Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Welcome to the board terra_bearlove,

Sadly, you have given into a guy that was having his cake and eating it too. He's a liar and a cheater. My guess is when he broke up with you the first time it was because of her and he was already cheating on you. Just a guess, I could be wrong.

Don't you deserve better treatment than this? Aren't you angry with him? If not, you should be. Loving someone doesn't mean they get to take advantage of you, use you, lie to you, cheat on you. You have to have some personal boundaries and respect yourself as well.

I know you are hurting. Grief is a powerful emotion. Even though you love him and are drawn to him, you will have to break yourself from his hold on you, for your own long term sanity. He's not worthy of you. Grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.

Some helpful reading material and links:

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken, by Greg Behrendt

Are You the One for Me? Barbara DeAngelis

Do Not Talk To, Touch, Marry, or Otherwise Fiddle with Frogs, by Nailah Shami

How to Get Over Your Breakup - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=21185.1

Relationship Grieving Process - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22985.1

Zen of Doing Nothing - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=21173.1

HUGS

 

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

 

This could almost be my story...ALMOST.  My ex of 4 years broke up with me via e-mail because he'd been sleeping with his nephew's girlfriend and she wanted him to get rid of me since the nephew left her.  About every six weeks or so, we talk.  He hasn't tried to meet up, but he did tell me that his GF has strictly forbidden him to talk to any female but her...so he devised a way for us to talk by talking while he's at work.  He doesn't want to break up with her, but he does resent the restrictions she's put on him and his way of dealing with it is to sneak.  He did attempt to get another one of his exes to sleep with him, but not me.  Probably because he knows I'd tell him to stuff it if he suggested it.

And that's what you need to do.  I know you'd like to believe that he doesn't love his GF and must love you if he's sneaking around to be with you.  But the truth is, he probably doesn't love either one of you.  He thinks he's some kind of stud with 2 chicks, and he's convinced that you're so gosh darned crazy about him that you'll do anything he wants.  He believes your self esteem is in the toilet and you'll do anything just to get 5 minutes with him, and that you're sitting around waiting for him to call you so he can have sex with you...not make love, have sex.

That's just not someone you want to be, is it?  You don't want to be the little abandoned puppy dog just begging for scraps.  This guy is a jerk loser and does not care one bit about how you feel.  You deserve better than that!  Sure, you could be his secret piece on the side for however long that lasts, but that isn't the way to get him back (and is that what you're hoping?  That he'll come back?  And why would you want him back if this is how he treats women who love him?).  Hold out for more, you are much better than being some loser's dirty little secret.  You need to block him and ignore him and never, ever have any form of contact with him again, including letters, texts, e-mails, calls, etc.  Cut him out and move on because as long as you keep having sex with him, or hoping he'll contact you, the pain will be just as sharp as it is now and will never go away.  Realize that you're too special and worthwhile to let ANY guy use you.

He's getting away with it because you let him.  You allow him to use you for illicit sex and if you didn't let him, he wouldn't have anything to get away with.  If it makes you angry, then stop it!  Having sex with him secretly will not make him love you!  All it will do is destroy your self esteem and turn you into his doormat.

Yes, Jesus loves you.  Don't you think He wants something better for you?  Save your love for someone who actually deserves it.