Betrayed Spouses Support

Ok everyone, I really need some advise here.

It will 6 weeks since I found out that my H was still seeing the OW that he assured me in Feb. was over. I will be one year in next week since he first made contact her.

Here are my questions:
What do you do if in your gut you know that he still lying to you. I'm not 100% sure that he is not still talking to her. I'm not 100% sure that this has not happened previously one or more times with others. One day I am positive that he is seriously committed to working on our M then suddenly I get that same old gut feeling that he is keeping things from me.

What do you do if he is is pushing for make major changes this early in the game. He wants to put our house on the market and get something smaller. (This was the original plan to do just before we retire and we only have 3years or so to go) We have three children in college, medical bills are rolling from an accident I had in Sept. So yes, financially it would make sense but mentally it is simply frightening, and I think that the stress of it all would be more than I, he or the relationship could handle. He has even suggested several times that we go away on a cruise or something to "get away from it all" as if the problems will remain at home and not travel along.

Also, one of our main issues is that long ago we stopped talking to each other about the things that mattered. So I have felt that he has not been there with emotional support for years. Anytime that I ask a question, and not just about the A, but about the things that we are trying to work on (we are going to separate counseling - will do couples counseling soon) he closes me out again. Seems to withhold even the smallest display of affections.
Am I pushing too hard?

I am so confused as to whether or not to even continue to try and work at this we will have been married 26 years on Thanksgiving. he has not set aside regular times to discuss any of the problems the only discussions that happen are if I initiate them them.

He thinks that I am not being cooperative in the recovery because I have been all over the place mentally and emotionally. I can't seem to get my thoughts to stay still long enough to grasp one before another emotion takes over. He states that he can't handle it being here 24-7 with all the emotions. He doesn't know if his mental health will survive - I think that if either one of us leave at this point it would be more running away, especially if he leaves, he already took the easy way out when he had the A. Does this seem wrong? I have finally told him that I need a place to start and I felt that that place was my ability to find even one small thing that would give the first foundation to trust. Right now I don't believe a word he says - so how do I "work" on the recovery process in that state of mind.

Wow. Why do you think he is still carrying on with the OW?

Yes, your emotions are all over the place. WHY WOULDNT THEY BE?

I am sorry you are feeling this way. How is his relationship with the children? Do they know what has been going on between the 2 of you?

I almost hate to say this- but it sounds like he doesnt cope very well with emotional stress. Do you think he is under alot of stress because of finances? Or do you wonder if he is setting things up so he can leave?

In response to the children, the are all young adults 21-25 and in college, two live at home right in between apartments and one 2 hours away. Yes, we talked to them and explained that we are having martial problems and are working on things, I made him do the talking. We did not go into detail of what the problems are. I am certain that my oldest daughter is aware that one of us had an A, and prob. the other two have an idea.

We have always been a really close family doing may things together even now - and even now as they are older enjoy spending time doing adult activities together.

No, he does not cope with emotional stress or emotional expression of any kind, never did. This is one of the main triggers of our difficulties. Then both avoid conflict so nothing is ever "worked out" or "fought over". Just pushed under the rug.

I'm sure that he is stressed about finances but so am I, somehow in the last few years we moved to the, my money your money. I am working full time to pay my sons college outright. He is paying the loans we took to for they two girls, plus all the other bills. Now I have been out on medical leave since 9-5 and my last paycheck was early Oct. So there is the additional stress of my financial responsibilities being lumped into the rest.

I had believed back in Feb that he was setting things up to leave, he wanted to by property in another state (the one we had always planned to retire in). I bulk since all of this had come to light and told him that I didn't feel comfortable with this given what I found out. He got angry and said that my insecurities were more important that our financial stability.
Since the fallout in Oct. I found out that the OW lives in the state where we were going to retire (about and hour from where we were looking) the property he wanted to by in March (he had me picking it out) turned out to be something they would us so as not to be going to hotels.

As for is he still carrying on with her. That is the biggest nagging question I have. In Feb when I found he texted her breaking it off with out saying the "its over" words she replied with I understand what you have to do.
I told him she would contact him again and I wanted to know right away. I am women and if I were in her position I wouldn't give up that easy they were carrying on for a year.

