Betrayed Spouses Support

I just found out my husband of 5 years (been together for 12 years) cheated on me 3 years ago with a woman he worked with.   The (physical) affair took place for about 3-4 months, but I just found out that they have not stopped talking.   He swears they were just friends and did not think there was anything wrong with them just talking.   He says they have "a connection".   I saw the past couple of months cell phone bills and a lot of the Text and calls were iniated by my husband.  I called the other woman and she says that he is the one who pursued her, told her he loved her and was getting a divorce from me.  He says that he didn't mean it and they were just drunk. 

Since I found out he says he wants to do anything possible to make it work.  We have started seeing a counselor and she says there is hope.  We just have alot of work ahead of us.   It feels hopeless, but we have a 16 month old daughter and I do love him.  But I am so devasted & angry, I just don't know how to make it work.

I would love to hear people's feed back.  Am I being naive?

none of us know your husband, very few of us would be inclined to advise you to stay or leave at this point.

i would recommend that you read as many posts as possible on this site, while each of our stories is different, we are all very much alike.

the utmost first thing you must do is draw a line in the sand NO MORE CONTACT WITH THE OTHER WOMAN. tell him straight out, 'I DON'T WANT TO HEAR A DAM* THING ABOUT ANY FRIGGIN CONNECTION YOU HAVE WITH HER, 'i am your wife, not her, it is either me or it is her'. let him know that any further contact is a deal breaker.

therapy is very important, just be sure that your therapist is familiar and has had experience with infidelity. this is very very important.

he must have an open door policy (your husband) - you should have access to all passwords, where he is at all times, truth and open communication.

while i know you feel like falling apart right now, you simply can not - often times the pain and heartache of it all takes every bit of energy out of us. give yourself some time to mourn the loss of the man you wanted him to be, but do not dwell on it - i know, easier said than done. but you are talking to someone who has been thru this before and made every mistake possible.

things have changed, things are different now - YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU - he no longer is in control, THIS HE MUST UNDERSTAND. he had his chance to protect you , and he friggin blew it - he has shown you the type of man he is BELIEVE HIM.

i will share with you that i fell apart, totally fell apart - oh my God if i could only go back and redo that. my husband took advantage of that, he 'said' he was sorry, but he was not he was only sorry that he got caught. there is a big difference!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for what ever reason i chose to focus on the pain of it all, it was if i was living in a dam* dream, if only i improved, did better, treated him better, are you understanding what i am saying. i was willing, no, i changed for him - it was all about him, i no longer mattered any longer. i totally lost me and now i am older and so saddened that i gave away all of that power please do not do what i did.

nothing in life is hopeless, not if you BOTH really WANT it. everything is possible. that is the power of love, but he has to WANT IT AS MUCH AS YOU DO or you will find yourself back at square one, only difference it will be a different woman.

you are all of that and a bag of chips, not her, you. if he does not see it, well it is up to you to tell him loud and clear. "if i am not what you want, don't let the door hit ya, where the good Lord split ya" - YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

please love yourself enough to make your happiness what is most important. then and only then can you or will you be the woman and mother you want to be.

marriage is suppose to be a mutual bond of respect, emphasis on mutual.

we are here for you, we care, we have been where you are.

Ugh!

I'm soo sorry this is happening to you. Look, my spouse of 20 years had four affairs ok. It's going to be hard, that can't be avoided. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can only deal with you and your child. You can only fix you.

On this list we push the 180. http://bssgiv.tripod.com/id11.html It's on the board website.

Look, in everything I read over the past year, if you are not being physically abused, it's best to not leave until you have had some therapy, maybe read a little, and had a little time to process what just happened to you.

First things first ok:

Eat! Don't eat junk food. Get a balanced meal in you. You are about to make the hardest decisions of your life at a time when you feel the worst you have ever felt. Getting some food in you will help take some of the edge off.

Work out. Getting a work out will help work through some of the stress and the endorphins will give you an emotional boost. Not to mention that over time you will feel a lot better about yourself. Just do this. I'm a year and a bit out. I'm in great shape now and I was NOT at the time of the affair. Just this little boost of self esteem right now is really huge for me now.

Get a personal shrink. Marriage counseling is often an effort to fix the other person. Individual counseling is about fixing you. Remember! You need to focus on you now!

Consider getting a lawyer. You don't have to use him just yet, just know your rights. And by seeing a lawyer, you may force him to come out of his affair bubble and begin to face the realities of what he just did to his family.

Set a bottom line with him and let him know what the penalties are for crossing those lines. Then do it! If it takes placing all his cloths out on the front porch in garbage bags. That may be what you need to do.

Good luck! I'm pulling for you. Post what's going on to us ok. Ask a million questions.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

What's going on? Give us an update. Worried about you sweetie!

Thomas

Thanks for checking in.  Things are okay.  The other night he threatened to leave,  I was grilling him with questions (which our therapist had told me not to) because it was only going to upset me (which it did) and it was not going to get me any where and get him upset.  I know I should not ask the questions but sometimes my mind just gets the best of me and I can't help it.  He did not end up leaving. 

Last night I did something for myself which felt great - I tried a yoga class.  He was home and put our daughter to bed.  It was really nice to have that 1.5 hour to my self.   I was able to keep my thoughts & questions contained due to having other things to focus on.  I also scheduled an appt. with a therapist for myself to see individually so I can talk to someone about my thoughts other than fighting it out with my husband.

I definately love him & he is great father, I just don't want to be naive and stay and have this happen again.  I know I shouldn't think like that but I can't help it.   I have no trust nor do I feel I ever will.

I guess there really is something to the expression, "One day at a Time"...