Hi! I found this webpage just today and read a lot of threads here and you seem all so wonderful so I felt that I had to spill my heart a little. Feel free to read my essay..
So, I met this guy for 3 years ago. At the time we were just friends and then that went to more than jsut friends. But he didnt want to have a relationship, so we stayed friends. But we couldnt stay away from eachother.. so we met sometimes and you know talked on the MSN or phone for about one halfyear. So april 2007 he called me one night and said that he couldnt continue to have contact with me cause it was to confusing. He called me in the middle of the night and said that and i was so sad but never heard from him again. We lost all contact. Then about two months later he texted me a random text and our contact began slowly began again. At that time I felt " what the heck, im using him as well " that i was okay with it. My feelings for him were gone in that way. So we had contact and later that year it began to be more serious (met often, talked in another way) so new years eve we got togeheter.
So we were together a little more than a year. At first you know it went okay and he has never been that puppy-love-kind of guy and neither were I. But then summer came and we had this huge fights about him always doing something stupid. He never cheated or anything but sometimes he just dissed me or acted like an idiot. So one night i had enough and this huge fight began and then we talked about it and i was so close to really leave him. Then he begged be to give him one month, he would change, he would fix things, he wanted to prove to me that i was the best thing that ever happen to him. So i did and it turned out really good. We got so close to eachother and his family. ( I fought alot with my family) and we were the puppy love couple that i never could imagine.
But during this year we had about 3 "almost-break-ups" and it was from his side. A fight that result that he said that maybe he wanted to break up, or sometimes he did but I always bwgged him to consider it and think about it for one week. Cause I know how he works, he does these really spontanous stupid things just because it feels like its right thing at the time. Every time he got back to me and said he was the biggest idiot ever and begged me to not leave him. So februari he broke up with me after two days of really worst days of my life. He was so mean and acting really weird and even though he saw that i was crying he just you know sat there. So this time it was really over. I didnt LIVE for like 3 weeks. I have never been hit that hard in my life. I was at the bottom and was really really depressed.
So than after like a month or so we met again and he said that he wanted to try again. He missed me and blabalba. I said that i couldnt turn in one day that he have to prove to me that he really wants it. So we started seeing eachother again and you know sometimes went out and so on. during this period he also had his "breakdowns" like 3 times. One time he started to yell at me in front of all his friend and threw me out of his house on a party. Two tims were when i tried to contact him cause i wanted to asay some things to him and he didnt return or answered my calls/texts for 3 days. And during this peroid I was so scared of being hurt. Therefor if he didnt ansewer my call or text and i KNEW he had seen them i got all crazy, like i just had to get to him so that i wouldnt feel stupid anymore. I just had to you say to him " what are you doing?!?! " and END it so therefor i could call like 10 times and one time i even went to his place and he wouldnt answer the door even when i said " just answer the door, and we can end this right now. I dont want it anymore" But everytime he crawled his way back and got me back. I said a lot of times " if you dont want to try anymore jus tlet me know it, just leave. Its okay. I rather see you being honest that lie to me" but everythime he denied it. So june after a fight he said that this was not worth it anymore. I went to his place we talked and i said, if you feel 100% sure about this. That we will never contact eachother again. then i have to forget and get over you. I have to delete you from my life" And he said" yeah, im sure. " so i just walked out.
LAST month he started to try contact me by writing one time on msn. I didnt answer. Then he called me one night after that his brother had done something really messed up and "didnt know who else to call" Then we started to meet in the clubs, just talked and he always had his game face on " Whatsup? I'm good. All good. " typically i am alright and i dont miss you at all :D " But then one evening wehn we met in the club he did want to speak to me and we went outside and allt this came up. He missed me, he had realised what he had done, how stupid he was, how he regreted to been treating me so bad " And i was really really hard. I was stonecold and said " good for you" " mhm, then its a shame that you threw me away" and i said that i didnt think he could change, ever. He will still treat me like that and i dont ever want that again. And he told me all these thing how he changed and that he could never imagine to treat my liek that again. So we went to his place. But we didnt sleep with eachother, just hug eachother sometimes and talk the whole night. That week he was going to US for semester for a whole month so i said " lets talk after you get home"
When he got home(last week) he texted me the first day. ( i really expected that he would contact me after a week or so cause i know him) And then he called me this friday, and the morning after jus tto see how i was doing, and so on.
One thing you got to know about this is that during the whole 3 years we known eachother it has always been Me who liked him a little more i think. Maybe its beaucse when i was younger and he was older than me i looked up to him. He was so mature than those other guys and so on. But now after three years you could say that i am the mature one of us. He grew up without a father and i know that that has caused a part of how he is now.. and he always have to prove someting for other people. And ive told him so many times that i think its the problem. He always acting not bothered. I dont think ANY of his friend have seen him sad, or talked about his feelings in an honest way. He works ALOT, i think the work is like the only place he knows how to handle. So ive been so many times with him when he cant stand it anymore, all feelings that he has pushed aside catches up and he just cries and cries and i have always been there to wipe his tears no matter how mad i was at him or what he had done to me.
I know, that i am the only one who knows him TRULY. I've seen him on the bottom and the top.
My problem is now that i dont know if its worth it to see eachother anymore. Our plan is to see eachother and see what happens. But sometimes i feel like he is still "whatever" so i called him today and i said that if he could live up to his word then fine but if he cant just walk away cause i never want to feel that way again. And he said that he wantd to see me and all that but it didnt exactly sound like the last time.. so sometimes i think that, its not worth it. I cant fix him. I have been the grwatest girlfriend and friend but i cant fix him. He will always be this way and its just a matter of time until i gets hurt. But on the other hand i cant leave him. I always think that i will regret me and later i will found out that he is doing so good and i will regret it for the rest of my life. Sometimes i think " this is it, this time we well get things good once for all " So now i dont really know what to do, one part of me say i should run for it before its to late, and the other part wants to stay..this is extremly difficult cause we're so like eachother but so different and from the first time we have such an attraction between us. Everytime we see eachother we just want to be close to eachother and talk and jsut hang out. Thats why we could never be jsut friends.
I deleted him from my life this summer. Facebook, msn, phone you name it. IT was hard and i was depressed but thats normal i think. But now we have starting to get it all back again, just yesterday he sent a facebook request and it made me start to think, is it worth it? I am so scared that things will be as before, messed up and leaving me in pieces cause that was the worst thing that i ever been through.
I am grateful for any advice from you. And im sorry that it turned out so long.
Love 
