned out. Like you, I was the girl in high school that everyone thought would be the girl every man would love to marry. I held on to that thought thinking at 28 I would be already be settled down with the man I love, and have a family and possibly children. I never thought that my life would turned out to be the opposite. Needless to say, it was a confusing time for me. The turning point was when I quit trying too hard. I quit thinking too hard about why my life is the way it is. About why I can't seem to meet the right guy. About my biological clock that is ticking. And just about my life in general. In summary, I made a complete turn around of my attitude. In short, I just tried to go about it with a different attitude. I learn to take it easy on myself, relax and have a good time wherever I am or with who ever I'm with. When I went on another date, I stopped wondering whether or not he's the one. I just let go of all the things that were pressuring me and just have a different more positive outlook on life...........and that's when I ran into the love of my life...my boyfriend. When I first met him, it was different. I didn't expect anything not even our first date to last, but one date became 2...then it became a week, 2 weeks, 1 month, and now 5 years that we have been together and looking back on our relationship all I did was let go of everything, of every expectations that I had out of myself...and surprisingly everything is going really good. I can't tell you if it's going to be the same for you, but I can tell you that if you just let go of all these expectations you have of yourself and just try to have a different more positive outlook on life, you'll be much happier. You're 31....not 41 or 51.. I don't agree that you are too old. You still have a long way ahead of you, just try to have fun with the time you have, and enjoy life. Everyone's life is different...some people at your age are already married and juggling 2 or 3 jobs with 4 or 5 kids to feed...maybe they wish they could have your life and not have all the responsibility of a family to hold them down. Just my opinion, but your time will come. I believe that even though times may be tough right now, but you will find that special someone some day soon. Don't give up. We've all been there. You are not alone. HUGS and good luck to you. I will be praying for you!

much to your mom's dismay i would say that you should talk to the ex.again WHEN YOU are ready and not a moment before.  because you can not and will not be FREE to move on in the direction you look to go to. 

 I am sorry that you hurt and that @ 31 you feel the clock ticking away,  because you are young.. and you seem to be pretty smart from the way you wrote your story.   I have been down so many roads i never saw coming my way in my life.

   I went from being your typical chick at 28 who worked 60+ hours a week... married happily for many years...  tried to get p/g.. thought i was more than once in 20 yrs.. to find out i have cysts on the ovaries...   and by the time the egg does make to where it is supposed to go is blocked by a cyst... and the treatment is birthcontrol pills.. which i spend off and on the pill for almost all of my reproductive life... and well if you want to be p/g then pills arent going to help you there.

   then one day in the summer at work.... my  legs felt funny.. not the norm.. but it was a weekend and i was surely just tired ... WRONG... the next day when i woke up.. got up and stood at the side of my bed i fall face first into the closet thankfully the door was open at the time.. but still missed a firesafe by inches with my face..  i couldnt feel my right leg at all.. you could hit it with a hammer and i still wouldntve felt it.   a month and a battery of tests later tells me i am sick.. and i have m.s.

   so from that point on my life seemed to sprial down and out of my control

   then 9 years later the love of my life my highschool sweetie dies sitting right behind me at the puter @ 38 of heart failure.. and i didnt know until it was too late.... i never got to say goodbye or i love you one last time to him... he was beyond any words reaching his ears.

 and the world spun in such wicked circles around me then.. i did not know who i was or how i was supposed to survive and live without him...  but 4 1/2 years later i am happily remarried..to a wonderful guy.. still dont think the children thing will happen for us.... not that we wouldnt IF the oppurtunity presented itself to us.  i just know it wont happen... 2 scares this year.. but 2 pee sticks tell us otherwise... and now hubby is thinking about totally  neutering himself..

 so sun... i know life sucks right now and you are not happy and dont know where you are headed.. but neither did i and look what i just wrote you about unseen forces at work,, and yours will come...