Betrayed Spouses Support

I found out a week ago that my wife of six years has been having an affair with her college boyfriend.  He lives in another state over 700 miles away.  She started acting very differently about 4 months ago. I chalked it up to grid because her brother has committed suicide. But this was the same time as our anniversary and when the affir really started to take off (I have cell phone records).  She also turned 40 in ma of this year (possible midlife crisis?).  

She flew away on "business" more than oce and spent time in the mountains of NC with him while I took care of our 3.5 and 1.5 yeard old children.  I signed a separation agreement on Oct 1 and moved out.  I did not discover the affair until three weeks after.    SHe does not know that I know and I did call her to tell her I was filing for divorce (we had originally agreed to hold off on filing for a while). 

She acted angry and surprised that I am filing for divorce. Her thought process and behavior is so erratic that I do not recognize who she is. She actually suggested that I am the one who needs counseling. SOmtimes she is calm cool and easy to deal with, and other times she is totally on fire with anger, which she directs at everyone (but mostly me).

I am a loving and devoted family man so this has come as a real blow to me.

I am mostly struggling with my own sanity. Are my feelings of anger and sadness normal?  How long does it take for the feelings to go away? SOmeone please tell me that I am not crazy.

Well, you sure are not crazy. And you are right about the midlife crisis. Many times, either a near death experience (heart attack etc) or losing someone close would trigger a reality check and have that person do things as if the end is near and there should not be any regrets. Having an A with the college BF is another sure sign. As if she's just checking off items of a classic midlife crisis. And in this day and age, midlife crisis of course is not restricted to either sex. And yes, around 40, give or take a few years, that's about the right age for all this.

Sadly, it will take a while to resolve all this and the hurt will continue until time takes its toll and healing starts.

So.. what will your next steps be? How will you ensure the well being of your kids?

One remote option is to wait all this out, do the counseling and all, but with very little expectations, more for the purpose of trying to understand your situation better.

Best of luck...

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Do you or does she have interest in rebuilding?  Have you spoken to a counselor/therapist to help you deal with this emotional trauma?  Would it help if she knew that you knew?  Sadly, you can't reason with an unreasonable person and it sounds like  your wife is pretty unreasonable at this time.  The betrayer is often mad or blames the betrayed - it helps take the guilt off their own shoulders.  There are some good articles on the BSSG website; also visit http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com for great insight.  "Tincture of time" does wonders in healing - just put one foot in front of the other and get through the next minute, the next hour, the next day.  Lily

She does not know I know.   She was adamant that I leave the house immediately and even signed a marital separation agreement that is highly favorable to me.  I know that she continues to talk with the OP and even had him down to our home last week for two nights while I had the kids at my house.

My wife has been pretty unreasonable for some time, and now I know why, though it does not excuse her behavior...it just puts it into perspective for me.   I started divorce proceedings this week and she was very surprised and acted angry she wants more "tim" before we file.      It is almost like she it two different people - both of whom I do not know.

I committed to having her over to my house for halloween so we could trick-or-treat as a family, but that was before I knew about her affair.  I am going to be the bigger person and have her over tomorrow, but it will be hard for me to do this.....

I feel on the edge and my heart races everytime I get an e-mail for phone call from her.   She is angry that I am filing but tells the OP that she will do whatever she can to be with him (even though he has a son in lives in another state).  What about our children, one of which is 18 months???? 

Midlife crisis makes the most sense to me along with her wanting to feel in love again....I think Marriage and the stress of a high-stress job, her only brother commiting suicide, and two kinds under four caused her to break. and I am left with the pieces.

I want to tell her that I know but I am not sure it will change anything.  Also, my attorney says not to tell her and it can be my "ace in the hole" if divorce gets ugly or she decides to be difficult. She is so ready to start her new life that she signed over everythin in the separation agreement and my attorney pasted the separation agreement into the divorce petition.

the one point I want to make is that.. not now, not next month, or even not next year.. but at some point.. she may very well come to her senses and regret all the destruction and harm she has caused.. and start getting back to the person you knew her to be.. that's happened to a few of my friends over the years..

It's one of those things that's neither here nor there. There is nothing you can do about it other than accept that it is a possibility.

Keep on the path you are on.. but keep in mind that down the line, she may wake up from the psychosis and tell you the horrible mistakes she has done and how sorry she is and she regrets all that has happened. Make up your mind now as to how you will act when that time comes, however long it may take.

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