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Betrayed Spouses Support

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discussion title:
 

past affair just discovered now what?

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message #:
  47965.1
replies:
  4
from:
  mikey0406
date:
  Nov-6 4:53 pm

Until tuesday night I knew only that my H and I were in such a great place, really happy with our family, house and some interesting work prospects that are on the near horizon. I actually have far too many close friends going thru D now and we were recently saying how sad it all was. 1 of friends going thru divorce asked for a referral of a lawyer. My H is a lawyer so he asked and got info for her but forgot to fwd email to me. He was on a trip but had left his email open at home so I did a quick search for "divorce" to get the name, but instead found an email from 1 1/2 ago btw him & OW. From there I found a dozen emails btw them over a few weeks. He met her at a conference. She lives in another state but I know he was out that way 2 months after they met and saw her.
He admitted to the A. Said he thought of it more like "phone sex" and not an A but after talking to me sees that it was. He says they never were physical just phone and email but that he did see her the second time and ended it then. He had talked to her on a prof level since but not often and not recently.
I don't know what to do. He says he is willing to do anything. Whatever i want or need. But I don't know what I want or need.
It was a past A that I inadvertently discovered. Things were amazing two minutes prior to discovery but now I am lost.
I don't want to tell my family but I am really close with them and I don't want them to hate him if I decide to stay.
Right now he sleeping on the couch and at work all day. We talk about it a little each night, but I don't know that I believe his version of what happened. We have a mtg set on Monday lunch with a C. but have a long weekend ahead. We have a 3 yr old who asked where his daddy was this morning when he came in my room, and an 8th month old (the A pretty much happened the day I took the test) but is was a baby we were trying for.
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discussion title:
 

past affair just discovered now what?

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message #:
  47965.2 in response to 47965.1
replies:
  4
from:
  lovemydog2500
to:
  mikey0406
date:
  Nov-9 12:47 pm

It's good that your H realizes the depth of his betrayal - doesn't make any difference whether or not they were physical, an emotional A is just as painful.  He needs to end all non-professional contact with the OW and limit professional contact as much as possible.  Therapy is a good idea - how did your first session go? Your H needs to figure out why he made such poor decisions and how he can prevent it from happening again.  There's also a good book - Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass - which you both should read.  I also wonder why your H kept these emails?  It seems like he wanted to keep a connection with the OW is some way.  Lily
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discussion title:
 

past affair just discovered now what?

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message #:
  47965.3 in response to 47965.1
replies:
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from:
  sandyj2007
to:
  mikey0406
date:
  Nov-9 12:59 pm

He admitted to it so maybe it was just a passing thing for him.  I know that dont make you feel better but has anything else came up to make you think it is still going on?

As stupid as this sounds, my H was just curious. He said his thoughts had nothing at all to do with me. I found stuff alittle by little but nothing that would link him to any one person. When I confronted him ( I finally had concrete proof)- he denied it and would have FOREVER. I called him out on it- much like you did. He admitted it and we did get past it. It took a long time.

We are now in our 40's and I would never EVER lower myself to feel that I have to check his EVERYTHING AND WHEREABOUTS ver again. If it gets that far- I will be gone.

How are you feeling about things today?
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discussion title:
 

past affair just discovered now what?

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message #:
  47965.4 in response to 47965.1
replies:
  4
from:
  myradorn
to:
  mikey0406
date:
  Nov-9 1:59 pm

It's appropriate for him to sleep on the couch, this has to be tough to get your arms around.  I think some could let it go easier if it was in the past, but for many of us that wouldn't matter.  What do you mean when you say he "saw her a second time"?  He must see this doesn't sound good, it feels like he isn't telling you everything.  I think you need a counselor's input on this for sure, I see red flags all over. 

 

***Happiness is wanting what you have.***
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