Betrayed Spouses Support

I got the bomb dropped on me that my husband of 12 years had cheated on me during a guys weekend a few months ago. He said he was sorry, knew I would leave him, blah, blah, blah.

I am a wreck. Have been to the doctor to get checked out, have made a counseling appointment for myself and asked him to go on a "business trip" this week so I could think and grieve and try not to have the kids (7 & 9) figure out that anything is wrong. He went. Hasn't made any contact with me. I emailed him today to ask if we can meet for lunch to talk about what comes next. He didn't reply. But I did get am email of the itinerary for his next guys weekend - his brothers bachelor party in Vegas. I now have a new level of hurt to deal with and am feeling shell shocked all over again. How could he send me that just 3 days later...just the itinerary from the airline. No note, no phone call, nothing. No response to my request to meet. How does he think that is "doing anything it takes" to stay together? I am at a serious loss here.

And now my dilemma becomes the kids and Saturday being Halloween. They are missing him like crazy and here I am so mad at him it is insane. Before I got the itinerary I was going to ask him to join us for the kids sports that day, carving pumpkins, etc. Now I just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate for the winter. But I can't.

And if I was considering trying to work things out I am now seriously rethinking that. If he is going to start out so selfish he obviously doesn't care that much. I am so hurt and angry.

Thank you for the replies. I should clarify that he is not here right now because I asked him not to be. I needed some time and space to think. So we told the kids he was on a "business trip" this week so that I could do that.

He responded to my email this morning and agreed to meet me so we can talk. He then called and left me a message and said he booked the trip because it is his brother and he is the best man and he feels obligated to go. And that he knows I must feel he is a jerk for booking it. DUH. In a way I do get why he feels obligated given how much control his family has always had over him and now us. The difference at this point is that I don't care anymore - they have to back off. This is one of the core issues that has affected our marriage for a very long time. I have decided to l am going to wait on addressing it with him until I talk to my counselor and we see a counselor as well. But, there is no way I can be supportive of him going on that trip at this point and time. No way.

The only thing I know for sure right now is that I have already changed. The old me no longer exists. I have no clue who I am at the moment, but I know enough to know that everything has changed. Everything last little thing.

We are meeting tomorrow to talk for the first time since he left on Sunday. I need to tell him that I am not ready to have him home yet, so we're going to have to figure out seeing the kids and all. Regardless of if we stay together or not, I am demanding counseling since we have the kids to consider in all of this. I don't think I should have to tell him that though, I want him to take some initiative all on his own.

it appears that your husband is so caught up with his new found bravado that he has begun thinking like a bachelor vs a husband.

some men, my husband, use the discovery of their way of laying it out there. this is what i want and now what are you going to do about it? in my case, i was so much like you, wanting to crawl in a hole and pulling the hole in on top of me, that i just gave in. i focused only on my heart and pain - since i was totally blind sided - i did not see the danger of loosing sight of the real issue - drawing a line in the sand. not playing a victim but showing him i was simply worth better - that i would simply not allow any man to treat me in this manner, husband or no husband.

it is incredible to me that he would share with you that he intends on joining the vegas bunch. you know 'what goes on in vegas stays in vegas'. that i can attest to - my husband also went to vegas for opening day of the nfl with the boys - only problem he spent part of the first day at the chicken ranch, part of the second evening with an escort locked up in his executive suite, and part of the 3rd day with the same escort. and then after that week end he comes home and wants to be all lovey dovey with me, telling me "i spent the last few days deep in thought about how i have let you down" wtf????????????????????????

that is the problem something takes over their head or should i say heads (the one on top of their shoulders and the one between their legs) - they totally loose their friggin minds because they think we will still be around. if given a second chance i would have:

1- been tested for std's and hiv
2- seen an attorney, and left the attorneys business card out for him to see
3- demanded couple and individual counseling
4- laid it out there - the next boys out - STAY OUT - no more home to come home to.
5- began practicing the 180* - you really need to do this - it is on this site please look it up.
6- full disclosure - what happened, all passwords to emails, also i would have put a keylogger on his computer WITHOUT his knowledge.

it is time for you to start taking care of you and putting you first. you have probably focused so much on being a wife and a mother that you have lost sight of who you are. now is the time to ask yourself that question WHO AM IT AND WHAT DO I WANT AND DESERVE OUT OF THIS LIFE????

your old life is gone forever. the foundation has been demolished, hard fact to deal with but so true. if you want to stay with this man and he wants to stay with you then the new foundation will need to be built on honesty, integrity, love, laughter, friendship, and open communication.

i am sorry for your pain, but do not allow him to take advantage of it. it is so easy for them to continue to act like and as* and then simply say 'i am sorry'. no, do not give away your power. you deserve to be treated like the special woman you are DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN THAT.

we are here for you.