Betrayed Spouses Support

Several weeks ago a therapist friend told me that a patient was seeing her because she’s having an A.  “She doesn’t want to work on her M or figure out why she’s having an A, she wants me to relieve her of her guilt!  She wants me to tell her why it’s ok for her to deceive her H!  I can’t do that!”  My friend is an esteemed professional who has been a therapist for 20 years.

Today a doctor friend told me that a well-established patient came in for an IUD because she’s having an A.  My friend has delivered the last two of her three children, and knows and is quite fond of the patient’s H (“He’s such a great guy!”).  She did her best to counsel her patient on the “realities” of As, suggested condoms instead of an IUD (for fear of the patient’s H’s exposure to whatever STDs the AP may have) and offered names and numbers of therapists the patient could consult with should she choose to seek professional mental help, but the patient was adamant that she didn’t need “input,” she just wanted the IUD.  (“She was like a different person, and I’ve known her for ten years!”)

Both patients chose to pay cash instead of having their appointments run through their insurance, for fear of their Hs learning of their appointments and asking questions.

Because my friends have both seen me through the trauma of my H’s A, they are god-smacked with the “complicity” their professional positions put them in, and are suffering guilt from the same.  One (the therapist) is struggling with her professional ethics and is considering referring her patient on to another therapist because of it.  The other (the doctor) can’t sleep at night because she can’t stand the thought of what the “good guy” and their children will go through when her patient's A comes to light, and hates that she can’t forewarn the H.

It makes me realize, anew, just how many people are hurt by As.  It’s not just the spouse, or the family, or the friends, it’s just about everyone who knows or will ever find out.

I can’t imagine what it takes to make a person put so many people through so much because of their own selfishness, greed, and/or misguided issues.  It almost/just about/nearly makes me feel sorry for them.

JD

The hard part of what you say, feeling sorry for the betrayer, is that they DO have problems. And that is the problem for my personal rebuilding. I have come to this realization that my husband was 'sick'.   And I always  fear it returning, although I have no reason to.... now.  It 's a scary place to be.   

Yeah, affairs hurt so many people, yet time and again, we see here BS's dealing with WS's who either expect their partner to 'get over it ' quicker or say, 'I didn't think it would have these consequences'.  There is so much pain.  The reason they say this is their thinking, which is plain selfish.  Once again,  dwelling on themselves, what they want, what will make them feel good, making no effort to make their marriage better, havinv no concept that the person they are married to is a living breathing human being.  They are just consumed with themselves.  

These professionals you know have ethics. Not all professionals have ethics or think like we do. The reason I am so bent on discovering the principles of the thrapist we go to for help is, some in an attempt to 'get to the bottom' of the problems that led the individual to an A,  will caste blame at the Betrayed Spouse and can make sessions uncomfortable. This does happen sometimes. So, I just think it is a good idea to assess a therapist, know what their values and principles are concerning our problem, before chosing one.   I'm glad the professionals you know are so moral. Maybe, becasue YOU are a moral and upright person that is the kind of people you attract as friends!    

JD

I'm really sorry about this. It's like a disease isn't it.

My spouse said something interesting. She said that she stopped hanging out with our good friends because the wouldn't "understand" her affair so she began hanging out with other women who were also having affairs. They would giggle and share secrets about how to hide the affair.

When our two oldest kids were involved in a school tragedy recently. It was our good friends who called to see if our kids were ok. Not her affair friends. And if folks know us they know about our obsession with our kids school program. It was sort of yet another eye opener for her. Her little sister who is being betrayed right now is the other one. She thought her little sister was so lucky to have a husband who would go swinging with her. Now her husband is now with another woman and little sister is just so devastated. She thought little sister was so modern and so bullet proof. NOPE! Betrayal is betrayal and it's brutal. Doesn't matter who you are.