She e-mailed him last week and because I was having a bad night before and bad day that morning he LIED AGAIN, with the advise of his counslor - he told her I was suicidal because i keep having what he calls meltdowns. I'm hurt, depressed, devasated and cry a lot, DUHHHHHHH. Oh, her email stated that she told her husband she was unhappy, gave him a list of all the things that make her so, said she was getting help. But never said that she had an A.
Not only did my H reply he went on to tell her what we are doing in our "recovery" right down to what I was doing. I feel that is none of her business, she has no right to any information regarding my life private or public.

So the answer to all of your questions with the exception of my children, is I don't know, and that is what my problem is. So I can't find the first step to moving on.

How do you start to begin the recovery process if you can't find the smallest handhold be begin to trust. I am so tired both physically and mentally. I don't sleep, I hardly eat, I am afraid to be around people lest something triggers my tears. And I will be returning to work soon which is a high stress position, don't know if I can handle it or will lose my control on my emotions and my job.

How do you know that it is right to even try to move one? And why is it always us, the ones that have been dealt the blow that are left to clean up the mess?

I am so confused,

I understand what you are saying. Does he say he wants to rebuild? Or does he say it and then think you should just get over it?

He caused this. I know from experience that if the A did not die out on its own- then after things settle down they start back up. I have a idea that maybe he was inlove with the OW. Maybe he is trying to do the right thing.

I dont want to hurt you at all- I just want you to take care of yourself. The moving of money from US to you- is a red flag to me. I know people do it all the time but your situation makes me think that there is a detachment taking place.

You go to individual counselling? You do the 180? Because you see, you got to start doing for you. You cant rebuild on your own.

I asked about his emotional expression because of your title.

It sounds like he is that man. And even though you do so much and have as a loving family- something is not right with him. It just him.

I was in a bad M and my husband was all about himself too- I got tired of being hurt. I worshipped the ground he walked on LITERALLY. Did everything- just got tired of being hurt. He told me that he loved me and always loved me- but didnt think he was ever inlove with me. I stewed on that for a couple of years then I left.

I remarried 21 yrs ago and I never looked back.

sandy
Thanks so much for answering me, I really need it today. We both had our counseling today. Rough to say the least.

He says that he wants to rebuild, but he said that if feb so I don't know what to believe - he lied then. I sometimes think that in his own way he does.

We just had a knock down drag out argument really the first one of substance since we have been married (26 yrs).

Anyway, I have he doesn't understand that I have been working at this for 8 months, and the pain is worse since i know that he lied while telling me he wants to work on it.

So while he is at his session learning how to deal with the communication problem in our lives, I am stuck dealing with the issues of the continued affair, the trust, the betrayal. There were so many things that he did during this 8 month period that hurt so badly, and I can't get over the fact that he made me an accomplice to his dirty deeds. He so involved me in this - my unwittingly- I don't know what to trust.

I have told him that I can't start to rebuild us until I can trust.
He starts to diss my counselor because we are not talking about the same things as his, my is not good enough. I have had three sessions and in all of these see has listened to me unload. Made a few comments but there is so much to say and get out before she can help me know where to start. He can't understand this. SO he wants me to feel sorry for the fact that he is trying the best he can and that he gets no credit for what he has done.
What he doesn't get is that to me it is the same words, the actions that I got in Feb. The one time he had a chance to tell the truth he lied, this was last week.

I keep trying to get through to him that I am 8 months ahead of him in the process, but at the same time I am way behind. I can't get past the lies, he can't find a way to make be believe.

He went as far to say that everything that happened in Feburary is insignificant - can you believe that! Those words just invalidated all my feelings of mistrust, fear, hurt anger and so on. Like I am supposed to forget what happened and deal with the marriage issues. I'm just supposed to forget that the A ever happened.
I don't know what to do or where to turn. I have placed a call to my counsler - I just don't see a good ending to this. He is way to wrapped up in himself to see the pain and destruction he has caused.

So I sit locked in my bedroom crying and talking to a stranger on line. I feel so lost and alone. Thanks for being there.