Betrayed Spouses Support

I just discovered my husband has been having an emotional affair with an old high school classmate for the past 49 days.  (They are both in their late 30s, and both are married).  I happened to find an email in our sent folder that addressed her as "beautiful" and that he would "see her for lunch tomorrow."  This was Monday afternoon, their secret lunch was Tuesday.  I asked him Tuesday when he came home what he had had for lunch, and he answered, never telling me about his "friend" who had accompanied him.  I then asked if he ate with anyone, he said yes, then mentioned her name(Brenda).  My husband has always had female friends, and I have always trusted him, because I knew them and he has never given me a reason to distrust him.  He has always been a devoted husband & father to our family.  But after Tuesday, things seemed to crumble.  I told him I was NOT happy with the fact he did not tell me he was having lunch with this person, and the next day, he apparently called her from his office and then she called our home and my cell phone (he had given her MY phone numbers) so she could "explain" that their friendship was innocent and platonic.  To make a long story short, my husband came clean after I found a few more things and told me everything.

He told me how she had come onto him by complimenting him, how he did nothing to prevent it from escalating.  He told me how she bought him an ipod for his birthday, and he had given her a top.  He told me how He told me about some of their conversations, including sharing stories from High school, and the types of people they thought they would end up marrying, and she responded that she fit his "mold" perfectly.   He told me he knew all along this was wrong, and how he thought he was in control, and never realized this was as big as it had actually become.  He insists that nothing ever physical happened between them, because in his mind that meant he never crossed the line.  We had a huge argument Thursday night, and he was at first cruel to me, listing every way I had failed him as a wife, and I asked him if he loved her and he told me no.  I told him it had to stop then.  I told him I would either call or email her, and since it was late, I sent her an email to advise it was over, she was no longer to contact my husband, and I prayed that her husband had no knowledge of her behavior. 

After I sent the email, he broke down and apologized to me, and began the 2 hour long process of telling me EVERYTHING, including how he was so ashamed and shocked to find himself in this position.  He told me he would leave if I wanted him to, but that he did not want that.  He has never done anything like this before, and i want to believe him, but he knows we have a long road ahead if I am to trust him completely again.  He brought up wanting to let her husband know, and I told him no--his contact with anything pertaining to her has stopped.  I took his cell phone & Blackberry to work with me Friday, and she sent him 1 email stating she did not appreciate me questioning her character, and he said she was in denial because of everything she had told him.  There has been no other correspondence since then.  I did discover that during this time, he had sent 376 text messages, and this does not include phone calls, emails, and the 8 times they met for lunch or to jog together.  He was shocked at the amount of messages, he said he never realized it was this deep.

HOW do we heal, and where do we begin?  We have 2 small children, including a 3 month old baby.  I am shattered, and tired of crying, and trying to sift through the myriad of emotions that have been dumped in my lap, through no fault of my own.  I love my husband and want this to work, and he has promised me that he knows I will nto trust him for a long time, but he is willing to do everything in his power to prove to me that he wants to be with me, because he loves me.  He does not know what got into him, he said that he did not know what happened or who he had become.  Any advice would be appreciated.  I just want this to be over, and for our marriage to heal so that both of us can be happy again.

Firstly you have found a safe place - we are here for you!! We all know exactly what you are feeling - we have all been where you are - even though our stories are all different the pain is all the same... Take a deep breath; you will be stronger from this experience
- I promise no matter what road you take you will be OK!!
Firstly, you are in the very beginning of this process, it is normal and healthy to cry. Your world as you have know it has just changed!! and for that I am soooo sorry. Your H has betrayed you in the worst way....because you confronted him - beware that it takes some time before EVERYTHING comes out - yes he told you about the emails, texts, but be weary - it took my STBX 9 months before I found out the whole truth...good for you for confronting the OW!!
I am glad to hear that your H is sorry, but is he sorry he got caught or sorry that he destroyed your world!
is he willing to go for counselling to find out why he allowed himself to betray you and your family.. He needs to be held accountable for what he has done... he needs to be an open book, he needs to share his passwords with you, no more secrets, no more contact at all with her - EVER!! There should only be the two of you and your two children in your world.
Some others on here will recommend some great books for you!!

