I found out almost 2 months ago that my husband had been carrying on a emotional, all phone/text affair for 4 1/2 months with some woman that came up to him randomly and pursued him for two weeks at work. He works in a place that deals with the public all day long, so she for lack of a better term was a customer of the business. Once she handed out her numbers to him, it began. I had no idea. We have been married for 25 years, and together for 27 years. Nothing changed in our relationship. I was there present in our relationship on all levels for him every day. I was attentive and caring and was completely blindsided. I never had a clue that something was going on until one evening, when I had text him late asking him to text me on his way home so I could have his dinner warm and ready for him when he got home. The text actually was delivered, which surprised me, as he didn't normally have his cell phone on at work. I fully expected that it wouldn't be delivered until he was out of work. I happened to be texting my daughter as well, and i noticed that the text actually was delivered. I thought it odd, but just dismissed it. Then I started wondering why it went through and time got later and later. Now typically I would be asleep when he got home in the evening during the work week, but this was a Friday night, and our older daughter was out with her boyfriend so I was waiting for both of them to come home. Mind you my husband works hard and I thought was just working late every night until 11:15 or so. As my imagination started wandering a bit more, I remembered that my husband had opened the cell phone bill the month before (it was odd as he never had before, and I took care of that). So my imagination continued to wander. I called his phone and no answer, straight to voicemail. I left a few voicemails and got more and more angry. I text and no response. I finally called his work and was told that he had left quite some time ago and pretty much always left right on time (it was like I was being given a clue by someone that had figured out what was going on). I finally called and got him and started on a verbal rampage. He came home expecting that I would have thrown his clothes outside. He came in very cocky and defensive and I said, ok now that I see you have racked up 1200 minutes in the last month on the cell phone bill (free mobile to mobile prevented a large additional phone charge). I asked who he had been talking to all that time. He said "people" I didn't buy that for anything. After a little while he told me. He called it a "friendship". I didn't buy that either. He wouldn't give me the name right away. Finally did. Then I asked for her number as he had deleted from the phone. He wouldn't do that. Well, wasn't he shocked when I pulled it all up on line, charge by charge, text by text for 4 1/2 months. Evidence. He had called her on our anniversary, on my daughters 11th birthday. Not just once but several times each day. Hours and hours of calls, and staying away every night for an additional hour before coming home from work. He even spoke to her on the way to work for 25 minutes, while I would get some lame text saying "love you" and nothing more. From that night, I was up for about 48 hours straight. He didn't think I would forgive him and didn't know how to handle any of what was coming next. It took hours to get through to figure out what he wanted and just to get over the shock that he of all people had betrayed me. He and I talked all that night and decided to try to make it work. I took his phone, I also researched every day on those phone bills. It was torture, but I was in such disbelief I had to see the actual evidence. I couldn't believe that he had called on days that were to have been outtings as a family or when I was at the hospital with our daughter as she was having an mri. He worked an overnight schedule one night and had talked to her at midnight, 2:30 and gave her a wake up call at 5:20. I was devastated. It hurts now. I love my husband very much, and have no idea what happened to make him think this was ok ever. He and she discussed it being wrong, discussed having the same cell phone provider, discussed keeping it from me. He tells me repeatedly that none of the calls were sexual in nature nor were the texts. It was random conversations about what was going on that day. just everyday stuff. Although it still should have been stuff talked about with me. As the time went on I found through the phone records that the calls were getting more lengthy and frequent. She was in the midst of a divorce and I truly believe had an agenda that she was working on my actually rather naive husband. I did text her the day following my finding out, from my husbands phone. He had asked me not to, but I had to. I remained respectful and used every ounce of decorum I had and simply asked her to please respect my marriage and family and to please not contact my husband or see my husband in anyway. Well she came back with a text attacking me and saying that I had no right to tell her anything and that now she knew what kind of person I really was. My husband swears that he never said anything to her about me in negative way and that he was in love with me and was happily married. He also said that none of it makes any sense as to why it happened at all. He hasn't spoken to her since that night I found out. He is really working on our relationship, which was great before all this. It is hard. He wants to forget that he did it and is terribly guilty about and hates that he hurt me. He has forgotten the conversations he had with her and her number, although had also forgotten that he had her number in his wallet which I came across yesterday while putting a new picture of our daughter in his wallet. I confronted him and he did tell me that he had just forgotten that he had it in his wallet. He destroyed it. We had a related argument last night but he has since come to truly realize that finally that he had cheated and he begged my forgiveness and told me that I am the love of his life and that she meant nothing to him and he simply didn't know how to get out of it. she did almost all the talking during this and he never enjoyed himself during it.
