Well I found a plane ticket (non refundable) to go see her and I confronted him. Later I told him that I can forgive, but if he gets on the plane that's it. I'm not 100% sure that's true. We took the kids ToTing last night then had a long talk. He agreed to end it and me and the kids spent the night (they were suppose to anyway). This morning he ended it (in front of me and we agreed on what he would say), he changed his number and cancelled the flight (said he wasn't sure he was really going to go anyway, felt sick to his stomach when he bought it, etc).
Now I'm suppose to be moving 3hrs away this next weekend but we're trying to move back in together). I don't know what to do. He's been open with answering my questions, agreed to counseling, etc. I'm just not sure how I feel. I'm still hurt/angry/confused. Do I just want him because he "moved on", will he really change (rather...does he really want to?), will it happen again? We've had some heated discussions because I go from one emotion to the other and he doesn't seem to handle the angry emotion well (anger begets more anger). Seems like once again I've forgiven him too easily. Maybe I should move and see what happens. Maybe I can't forgive him because this is twice now.
I just don't know. My gut is telling me it will happen again. I wish people came with built in lie detectors/guiltometers). I don't think I could survive #3 (although we were "separated" but I was under the impression we were going to work on things and he went looking for someone else.
Should I just forget it and move on? Try counseling? Anyone else make it work after A #2?
First of all, does he really want to stay married to you? If he does I think he needs to have his problems addressed. IMO he has problems he needs to have addressed by a professional so counseling is a good idea. First you want to find a counselor supportive of YOU. So you need to access on the phone before you make any appointment the counselor's stance on adultery and Betrayed Spouses, if they are supportive of you and and you get support during the sessions. Then you go first and have a clear goal, like say, "I am looking for a counselor who will SUPPORT ME and HELP ME TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE." Find a counselor who you feel comfortable with, who you feel will support you and help you with your husband. Then after this you can be comfortable to have him go, and go alone, to have help with is problem. When you go past the pain and see the problems of our spouse, and if you are of a nurturing nature, you can help him to do a better job with rebuilding. Secondly, even after you do all this check up on him all the time. It's exausting and there may be relapses. This will be hard on you but your husband has a problem! One thing we do which has worked is I am the administrator of my husband's phone/computer and my husband agrees because , well, he broke a rebuilding condition and he does want to stay in the marriage. So I check up on all his use. In our case my husband had a porn addiction which led to the A. This doesn't mean he may not try to use another phone so it's important to be aware and watching, looking in his things for extra phones or anything else.And do be prepared for those relapses. Marriages are W O R K. It's like a crazy person. Can you blame them for being crazy? No. So be aware your husband has problems and so you need to not just trust him. Do we trust crazy people? No. Soooooo, check up on him all the time. Watch his cell phone, go to visit him at lunch at work, don't allow 'boys nights out' without you , confirm anything he says he is doing, keep him B U S Y with jobs arounnd the house, playing with the kids, on and on. And work on the marriage, make it better. Get to the bottom of WHY he did it. It will hurt, I know, but with time you will come to accept it. What was it he could not resist about her? IMO you need counseling if he wants to stay married but wants to cheat. Do YOU love him enough to hel himm through all this? It's a serious question. Another thing, you need to be living with him. If you have separated all bets are off. He has to want you and you have to want him and then you both have to work together and maybe a counselor can help you both if you both are committed to the marriage. I'm so sorry. All the above I learned from my experience with my mess, I'm not just spouting off at you. Good luck.
"Should I just forget it and move on? Try counseling? Anyone else make it work after A #2?"
I found out about "failed-attempt-at-an-A-#1" and "actual-A-#2" within months, so for me they’re both wrapped up in one big horrible ball of hell. I don't know if you learned about both of your H’s A at relatively the same time, as I did, or if you’d worked through one just to be hit with another (which is a horror I can’t comprehend). Either way, I agree with you - I can't imagine going through this again. Really, what would be the point?
