Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Whether or not you wait very much depends on your age. If you're 25, then you could wait a bit longer....but if you're 30+ then waiting would be a very risky proposition.

There ARE men out there who very much want children. Some will be very ready if the relationship is at that level. And others simply know they want children at some stage in their lives.

As a woman, I recall saying that I didn't want children ever. But that changed when I divorced and then met the right man for me. It's possible that your husband may go on to have children in the future with a different woman.....but believe him when he says he doesn't want them in this marriage.

Welcome to the board luna7412,

I believe there are men out there ready for kids, family and willing to have their wife stay home with the children.

If he never changes his mind, will you be more upset that you stayed?

 

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

 

I completely agree with the two wise women who've already chimed in.  A woman's age IS a factor, whereas it is not for any man with regards to being able to conceive and bear children, so definitely figure that aspect into your decision.  If you are in your early to mid-20's, you may consider giving this a couple of years and in the meantime, focus not on the question of having children, but much more so on the quality of all the other aspects of your marriage.  It may be he does not want to have children with the quality of your marriage the way it is NOW.

It's very smart of you to realize that this kind of situation/decision cannot be forced.  Question:  Did you two not talk about your individual desires to have or not have children before marriage?  I ask because one of the many many many reasons for my divorce at the age of 29 was because before the wedding, he did in fact want to have a child with me, and after we were married, each year it was another reason not to, until finally he said he did not want children at all.  Being that I'm Catholic and divorce is still somewhat of a big no-no, I was relieved when even my priest said that was valid grounds for annulment through the Church, kind of a breach of contract and violation of trust and goodwill.  Those were his words.  So there you go if that's your situation. 

In my case, I remained married for 9 years, and afterwards dated but never did meet anyone that was worthy of being in a long-term serious relationship with-- until recently.  However, only thing is now I'm just about to be 39 and while yes, conceiving and bearing a child IS possible at my age and into 40's, to be honest, the very real concerns about having a healthy first child in later years is a big consideration, and chasing after a toddler when I'm in my 40's and after a teenager in my 50's wasn't really what I had in mind for my life...  So it's very possible and likely probably I may NOT have children, all because of timing, so...  that's yet another consideration.

Unfortunately for us women, our reproductive capabilities do have a shelf-life.  Men don't have to worry about that.

On the flip side, for a while there I was very jaded about ever finding anyone with whom I wanted to have a family with, and pretty much turned myself off the idea of even having kids, ever, and it was at that time that most of the men I met I had to turn down for dating because they most definitely wanted children and in that short period of time, I did not.  Life's funny that way.

Tough choices, good luck figuring out your path.  We'll support you any way we can.

THANK YOU to all who have responded and shared your very personal stories with me. You have all given me a lot to think about. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is not a decision to take lightly, so I appreciate hearing everyone's own path and experience. I believe that for now, it is time to make my marriage as good as I can make it. And whether or not we can make it a good enough one in which to raise kids, that should determine our next steps.

I love this board, and hope to give as much advice as I can to others on ivillage with my own experiences.