Betrayed Spouses Support

who says it can not be brought up in the future?

this is not going to simply go away. it is going to take time and a great deal of work on his part. he needs to get that.

i am not saying that you could never be happy with him, but if you think there is a magic bullet that is going to make this go away - well, there is no such bullet.

he had done this, he has betrayed you, he has shared with a third party what you thought was yours, it was special to you, almost spiritual - he had no right to cheapen it.

maybe you should tell him about this site, ask him to read some of the posts, possibly that could open up his heart and mind to the truth about betrayal. also, research some men sites, look up articles they have done on the aftermath of affairs, print them out, ask him to read them.

this is still fresh in your life, the discovery of the betrayal that is, you need to mourn, take the time you need to adjust to katrina like devastation. i am wondering how he would have reacted if it would have been you who cheated. would he have simply said "oh, you are sorry - hey, don't worry about it, no harm, no foul"! I THINK NOT. something tells me he would be a raving maniac.

read as many articles on this site as you can. it helps to share with others who are going thru the same thing you are, or who have been there.

I am sorry you find yourself here. I can barely remember day 19 - it's been 2 years now for me. I just know I was in so much shock. I really don't know how I went to work and kept the house running and the kids in school, etc. Just hang in there and take it a little at a time.

As far as there being a point where you never bring it up again, I don't know where you got that from. With time, it should come up less and less, but I don't think that there's a point where you should not be allowed to bring it up. I do agree that you should not be allowed to throw it in his face or to use it as a weapon, but to bring it up for a relevant reason I think should always be an option. Just as he can never undo what he has done, you can never un-know what you now know.

Denial is a strong defense mechanism and I think is often used by the WS to protect themselves from the full impact of the shame caused by their actions. Again, give it time and hopefully you will see some of the denial go away.

Of course, if the denial is being used by him to continue cheating behaviors, that's a whole nother story. But it sounds like you were talking about the first case, so I'll leave it at that.

I wish you the best. Keep us posted.

I'm glad that you have found this site. It has been such a tremendous help to me. I have told my H about it, and he has browsed some of the posts and has a better understanding of the enormity of what he had done.

There is no rulebook to follow on how to deal with the A, neither for the party doing the harm nor those of us who are on the receiving end. You can only go with what is right for you. What your heart and soul command.

Should you never talk about it again? I don't think so, this is not something to sweep under the rug and pretend it did not happen.

Should it come up in a moment of anger or disappointment - no,not really, but if that moment is one were you think it may be happening again maybe, or one or both of you are slipping into old patterns, YES. At times I draw the strength I need to go on from reading the past messages I have posted or read. Sometimes I think that we are not moving forward but reading my past post tells me yes I have and sometimes ops I'm moving backward, and need to re-set, or yes we are moving along just fine, a little slow, but remember the old childrens' story of the turtle that beat the rabbit. Sometime the success comes to those who move at a slow and steady pace. We didn't get here overnight, and we will not fix this overnight. Have patience.

I have been doing tons of research both on-line, at the library and bookstores. And in all, most confirm the person having the A did not wake up one day and say I want to hurt my spouse I think that I will have an A. It happened, the circumstances were ripe and they made that choice, by themselves alone. Was it wrong? Yes! Were you to blame? No. Things happened in your marriage that need TLC and one or neither of you reconized but the he chose to take the easy way out.
Most are sorry - but almost all do not feel the strong deep emotions that we carry day to day for the rest of our lives. It was a moment of bad decision for them. They feel guilt and some pain but seem to simply not be able to understand the depth of the betrayal. Once it is out in the open they are almost relieved they seek forgives, don't understand when it is not forthcoming immediately, and some view it no differently than if they were caught with say a DUI, no big deal. I really love my wife/husband but lost my way, my GPS was on the blink, I'll pay the dues but I'm back and on the right track so what is the problem. But Does that make them a bad person? I'm not sure. Maybe there is and always has been something vital missing in their basic DNA, that the victims have but the culprit is lacking.

What ever the reason - hang in there. Right now you are like the needle on a pendulum, one day swinging left and the next day or minute swinging right. Then all of a sudden you will say Yes, this person is the one I want to spend the rest of my days with, or No it is over, every ounce of love and affection I felt for my H is gone and I want out. How long, who knows, if you have read any of the posts on this site many have been working at this for years. But that gives us hope, they are still together. This pain will not go away, it will lessen and become gray and faded with time. But to allow yourself to "put it behind and never think or speak of it again" just might put you in the position to allow it to happen again. We all had the signs, we all have made our mistakes, but WE have been the strongest, WE have or will have the tenacity to take this pain, misery and suffering and build it into something worthwhile. We will carry the grief of the betrayal of the A as a parent carries the grief of the loss of a child, but WE WILL GO ON! With or without them and be strong.

So keep visiting this site, keep reading our posts, sometimes issues that others post about some of the same issues that you yourself are experiencing but are unable to vocalize, have not thought of or even had the ability to acknowledge in your pain and grief and in the process of reading these you may have an AH HA moment and helps you to move in a direction you would not have even considered. Also keep posting your feelings, it is good to share both the highest and lowest of your feelings.

I wish you the best, I'm sorry your here. There are some many wonderful, strong, intelligent people at your fingertips now to help you, or just listen.