Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Thank you for reading...

My bf dumped me on Friday night. The reason I asked him to go to a Halloween party like 2-3 weeks in advance. He said he would go, the day before I text him if he still wanted to go. He never responded so the day of the party, I asked him and he didn't want to go.

I just wanted for us to go out and have a good time but it's not his cup of tea. I was angry at him for not wanting to go with me. I felt like if it's something he doesn't want to do then we don't. I do things with him even if I may not be into it.

I had been drinking and I called Ray, a guy that I had a fling with when I was early 20's (8 yrs ago). Ray has asked me to leave my bf many times and marry him. It got to the point where I was beginning to feel so uncomfortable that I don't talk to Ray. This yr alone, I have seen Ray one time when I was kicked out of my bf's and had nowhere to go. I stayed there one night. Ray tried to get into my pants at the time of me needing a friend. I was hurt by it and left the next day. He called me a few mos later when he was very sad and wanted someone to talk to. I asked my bf if it was ok and he said yes. After that I have not had any contact with Ray.

So for a ride, I couldn't think of anyone that would be willing to drive us an hr away. So I called Ray to give my friend and I a ride there, he said he would. Then he changed his mind and said that being it was so late it's not worth it to drive and get there and have an hr left. I text my bf and he was pissed. I immediately changed my mind on going because I didn't want to lose my bf. So I ended up staying in bed and never leaving the house. He told me to pack my stuff and get out of his house.

During this time, I started drinking more and more. I was texting back and forth with my bf (ex now) and a lot of hurtful things were exchanged between us. He thinks that I only used him. I reacted to his msgs and vice versa. We both reacted to things we both said to each other, I don't mean it. I wish I could take it back but can't. To make matters worse I even blamed him for my drinking that night.

How can he not think I love him? How can he think I'm using him? I do many things around the house and whatever I can to try and make his life simpler. I've offered to help with anything that's work related that he finds tedious, I would be more than happy to do. I only worked 2 mos out of the 1.5 yrs we've been together. At times, he says I don't have to, then there's times he felt it's best I do. What does he want? Isn't relationships about leaning on each other?

He thinks I don't truly love him and I only used him to get to the next step. If I don't love him? Why did I encourage him and go with him to OK to have a vasectomy reversal so we can have a baby? Why did I order all these things for Fertility. Why do I make sure he takes them daily? Why do I try to make sure there's dinner for him. Just all the little things. Why do I wish for the day we can get married? Why do I get jealous or angry, if I didn't care for him? Why would I want to leave CA and go to start a new life with him up in WA? Why would I plan my future growing old with him? I would take care of him when he gets older and becomes sick...Is that not love?

So here we are now. He said that night I was drunk, it was easy to find a place so now being sober it should be easier. He told me to call Ray and cry on his shoulders, have him come pick me up.

I haven't called Ray. I feel that I am stuck. I have nowhere to really go, if I call Ray, I feel that would ruin any chances of my ex and I being together again. But also says he said that this time he's really done and wants nothing to do with me. He wants me to leave him be and leave ASAP so we can separate in a peaceful way.

I'm over here packing and see that in the 1.5 yr we have been together, so many letters written to each other. So many I love you's! So many sweet cards and other things. There were some bad ones too when we were arguing. I see that there's so much love we have for each other. I just don't know why it's been so hard. He came from a broken 17 yr marriage where the ex wife had a 3+ yr affair with their best friend and other affairs. I came from my bf's who really screwed me up by cheating and lying to me over and over. I had trust for my bf and never doubted him until I saw a text to his ex wife saying he loves her til the day he dies. I do initially have trust until something happens. Since then, we both have been trying to be strong and build trust.

My ex husband called me today and told I told him what happened. He told me to leave. Just go! He says you never put up with anyone's stuff in the past. Why are you doing it now? What is so special about this guy that I still stay even though he's kicked me out many times, evicted me and yet I'm still here hoping we can be together? He tells me that I need to work on me and forget this guy.

I know I have no choice but to let it go but why am I still struggling with it? Why is the thought of not seeing him again or being around him hurt so bad? Is he really done with me? Is what I did so bad that he can just let "US" go like that? We all make mistakes and so has he, Is what I did so unforgivable?

I'm sorry that I'm kinda here and there trying to type this up. I really would like some input. It's so hard right now..My anxiety is bad, I feel sharp pains in my chest and my heart. I haven't ate for a few days. I feel so lonely and hurt. Is there just no reconciliation?

Please any views or ideas are much appreciated!!! Thanks!!!

I find it very interesting that when you say you love your (now) ex, you outlined all the little things you would do for him daily, weekly, big and or small.  Which is all great, but you know what, the thing is that each time things get tough at home, you call Ray. 

And THAT is why your boyfriend asked you to leave.

Truth be told, if I found out that each time my boyfriend and I had a serious argument, blowout, disagreement, whatever, that he went running back to someone whom he'd had a fling with before me and somehow never cut that tie, that string, even if they did not have any kind of interaction besides just talking, I'd say sayonara and don't let the doorknob hit you on the way out, can I show you the door.  Because that is blatant disrespect for me and our relationship, and I ain't living like that.

So essentially in answer to your question "is what you did so bad?" my answer is yes.  Unforgiveable, no.  Forgiveness is possible.  But if he's anything like me, I'd forgive you from a distance and wish you well on your way.

Honey, I know that was harsh, but it's because I would love for you to see that you are effectively destroying your chances at happiness with anyone by holding onto crap relationships and pseudo-friendships that will pretty much obliterate any real intimacy you can hope to create with someone in a romantic sense. 

WHY do you need to hold onto this dude Ray in your life? 

Relationships aren't just about leaning on each other, they're about being able to count on and trust each other, and oh by the way, learning to resolve conflict with each other WITHOUT bringing in any baggage from the past, especially other people, specifically ex-romatic partners, liasons, and definitely no "flings", in order to do that. 

I honestly think that part of your issue of letting go of this guy is because deep in your heart, I think you know that you didn't conduct this relationship with him, WITH him, so therefore it feels like you have unresolved business with him.

The unresolved business is actually within yourself.  Learn how to manage and resolve conflict with a partner, with THEM, without bringing anyone else in the mix.  THEN you might be ready to have a full-fledged mature relationship.

Good luck,

It was harsh but it's honest and I appreciate that!

I felt the same way as what you said about calling ex's or whomever every time we get into an argument or a fight.

"Relationships aren't just about leaning on each other, they're about being able to count on and trust each other, and oh by the way, learning to resolve conflict with each other WITHOUT bringing in any baggage from the past, especially other people, specifically ex-romatic partners, liasons, and definitely no "flings", in order to do that. "

He runs to his ex wife when we have arguments or fights. I am willing to let go of everyone but he has always fought to hold onto her. It's the same disrespect. Trust? we have none for each other, we're building on it, and resolving conflicts, he wont talk to you or hear you out and shuts you completely out when he's upset with you.

I think you are right about this "The unresolved business is actually within yourself." I will talk to him one day when he's had some time to cool off.

Thank you very much!

Welcome to the board geanie2000,

::He runs to his ex wife when we have arguments or fights. I am willing to let go of everyone but he has always fought to hold onto her. It's the same disrespect. Trust? we have none for each other, we're building on it, and resolving conflicts, he wont talk to you or hear you out and shuts you completely out when he's upset with you.

And this is the kind of relationship you want and deserve?

Read: Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis

Sorry you are going through this.

 

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong