Well hello everyone. I am hoping that I can provide some insight that might perhaps help some of you. Affairs, yes, the big hurt, I would call them, the ultimate betrayal. I always wondered what was wrong with just being honest, and taking what came with that. I guess that would be too easy huh. I was 53 years old when I found out what my husband had been doing for well almost as many years as we had been married. It was not an experience really, it was a journey that took me down roads I never even heard of, never knew existed, and the learning experience truely changed my life as I knew it.
Okay lets's get to the crust of things. If I could save just one of you from having to go through all the steps that get you to the healing process, then any time I spend posting here will be well worth my time. Please look for my response to one of the gals I wrote last night. First I wrote songs about my feelings of what he did to me. They were sad songs, some were good, but very sad. Then I got it. I started writing about myself and began to heal. These were happey songs.
Oh yes, if your ready for a quick smile look for post with the bit of revenge in it, about the meat loaf with the jalapeno peppers. It didn't work, I should have used stronger ones. I should regret that vengeful moment, but I would be lying if I said I did.
Okay, lets start with some facts.
1. Most likely you have nothing to do with the reason he or she cheats.
2. No wonderful meals, unlimited sex, and waiting on them hand and foot will not change why they did what they did. It could warp their thinking even further, thinking there is actually great rewards for bad behavior.
3. You must learn to separate things in your mind, so you can survive this. I know that sounds full of drama, but I can remember feeling like I was on a free fall and couldn't stop falling. Then I ended up in the ER, dehydrated and wheezing. I came out of the hospital the next morning, changed forever. Separate things according to whose problem it really is. He is cheating, well that stems from his problems not yours. It's kind of like handing out things and separating them. This is your problem, this is your problem, this is my problem. You will find your pile of problems are so small they are quite managable.
4. Forget about telling the stupid other women, she is as bad as he is, and she is not worth your time. And really she is not the problem he is.
5.FOCUS ON YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!! This is a time for great self discovery. What do I like to do? What do I like to watch on TV? Women have this tendency to "try to make hubby happy". I think that is an old wives tale handed down from many generations back. The truth is happiness for all of us comes from within. Once we find that we can then share it with someone else. So this is one of the roads that was so unfamilair for me. Also remember this and it is so important that I will write it in capitals. YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE ELSE. THERE IS ONLY ONE PERSON THAT YOU CAN CHANGE, AND THAT IS YOURSELF. This is so true, yet all of us probably have spent many hours, days, months, years trying to change someone else. We can change how we react to someone else's bad behavior, we can change how if affects us, but the only one's behavior we can change is our own.
6. You will find that when you do start focusing on yourself, then your jerk spouse might first call you crazy. Dont' let that bother you, just look at him and tell him, perhaps but you drove me there, now step aside your interrupting what I am trying to do. I don't know call it selfish lessons. Keep being the good Mom, but leave a whole lot of time for yourself. Yes, even if it means that Mr. Wonderful might have to do some of his own laundry. I personally would not touch my husband laundry for a long time after I found out, and a long time after he never did anything again. I had a small hang up there about cleanliness. You know maybe something of that womens was on his clothes. Like I said in one of the posts to one of the other ladies, (if you can find it). They find they pay in ways they never even thought of, or that you never even thought of. And the payments can happen at any time. If people just knew that before they actually did have an affair, I truely believe there would be less of them.
7. When you start focusing on yourself, then whether he stays or leaves you will already have begun the healing process for yourself. And you will be building a life, and we all deserve one.
8. A closing note, remember that even if you are married fifty years, your spouse should not define you, you should define yourself. It all goes back to finding that peace, happiness and tranquility within yourself. Of course once you have taken that journey, you will be selective of who you share that with. Because it is special and sharing something so great should not be taken lightly. Just try to think of it like this. If you died tomorrow, would you want people to remember you as, yes, a good women, her husband's slave, a women who gave her life completly away to her children. Would you want to be remembered as someone who was nothing in herself. If your husband and children disappeared tomorrow, who would you be. Perhaps that is one of the things that you learn through this journey. Perhaps if you believe, someone greater then you and I, then perhaps that greater power has felt we needed to take this journey.
I can answer those questions now that I couldn't before. I am a lady who plays the guitar and mandalin. A lady who writes songs, and a lady who works her greenhouse growing flowers and vegetables with a smile on my face. I am more then my signature line of just Greg's wife and Rick and Rob's Mom and Sweet Anthony's Grandma. I am Susan and I want life to remember me that way. So if you are on that free fall that I was talking about, perhaps you will stop falling and define yourself, and start living.
Find things you like to do. Do not be eaten up with fears of being alone, and scared. FOCUS ON YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope that I have helped.
Susan
Wife of Greg, Mom to Rick and Rob
Grandma to Sweet Anthony
http://amazingcouponanddiscountdeals.blogspot.com
Former Smoker, Nicotine Addict
Love 