Here’s my experience with that in a nutshell, in case it’s helpful:We were already in therapy over "failed-attempt-at-an-A-#1" when I learned about "actual-A-#2". I threw him out then and told them they could have each other. That's when my H began to take radical actions toward positive change. For my H, once the reality of what he'd done and what it was costing him became real he got serious about getting rid of the OW and getting help for himself.
Up until then he'd been namby-pamby about ending the A ("I was tryyying to get her to go away...") and lying in therapy.It was as if he needed something else - something outside of himself - to cause him to make better decisions, and my throwing him out made the difference.I can’t say he completely snapped out of what people refer to as “the fog” immediately, but he began then and there to emerge from whatever dark place he’d been in and got help for himself.It wasn’t long before everything about him, especially his take on what he’d been doing and why, was completely different (ie, healthier, clearer, more rational).
I’d suggest presenting your H with a list of actions (which speak louder than words) that you need to see from him before you'll agree to put any more effort in to your M. First and foremost is NC with either OW, and no further questionable relationships. Make sure he sees a good therapist every week (until you're satisfied) to figure out why he's done what he's done and confront the issues that led him to seek the OW in the first place. Require that he become an "open book" to you - email, cell phone records, everything. Require that he attend MC with you (again, to your satisfaction). Fill in the blank with whatever it is you need to be convinced that your H isn’t just feeding you another line.
I wouldn't settle for anything less, and don't think anyone else should have to.
As for your moving away vs. moving back in together, you can’t watch him from 3 hours away, but maybe that distance would be good for you both to figure out what you want now.Absence can make the heart grow fonder, but distance can also separate your lives.Figure out which is best for you, all things considered.
“I wish people came with built in lie detectors/guiltometers,” too.Wouldn’t that make things so much easier?
He cut off contact (he no longer has a personal email...and we don't have internet at home but we do have it on our phones). He let's me check his phone whenever I want and whenever he gets a call he shows me who is calling. I'm calling a counselor soon to see about MC and IC (I know some won't see both of us for IC or if we are doing MC). We're both trying to correct bad habits that lead to the separation in the first place. He answers any questions I have about the A's.
A #1 and A #2 (both to my knowledge were EA's) were about 2-3 months apart. He did kiss A #1 (could have been more but I'll never know, she did say they did not have S). A #2 he never met in person strictly an internet "relationship" (they did talk on the phone).
From what he says (both times) it was never he was attracted to them, they were more like a self esteem boost/someone to talk to. He did tell both we were married (but getting divorced which was semi-true.) Neither OW cared. He blamed me at first (you drove me to this, etc) but now realizes it was not my doing. I've told him time and time again, if your unhappy...leave/divorce (if he does not want to work things out), do not have an A because I was unhappy too but I was faithful. There's NO excuse to have an A...period!! A 3rd A and I'm gone, there will be NO reconciliation at that point.
He said he told OW #2 that he still loved me and her response was "well that's to be expected when you've been together as long as yall have". No offense to anyone but she's a preachers daughter!!! You'd think she'd be against trying to be with a MM but nothing surprises me anymore.
I do think we can work this out. I've decided not to move (he's living back at home now). The option is there (if things do not improve I will move when my dd is out for christmas break). I'm standing up for things more. I'm trying to forgive but not forget. He definitely has a lot of steps to take to regain my trust. He has been really helpful around the house and with the kids. Wants to spend time with me, talks about the future, etc.
I don't know what the future holds for us, then again none of us on this board do. People make mistakes and if he is truly remorseful and we can get to the "why's" of why it happened, I think we will be a success story. Naïve or hopeful? We shall see...
How old is your husband? The thing is, there IS a male mid life crisis and that whole self esteem ego boost thing is a part of it. I think it's good he get rid of the internet as this is where he is picking up these women. Does/did he have profiles on different sites? Was/is he active with online porn or sending dirty photos back and forth with these women? Could there be a sex addiction or developing sex addiction?
Love 