None of this has been easy, but I we have too much history and future potential to not give it all we have to try to make it through this. My heart still hurts some, but with time and work I think we will be truly happy again.
I'm sorry you find yourself here. It sounds like your H is truly sorry and truly ready to move on.
However, just a heads-up so you won't be blind-sided again: Many, many of us here have heard similar things and then realized that often the WS will lie when first confronted. It must be truly difficult to admit such a thing, so often the minimizing and lying kicks in. It's often, "we were just friends" "there was nothing sexual" "I didn't now how to get out of it" "it meant nothing to me" "I forgot that number was there".
I hope that yours is the exception and not the rule, but just in case please be diligent to verify that he has indeed stopped contacting her and get checked out for STD's unless you are somehow positive that nothing physical actually happened.
I find it hard to believe that someone can go from that sort of intense schedule of contact to nothing so quickly, but for your sake I hope that is truly the case. If not, just be ready to set your boundaries and keep insisting that any sort of contact with this OW is totally unacceptable.
Thanks for your support. The weirdest part was that she never shared her real first name or her last name with my husband. She has his full name, my name and our children's names and where they attend school. Well in order to have a level playing field, I have her real name, picture, address, phone numbers, car make, model, color and license plate number, have seen the house and any other info I found pertinent. The other part is that his cell phone is on my account and he doesn't have any access to the bill at all. I did change his number completely and have blocked her numbers (without his knowledge) from his phone. I found it a very worthwhile small fee to pay. I have from time to time checked to see who and where he is calling and know every one of the numbers. He also admitted to me that he did call her from his work number once and only once. He would have no reason to tell me at all if he wasn't trying to actually be honest. With all that he put me through he deserves all that I need answered and to be reassured. I told him that if he could do this to me for 4 1/2 months I get at least that long to get over this and ask any questions I find necessary even if repeatedly. He told me that he would share with me if she ever showed up at his workplace and how he would handle it. I truly do feel he is being sincere about this and am optimistic that he is the exception to the rule on this. I do appreciate your support and comments. Please note that I am not the naive person he apparently thought I was. I do think he underestimated me and had no idea as to what information I could gather in a matter of 30 minutes on her. He is now home right on schedule every evening and is talking to me about everything and spending the time with me on the phone that he had spent with her and spending the time with me after work. He swore to me on his childrens lives that he would never have any contact with this woman again or do anything like this to me or us in any way shape of form. Our younger daughter (11) has no idea but our oldest (almost 21) knows everything and my husband feels absolutely horrendous that he hurt our children and hurt us. I can see it in his eyes when he has to talk to me about it and it is sincere. He truly wants to forget about it ever happening and says that he wishes it never had happened. I found it very difficult to believe him at first, but after extensive conversations with him do believe that he is here and present and working on our marriage. It doesn't make me any less angry at the OW and still have much anger towards her. I am finally now feeling stronger and better about the future ahead.
Get yourself tested for std's. I dont buy some of his story. He didnt know how to get out of it? BS. You just say it is wrong and I want no part of it.
I am glad you are positive about your situation and your husband sees that in you. I hope the best for you but still keep your eyes open.
Your situation is VERY similar to mine---even down to the length of time it lasted(just about 5 months). We also are rebuilding, I believe my husband wants to fix this and that he is very sorry and very commited to our marriage.
Here's my word to you, though. I, too, was totally blindsided. It's now been 16 months, and I'm still healing. It's a long road---even if you're both commited and working and trying. Don't expect that after 4 1/2 months you're going to be better. You will be better than today, hopefully---but, at least for me and many others, it's a very long road once that trust is broken. The hurts keep coming back, the triggers will remind you of that period, the "how could you have?" feeling wells up again.
Therapy and a couple of friends have taught me that there is no "right way" or "right amount of time" to get over this. Truth is---you will never get over this. Things will always be a little bit different---not necessarily bad, but different. Ideally, you can reconnect in a way that brings a new depth and meaning to your relationship. But something was lost that will never come back the same way. You have to find your own way to accept that and enjoy the place that you will get to......It's not easy and I'm still working on it. My husband sometimes gets impatient and frustrated (after all, he's doing all the right things now), but he's FINALLY understanding that this is a long road and the damage from his behavior runs deep and he says he's there for me no matter how long this takes.
Hopefully, maybe, your experience will be different. I just wanted to share with you because, if it isn't, you're totally normal. Don't be hard on yourself and don't let your husband be hard on you. Good luck with all of this and let me know how it's going...
Love 
