I haven't posted here in awhile, but I just felt like I needed to tell/write this somewhere (and these boards have always been a great comfort).
I am FREEEEEEEE! Free, I tell you!
See, about a year and a half ago, I went through this horrible awful soul-shattering break up with the guy I thought was the love of my life. We lived together, talked about getting married, the whole nine yards. And then he up and left without warning and started dating a new girl right away. Like a week later. (from what I hear, they're still together.) He denied me of any sort of closure or explanation, it was just POOF! gone. And he was such a jerk to me in the breakup process (I guess they all are, but this guy takes the cake. Literally an emotionless robot.)
Anyway, things got more complicated at the one year mark when he texted me to tell me his brother had been killed in a car accident and it was horrible and i got kind of thrown back into thinking about him again. But nothing much came from that, and I continued to move on with my life. But then he kept contacting me (via email or text) every few months, coming up with stupid excuses as to why. I even wrote him a very long email back, kind of giving him my 'final parting words' and telling him that I don't really have any interest in being part of his life. Then, a few months later, out of the blue, he tells me he's moving to another state and thought it would be nice to see me before he left.
I stupidly agreed, thinking "Maybe this will be okay, be some sort of closure. Plus, it will feel good to show him how great I'm doing." I know, i know, i know---RIDICULOUS. I thought I wanted to see what he had to say. Maybe sorry? My guess is that he probably might feel a little guilty for the horrible way he treated me, and wanted to meet with me and see that I'm okay and get off the hook and feel better about himself. Or else he just wanted to brag about how good his life is now. God knows what he wanted.
Anyway, so he first asked me to meet an entire month ago, and we had been trying to coordinate a time to meet up (mostly me having to text him repeatedly and him being like "i'll let you know" and then never letting me know) and things kept falling through and he kept pushing it back, much to my increasing frustration. I mean, dude, pick a day and time, not that hard. I honestly thought it would happen, that he really did have something he wanted to say to me, and would treat me with an ounce of respect. And then today I get a text saying that he has so much to do before he moves, and that he doesn't have time to 'catch up', but that maybe when he comes back to town sometime we'll have a chance. I was so utterly pissed off that he would contact me after so long (and after such a horrible breakup) to meet up, and then string me along for a month and then pretty much blow me off. Okay, I get it, you're busy, blah blah blah, but come on now, a month is PLENTY of time to figure out a meet-up. I think that he just kept putting it off until the last minute, because he's a coward like that, and when push came to shove, he didn't have time and/or didn't really want to. And that was frustrating on so many levels, most important being that HE contacted ME, and I was nice enough (or stupid enough? haha) to agree to see him, and was very cordial, friendly, and accommodating to his schedule to boot.
I was going to write a text back, or an email, but I know from painful experience he always ignores those, and I just felt like I really needed to call him out on his crap, and not be a high schooler and do it over text messaging. So I did. I called him and told him that what he did was immature and inconsiderate of my feelings. He was all "no, I mean, I really did want to see you, I just...." words trailing off, he started to get defensive. But not once did he say "sorry." NOT ONCE. I didn't go into hysterics or cry or act whiny, I just very simply said that I didn't have time to deal with crap like that, and that a month is plenty of time to make plans, and that if he was at all genuine about wanting to meet, he would have made time. He was like "You're reading way too much into this, I'm just busy." And for a second, I thought "Maybe I am?" But NO. You can't just call your ex after a year and a half and ask to meet them, then totally flake out and pretend as if it's a hassle to fit them into your schedule, make them hunt you down to set up a meeting time, and then end up totally blowing them off. I don't care if he didn't do it on purpose. When you are an adult and you make a commitment, you honor it, even if it's hard or you don't want to do it. DEAL WITH IT.
So incredibly self-centered. He was always like that, and now I can see that not much has changed. So I told him that I honestly just didn't care anymore about his life or his drama or vague attempts at keeping in contact, and that every time he contacted me, it just felt bad, and I didn't want any part of it, thank you very much. He said about two words, and tried to rush me off the phone by snipping "well, I'm gonna go now." and I just said "Good luck with you move." CLICK.
I felt weird after I hung up, knowing that that very well could be the last time we talk. No chance of running into him, he's moving 6 states away. Very low probability that he will ever call or contact me again after that phone call. haha. Part of me thought "Did I overreact? Should I have agreed to meet with him next time he was in town?" But no, I didn't. I did what I should have done so long ago- refuse to let him control my feelings and emotions. Not let him walk all over me because I was afraid to burn that bridge. Seeing him would have been AWFUL. I am happy, I love my life, and I don't miss my ex. I miss being in love, but I don't necessarily miss him, you know? But still, it's completely different when you see them and they're sitting across the table telling you all about their great life that you're not a part of. Ew. I don't want to hear that, I don't need to hear that. That's going backwards, and I'm only interested in moving forward.
So goodbye, awful ex-boyfriend! Good riddance! I am free of you! Do not contact me ever again, because I DO NOT CARE. I do not care about your life, or your family, or your new girlfriend, or your moving to a new state, or your career. I am 100% free of any strings tied to you, and I am going to keep it that way for the rest of my life. You suck, and you were a horrible boyfriend to me. And somehow you STILL manage to be a complete jerk a year and a half later. Way to go, champ! I am not letting you impact my life anymore. You are not my friend, you never will be, you straight up don't deserve it. I have worked hard the past year to surround myself with people who love me and who deserve the amazing friendship and love I have to give in return.
So...this was incredibly rambling and way too detail-specific, but I just wanted to say that I did it!! I cut ties forever and I am not looking back! No more thinking "well, maybe someday...I don't want to completely shut the door..." Consider the door SLAMMED SHUT.
This weekend I am going camping with a giant group of all my good friends and it sort of serves as this symbol about how far I've come. When I was with the ex, we barely did anything with other people. If we wanted to go camping, it would have been just the two of us, because we had no other friends to go with. We were always hanging out at home, or he was having some problem I had to listen to him drone on about. I always felt emotionally drained and uninspired. But now, I've got an amazing group of friends, an insanely fun social life, I'm working on all these cool projects for my career (I'm a graphic designer), I planned a road trip to New Orleans with my best friend in October, I feel more financially independent, and I am just looking so forward to the future and everything that's coming my way!
So, I am just here to say that it DOES get better and there comes a moment when you finally let go, and decide that taking care of YOU is the most important thing.
if you're still reading this, you're a saint.
Love 
