Hello - I just found out 5 days ago that my husband of 4 years (been together 8 years) has been cheating on me since february...when I was 6 months pregnant with our son. He has been cheating on me with a former friend of mine that was even in our wedding and says that they have fallen in love. He said that it was all physical in the beginning, and just the past couple of months it got serious (mostly because her husband found out and she is getting a divorce now...so my husband had a decision in front of him).
For the first couple of days all I did was beg him to stay for our son, to at least give us chance to see if we can repair the damage. I do love him dearly and had no idea this was happening, I thought this was one of the happiest times of our lives with the birth of our son. I knew he was distant but I thought it was just dealing with the new change in our life. I'm just so lost right now because deep down inside I feel like I want to work it out, but I'm not sure he feels the same way. On D day he told me that he would cut it off with her and I made him send a message to her that said no more contact, just to find out that they were texting the next two days and him telling her that I forced him to do that and that he still loved her...devastated again I told him that was it and I was taking the baby and leaving. He decided to go running for a break from the arguing and came back crying and had a breakdown....it was at that moment that I think I found a little hope. He says that he has sent another message out of free will to end it there and that he wants to work it out with me. I just hope I am not being naive.
Our biggest issue right now is not knowing what to do next, and all he keeps saying is "why did i do this to you if i really loved you I wouldn't have done this". and I am overwhelmed with hurt and anger not sure how to even begin forgiving.
I really don't know where I am going with this post, I just needed to share my pain with others that have done this before and I am looking for any advice on how to even think about beginning the process of forgiving and moving forward.
Please pray for me though because our 4 year anniversary is in 2 days, and I just feel like I might lose it.
I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but this is a very good place to vent, ask questions, and get valuable information. It sounds like your H has had his "ah ha" moment...he is beginning to understand the gravity of what he did. That is one of the first steps down this long rocky road.
If it all possible, you should both try to get into counseling. A good counselor will help him understand how he could do this and will help you understand what you can do to begin to move beyond this betrayal.
We have all been through this; spouses that love one another can hurt one another this badly, but they do need to stop and figure out how they came to make those decisions. And forgiveness can happen. But all of this takes lots of time and work; you will both have to really want your marriage back.
For now, think about the things you need from him to begin to rebuild trust...do you need to have access to his cell phone, to his passwords? You get to call those shots. Hugs to you!
I am so sorry for your pain, i know it all to well...You have found a great place.. come here often, we are here for you.. we have all been where you are.. me, I have been EXACTLY where you are... My STBX started his second affair while I was 8 months pregnant (and at the same time - his first encounter with her - he knocked her up! -can you imagine: not even wearing a condom, and ejaculating inside her) -- shheeshh.... anyhow she had an abortion).... well I found out when I was 9 months pregnant.. and just like your H my STBX had his aahh moment.. that moment came when he thought about paying two child supports, having no contact with OUR son, realizing how bad things were.... Because I was 9 months pregnant, and STBX begged and pleaded, promised me the sun and the moon I took him back.... But remember this was STBX Affair #2 - so there was a lot of work that he needed to do -- the problem was - he didn't want to do the work! he wanted to say sorry, it wont happen AGAIN! and lets move on.... So i give birth on JULY 9th to a beautiful baby boy and STBX wants us to be perfect, wants me to completely forget what he has done.... It never got better... i was never ever able to move forward -- and as it turns out - I suspect this is when Affair # 3 started (although to this day he denies there was ever Affair #3)... So that's my story.. but UKredhead19 remember one thing everyone's stories are different but the pain is the same.... I took STBX back after his first affair - we went for counseling, but truthfully I never got past it, I always snooped, I lived a terrible existence, I had two full time jobs - 1. "real job" and the second one was playing detective. My days were consumed with checking his emails, waiting for him to shower so i could check his cell, it was all consuming... if you are going to work on your marriage with your husband you need to make a commitment to work together... (he obviously needs to work hard) - but my problem is I never was going to get past it - I shouldn't left after A #1 - (but i have no regrets b/c of my beautiful baby boy).. but there are many success stories here!!! and I say success can be viewed both ways - success in people moving forward like me, or success in people rebuilding.. whichever you choose is yours to make and nobody else s... just remember a life with a cheater is a HARD life -- there is something broken with these cheaters... continue to post, ask any questions, we / me - are here to help.. my separation date was Sept 14 - and today is a much better day then Sept 14th... good luck.. xo nicole
I am so so sorry that you are going through this, but this is a great place to share your pain, ask questions, ask for advise. I have only just found this site last week and already it has given me sense of balance.
We have all been there - most of us are still there - and the last post (recentlyengaged) is so right, counseling is the way to go. If you are like any one of us here there are so many thoughts and emotions going on right now you don't know where to start.
We all feel or have felt lost, alone and hurt. Most of us don't know where this journey will take us, but hold on to the old saying - "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" If you are a religious person then pray and find solace in your beliefs. I am not over religious - but have a church that until three years ago we attended regularly, I stopped by there today to make an appointment with our clergy - why - I don't know how to start to believe and forgive.
You need to take care of yourself and your wonderful gift of a son. Take care
For one thing, this 'love' he is talking about is an impulse. He acted on an impulse, sexual attraction, it's not love. Does he want to just leave his marriage and destroy this baby's life or does he want to work it out and make the marriage better ? I would ask him this.
I would say don't leave him yet. Really work on it a while and see where it goes. If you leave or go anywhere that gives the ow an in. She wants him. She's working hard to get him. You work hard to save the marriage.
You need to get the ow out. Does he work with her? One thing you can do right now while he may be in a conforming mode is, ask him if the phones can be changed, change the computers so you are the administrator. He has to stop contact with her.
Tell him things like, you will be there for him to help him to rebuild. That you love him and want to save the marriage. That you know what he did is disgusting, to do this to you in YOUR time of need(pregnancy), but that you will help him. and you will try too. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. My prayers are for you.
Love 