Some advice that i have always thought imperative that i read years ago - was get an exit plan! just in case!!
MY STBX was a serial cheater - i finally was done after he cheated while i was 8 months pregnant - I left when the little one was 8 WEEKS old.. I know how difficult this is with a baby, I am so sorry that he is robbing this glorious time in your life.. I was crying all the time, holding a newborn - its isnt fair or healthy - let him know that YOU are his number one, you are the woman he should be jogging with, taking to lunch, and buying a new top for!!

Number one take care of yourself!! Shower everyday, (sounds silly - but you need to make sure you are healthy to care for your kids - b/c your kids need you!!)...eat, sleep when you can, make plans with friends or other mothers, keep busy!!! but remember trust your gut - if something doesn't feel right, it usually isnt!!!
Good luck,keep posting.. we are here for you!! xo Nicole

i am so sorry you have to go through this now especially with a young child. My stbx also had an emotional affair that was "innocent", they were "just friends" as he stated some one who would listen to him. Well, he still hasn't and won't take responsibility for this affair. He does not think an emotional affair is cheating..he also thinks he did not cross the line. As the previous poster be weary of what u know...he has broken that trust with you. My stbx send tons of messages and e-mails, etc. I still do nt know what he really ended up doing with this OW. This is my second time being duped and I decided I could take it anymore. My stbx also had an emotional affair about 5 yrs ago after our 1st child was born, we separated for 9 months and went to counseling and worked on things and they seemed to be going well. Well, I got unexpectedly pregnant and things started to unravel about 4 months later... now I am also with a small child a 2 month old and a 5yr old and am in the process of divorcing. you need to do what is right for you and your children. If he is willing to accept the fault on this that is a start and definitely counseling is a very good thing. What made him go outside of the marriage to get this "affection" he needed?? there are many tough questions that need to be answered and it will be a long road to recovery, but what ever road you decide is what is right for you.

Good luck...if you need to vent or chat..I have found this board to be very helpful!!

please know that my words are NOT meant to hurt you.

i do not believe that they were never physical, all of the texts messages, the gifts, the lunches. based on every post i have read on this site for the past almost 4 years, and my own situation it just does not add up.

you love your husband and that is evident, however the possibility that you can forgive, forget and pick up where you left off is not possible. your marriage has been hit by its own katrina, the foundation you once had is gone. you, hte 2 of you will need to rebuild a new foundation. a foundation built on love, respect, dignity, truth, laughter, trust, - i believe it can be done.

your husband must know within the depths of his soul that this is not a get out of jail free card. i was so wanting to move on from my husbands first affair that i simply accepted the i am so sorry, don't know what happened, it was all her, yadda yadda yadda nonsense. no consequences, none. no answers, to solving the real issues so in time he did it again, and then again, and again, and again.

i would recommend that you both seek counseling, you need to ask yourself the question - is he for real? or do i want him to be for real so bad that i will believe anything.

many tough questions, i know.

do you take care of you? that is something so many of us women tend to loose sight of. it is all about everyone else, the husband, the kids, the house, the groceries, you know the story we loose the young woman we use to be. it is who and what we are. but i will tell you it takes its toll. you MUST love you first, do you know why? because you will never hurt you the way you have been hurt.

empathy - does your husband have empathy? does he get it? does he know, can he imagine how he wold have felt if you would have been mesmorized by another man? HE NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS TO TRULY UNDERSTAND.

women friends - ah that would be a no. HE IS MARRIED. do you have lunch with men friends? do you have men friends? you gave him that freedom, and he betrayed your trust - so if he balks when you tell him no female friends - that is a deal breaker.

open access, he must become like an open book. cell phone access, computer access. i would recommend that you install a key logger on the computer. in the words of ronald raegan TRUST BY VERIFY. i would not tell him it is on there. those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing - in the words of the bald guy on CBS, dr. phil. it is going to take time for you to trust him again, does he understand that?

do you remember the young woman you were when you first married. so full of life, hope, happiness. well you deserve to be filled with those emotions once again. you are special, you deserve the best - remember that, demand that.

please give yourself some time to adjust to what you are dealing with. the pain is very painful i know. i have been where you are. and i know how it feels. i know the sick feeling of wondering 'what the hell happened to my life? wanting it to just go away', i have been there. i did everything wrong, because i just wanted it to go away - it does not go away.

it is important that you read as many posts as possible, read others stories - while we are very different we are all so much alike.