Betrayed Spouses Support

First of all "I am throwing the past in his face" is code from him for "GET OVER IT!"

Yeah, I'm over a year into this and I'm not going to GET OVER IT. But if you want your marriage to work, you will have to stop throwing the affair in his face. I think there is a balance that can be had between allowing the marriage to move forward and addressing what happened and why. This is where therapy and planning come into play.

What my spouse and I had to do was set up a appointments to talk about the affair. For example Sunday morning we are going for a ride in the car. We pick up Starbucks on the way and we are going to sit in the car and you will try and answer my questions as honestly as you can, and I will try and listen and do my best to understand and not judge the best I can.

Between now and then we will do our best to make nice.

The other thing that went well was to write my spouse a letter detailing what I wanted to know and what I wanted to say and hand it to her as we drove from Starbucks to our "talking area." It was really nice the few times she wrote me something as well. These conversations where the calmest as she would understand what direction I was going before I even opened my mouth.

Personally I define "throwing it in your face" as the thing you say to your spouse at the spur of the moment or if it is used as a weapon. Sort of like if he's talking about something that bothers him and as a defense mechanism you say. "Yeah, well you had an affair!" That takes away his ability to express himself honestly about his issues. But that does not mean that you shouldn't ever talk about the affair. To not talk about the A, is unhealthy.

Thomas

Sample letter to spouse:

Dear wifey

When you told me about meeting C at the coffee place you first said that you talked between your cars before leaving as they warmed up, later you revised that narrative to say that you kissed him. Now I’ve heard you say that you were in one of the vehicles. This narrative keeps evolving after I keep asking “is there anything else," and you reply "no!." You said that you did not have intercourse with THIS man and yet you keep failing to tell me the truth about what happened. I don’t see how I can believe you when this story continues to evolve.

Every time I figure out something new about the men. It’s like sticking a knife in me. It devastates me. And I can’t stop obsessing about it because I don’t know the whole story. This whole thing is destroying me physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

I want to be over all this. Would you please tell me what really happened so we can be over this, I won’t be stabbed anymore and we can eventually find a way to put it past us.

I have strong feelings toward you. I’m trying to understand all this. I want desperately to forgive you and pull out lives together.

(As we normally say to each other now.) “I love you and we are going to work this out!”

Thomas

Hi 'honey',

Sorry you find yourself in this spot...  it's like he!! on earth.  

I cannot speak for everyone, but I find a common thread for many of us is that our WS's used this tactic, for a time, to TRY to stop 'having to deal with' the consequences of the A. 

It makes sense... as in, affairs ARE an avoidance thing.  People have A's to avoid facing their own shortcomings and problems.  To try to 'feel better' about life, and their own self, without really facing, working on, or changing the 'hard' things.

Of course, those same people are going to want to rush through, or side-step, or duck having to actually --> shoulder the responsibility, work to fix things, and DO what needs to be done.

I think they are pretty cowardly, weak, and scared; deep down.  *sigh*

That said...  it seems that ALL the spouses that MAKE IT, have hit an Ah-Ha moment at some point, where they 'get it'...    Where they understand that, 'Wow! -Did I f*ck up.'  And, that they absolutely, positively HAVE TO be willing to DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to fix things, and win BS back, and make amends. - THAT is the ONLY way things truly get BETTER.   That moment is pretty necessary to the progress that you want to make.  And, once they 'get' that, they usually stop saying/hinting 'aren't you done with this, yet?'... because they respect the fact that, NO, you're not.

So, don't settle, now.  Don't slap that happy face on, if that's not how you feel.  Don't rush through the process.  No matter what WS's say, settling at this point, seems to be a recipe for being BACK here, in a year or two... because the big, underlying 'Causes', never got figured out, or dealt with.

Don't doubt, or be slowed, or swayed by WS's VIEWPOINT.  He has proven that HIS viewpoint is pretty f*cked up.  Trust your own self.  Trust your own feelings, and go by what YOU feel you need.  You have a better grasp on reality than he does.  And his self-serving ways are not in the M's best interest.... same as they threw a 'wench' into your life. (haha)

So, I don't view what I needed to do, as 'throwing the A in H's face'.  He threw it into MY LIFE.    And, he wouldn't even look at it long enough, or see it clearly enough, to make an intelligent, educated choice. 

So, I need to HOLD IT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE WHILE HE OPENS HIS EYES, AND FORCES HIMSELF TO LOOK AT IT, AND FIGURES OUT WHAT THAT WAS ALL ABOUT, AND FIXES WHATEVER MADE HIM CHOOSE THAT, AND GETS HIS ACT TOGETHER.

It's that, or 'shove it down his throat so he can choke on it.'... but, rebuilding IS our goal...  : )

Frankly, I don't think ANY marriage can 'make it' without the WS really taking this head-on... and most of them... that's not their 'MO'.  So, they won't, if they don't 'have to'.

If they'd do it, willingly, on their own....  we wouldn't have to push for it.   He!!, we wouldn't even be in this spot.

-my opinions...  -ties