Betrayed Spouses Support

There's certainly light for me as an individual, although I was lost after DDay.  My R with my H was a huge part of my life focus and emotional framework, so I was completely off balance and didn’t know how to view the life I’d been living for a while (was it all a lie?).

I’ve since created a sort of Plan B scenario should our M fail completely (which I suppose I should have had in the first place but didn’t think I’d needed), and that has been empowering.

That’s not to say it wouldn’t be difficult to sever our ties and create a new life for myself should it become necessary, but I’ve already faced that and have found I would survive.  That’s important for me know, and leaves a light on “to the side,” should I ever need it.

For us as a couple, regaining trust has been such a daunting task that I'm still somewhat in a wait-and-see mode, but I’m beginning to think that the positive changes I see in my H may be real, and that’s gone a long way toward healing our M.

Personally, I had to see him work (hard!) on himself before I could put any effort of my own in to rebuilding.  His words became meaningless - I had to see action and change.  I also needed him to work to keep me.  Thankfully, he’s approached the task of becoming a better person with a focused eagerness I've never seen in him before.  That, more than anything else, has made a great deal of positive difference for us both.

Early on I was urged by a few not to make things “too hard” on him or he may flee, but I felt the opposite was necessary for my particular H.  He had to figure out what he wanted and what he was willing to do to get it.  He was in a bad place - with himself, his life, and everyone around him - and had to make solid decisions about which way he was going to go.  He’d never had incentive to grow, really, and had hit a true low point.  It was clear he needed help.  It was also clear that he had to help himself.  If I’d made it “easy" on him I don’t know that he would have worked so hard to face and deal with his issues.  And if he’d chosen to continue on as he was I have no doubt he would have gotten worse, and I wanted no part of that.  Thankfully, neither did he, and I get glimpses nearly every day of how far he’s come and how much happier he is.

The work continues, but yes, there’s light at the end of the tunnel now, and I can only hope it keeps growing brighter.

I hope you see light soon, too.  It seems your recovery has been rocky, and I believe you deserve good things.

JD

I agree with Chijds view about how we have found our own "light" as a BS recovering and learning more about ourselves. Having our Plan B and learing that we will survive AND thrive if we must leave is indeed very empowering.

As for seeing the light in my marriage, I know I have a long long way to go. My H horrible selfish actions lead to two major ddays for me and there was damage done that I sometimes feel was just too much to ever really get past.

I think I will see the light when and if the day comes when I no longer feel the pain of all that transpired. I am hoping that one night before I go to sleep I will suddenly think "hey, I had not one painful thought today!!" There really are no words to describe how awesome that would feel.

no i have not seen the light at the end of the tunnel, why? because i have not found the tunnel yet. i am still wandering around trying to make sense of it all, and while i speak to others here of not looking in the rear view mirror, that is what i often do. i try to dissect it all, when did it start?, the why of me still being here after soooo many years?

i am older than you i am pretty sure, and i am angry that i let all of those years simple tick away like seconds on the clock. i watched them all go by - one by one - and for what? i made every excuse for staying in the book. tried everything i knew to change something i had no control over. thinking one more day, one more week, one more month, one more year - yet, the years kept rolling by like a runaway freight train - only thing is i was left at the depot time and time again because i refused to get on the train to somewhere - too busy looking back at the train to no where. sorry rambling i know.

struggling with what i once was - ah yes, what i once was. so happy, so independent, so full of life, so full of ambition, so strong, so trusting, so many dreams, so many hopes, so me. where did go????? where am i???? will i ever find ----- again ?????????????

I was wondering if any of you have seen this light people speak of?

Thank you for asking such great questions. Yeah, I  think I'm one in this stage.  I can definitely see a change. For one thing,  the impact is less . It's been over a year. For another, ex ow has been gone for good and not harassed us in a year, so the fear is less. I had great fear of her. Every once in a while I still have fear  she is checking us out, but not as much anymore, I'm not looking around all the time . The rebuilding has not changed. Husband is still very loving, sorry, supportive. If I have a crying jag like last week he is supportive , kind, tender,  not judgemental. So, over such a long time, I just am getting used to how well everything is going. Maybe  am a little spoiled of his behavior , being flattered so often, the presents.  It will always be a dark spot. I have great difficulty with it. But we are on a good path.