Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Hello everyone,

My boyfriend of almost 4 months broke up with me almost two weeks ago this Thursday. At first it was almost shock and then it hit me b/c I was feeling really depressed. Then I got into a phase of just missing him.

I wrote this all out on the long distance board because well we were long distance. He lived a 1000 miles away from me and we only got to see each other once a month. We met at a summer camp where we both worked and lived for 3 months. We started dating mid-way through the summer and then when it was time to leave we said we'd stay together and see how it went.

It was pretty difficult as any long distance relationship can be. Though I felt as though I was putting in more effort to the relationship than he was. I have work and school to worry about and he was a recent graduate looking for a decent, steady job in his field of study. I felt as though he was being lazy in our relationship though in person it was the other way around. He was always so attentive and caring. Always giving me things and watching out for me. He was always very communicative in person. But when we went our separate ways after camp things changed. He became less attentive and I didn't know what was wrong really. I tried doing things to make him realize we could still see eachother not as often of course but that we could. My dad works for Delta so I get flight benefits which allows me to get really cheap flying passes for him as well as myself. It seemed to work for a little while.

Then when it came down to talking about serious matters in our relationship such as our pasts and sex our relationship changed. I was sexually abused as a child and went to therapy for it but it affected previous relationships of mine before I went to therapy. Afterward I had no real problems other than trust which he showed me often I could trust him. We spoke about this and he seemed understanding about it at the time and glad we talked about it. Then I wanted to talk to him about the sex side of our relationship. I'm sure according to him there was no problem but to me there was. Mainly because I wasn't able to orgasm with him and though I felt as though I enjoyed being with him with or without it I wanted to of course. I tried explaining what could help and he said it just made him uncomfortable. It was like the more and more we talked about important things the more scared he got or something. Then came the big one where I thought I was pregnant. At the time what I thought was my period came and I felt as though everything was fine. I freaked him out though even though I waited until I had gotten my period to tell him about this. [Now I know I had a miscarriage but I haven't told him that.]

Everything I stated there he said made him uncomfortable but he was glad that I told him anyways. I thought he was fine with it but apparently he wasn't. The next time I saw him he was unable to have sex with me. He was acting differently and more distant and yet he often spoke about marriage and children. He brought it up a lot of what he wanted and he would ask me what I wanted. It kept surprising me every time he would bring it up because at camp people were jokingly saying that we would get married and have kids. Someone even got engaged at camp and he would tell me it was too much pressure. Which I thought he was just kidding but apparently he wasn't so I told him not to worry b/c I didn't want to do that for a while from now.

Then after that weekend when he was telling me all this stuff about marriage he started to act really distant when I came back home. After almost two weeks he broke up with me saying he still had feelings for me and that he enjoyed all of our time together and that we got along so well but that he felt as though his feelings weren't enough to make our relationship work.

The next day he sent me a message on facebook apologizing for hurting me and that it was really hard for him to do and that he was scared to do it. He said the distance and the wondering of what would happen between us b/c of the circumstances was making him lose his feelings toward me. He said he hoped we could continue talking as usual b/c he liked talking to me and knowing how I was. I told him that I couldn't talk to him as usual b/c it would be confusing so I told him not to contact me for a while.
Since then I have been trying to keep myself busy plus the miscarriage thing has been eating away at my energy so I'm always tired. This past weekend I went to Salem to spend Halloween with some friends. Before I went I put away all of the stuff he had ever given me or left in my room and I deleted all of his messages through e-mail, facebook and text. I wanted to come back to nothing that could remind me of him.

While away it was like if I started to miss him even more. I had to share a bed with my best friend and I wanted him to be there. I often found myself getting on my iphone and checking to see if he was online. On Halloween he said something to me b/c of a picture I had posted and then he put up happy halloween to everyone. He knows it's my favorite holiday and I had actually invited him to come to Salem with us so I had a feeling it was more directed toward me.

Everyone keeps telling me they think he's really just confused and that he'll probably come back again after he gets all of his stuff finalized job wise. But I don't know. I in a way think it's best we aren't together because of how far away we are from eachother and the fact I really don't have the time or money to go and see him or vice versa. Before him I hadn't seriously dated someone in years b/c of how busy I am. And now I remember why but at the same time I would want to be with him again b/c of how I feel for him. I know that eventually I'll feel better about this but I don't really know what else to do b/c I really miss him :/...

I do believe he got back together with his ex-g/f. I was on Facebook [seems like our lives are controlled by this thing or something!] and he had just posted pictures of his halloween. And he's with her and his friends and he's picking her up and stuff.

He always told me they were just friends now and that their relationship ended a long time ago. But his g/f lives in Iowa where he went to school so after camp he went down there to work and live with his old roommate for a month or so. He didn't tell me immediately that's what he was doing and then he finally confessed to me that he did. It was very odd. Then he came to visit me and when he went back he was being secretive and weird. And I told him that I felt as though he was hiding something from me b/c he was being so weird about what he was doing in Iowa. And he said that he was just living with his former roommate and working as much as possible. I think he was hanging out with her while he was there and didn't want to tell me. He moved back to his house after a month b/c he said it was getting tense where he was living. Which I didn't understand at all. Again I felt as though he was being extra secretive and weird. He quit his job out of the blue before I came to visit him at his house and he moved back.

I'm starting to realize there was more than he let on to believe and he hid a lot of things from me. And this helps me a lot to move on from him b/c I realize that he's not what I want at all.

Thanks for your comment though and I hope your situation improves!

Welcome to the board hefinca85,

It's only been two weeks, of course you still miss him. It takes time. Sometimes longer than we want it to.

Helpful links to consider:

How to Get Over Your Breakup - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=21185.1

Relationship Grieving Process - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22985.1

Zen of Doing Nothing - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=21173.1

 

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

 

Thank you for the info I feel as though I've tried all of that but it's always easy to just give up and think you're doomed to be stuck on this person forever. I know I've gotten over people before...one especially that I loved very deeply for a very long time. I know it can be done but it's just difficult when he keeps bringing up memories of us together.

After he broke up with me and he sent me a message wanting to continue talking as usual I told him not to talk to me for a while. But so I have pictures from the last time we hung out together that I wanted to put up b/c I liked them and I didn't think he would say anything about them b/c they were just scenery type pictures. But he keeps bringing up memories of us together and putting little sad faces which I honestly am not sure what that even means. If he misses that or if he's sad that we're over or who knows what! It's so confusing...and then I see the pictures of him and his ex which I was not looking for b/c it was just on the damn facebook news feed that puts everybody's business out there for you to read even if you don't want to. And I realized that I've been reading too much into the pictures. In a way I want him to be with his ex so I can move on but at the same time I find myself looking for signs that he's sad and unfortunately while looking at them more it's just them playing around for halloween and he was pretending to be a murderer who is taking her away. The rest are of just him sitting by himself in costume b/c no one else did.

I'm to the point where I want to delete him as a friend but at the same time I feel as though I shouldn't b/c it's not that he was ever mean to me and it's not like we ended badly and I still see him as someone that I care about regardless if we were together in a romantic relationship so I'm not sure what to do. I know that not knowing anything of him would help me move on. I guess my only option is to not get on facebook as much though that's my way of getting in contact with friends and family who are far away [which is where we talked a lot too] so that's not far to me. I don't know what to do.