Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Hello all... I just found this message board and am going through all the emotions of anger, loneliness, etc. He broke up with me last night after 9 months. Over a stupid argument. Here is some background, I guess you would call what we have a long distance relationship we live 90 miles apart, both have children. We only see eachother on the weekends. My son wanted a buddy to spend the night Friday, his buddy finally got permission at 6pm on Thursday, so I told him Thursday at 9pm that we wouldn't be coming down for Friday night. On Saturday morning he called and stated saying that I wasn't being considerate enough and should have given him more of a notice. I blew up and told him to forget it I wouldn't be coming down Saturday either and I hope that was notice enough. Not the first fight we have had about "being considerate". It's not fair for my kid to "suffer" and not be able to hang out with his friends because of something I want to do or because of my boyfriend. Another fact that might help is that he is my first relationship since my split with my ex-husband.

I am going to post the emails he sent me and I want honest to goodness responses from you who have been there and done that, k?

Email #1 Sent 5:53pm yesterday

That was very childish of you to say you were not coming down tomorrow either. The little shi**y remark was uncalled for also. You tell me to communicate with you but when I do you blow up at me. All I was saying was to be a little more considerate and let me know when something comes up and we have a change of plans. Chrissy I really doubt your love for me sometimes. I feel like you don't want to be around me and you pick fights just to have a reason not to. I've never cared for anyone as much as I do for you and it kills me when you talk to me like that and then send me to voice mail.
Well I guess you got what you were looking for, a fling to get over Terry. I see where I stand. All the talk about next summer was just shot to hell. Now you can go back to your old friends and do whatever makes you happy because it obviously ain't me. Find your own transportation over Christmas. Anything you have here will be mailed to you next week. Thanks for getting my hopes up and then tearing them down. I guess I should say thanks for nothing.

Email #2 Sent Saturday at 2:00am

Dang girl I was just awakened by a scary thought that I really don't know you as well as I thought. You've got two different sides to you. One side is the one that lays in bed with me and tells me how much you love me, and the other side tells me how much you can't stand me. I really think you need to consider getting some help 'cause it obviously ain't just me. you really confuse me sometimes.
I feel like such an ass... when I said I was looking forward to friday and seeing y'all you said well we need to talk about that we ain't coming down friday night, and you're attitude went to hell after that. The next thing I know you said well guess what? I ain't coming down saturday either. Now do you blame me for questioning your scruples? You've got way too much drama for me. If you act like this now I can't even fathom what it would be like to be married to you. You'd better find you somebody more like your ex that you can treat like sh*t and still live together as a family.

Then this morning I get a text at 9:50am this morning saying " U ripped my heart out but if you ever need me I am here. I love you.

Can I just say WTF? I do love him and we have been talking about building a life and family together before this, but damn I'm not the drama he is. I never once said anything about breaking up. We had a fight and I got mad and wouldn't answer his call or texts for a few hours. I know I was childish also and I am also to blame, but to actually be broken up over so much bullsh*t come on!

Well.....how much conversation did you have between him saying he didn't feel you were being considerate and you blowing up?  Did you blow up instantly and say you weren't coming Saturday either, or was there more conversation in between?

Honestly, I'm kind of with him on this.  It seems like you really blew your stack over something that could have been solved with a little honest conversation.  When he said he didn't feel you were being considerate, instead of going on the defensive, you could have explained that your son was looking forward to this, you wanted him to have fun with his friend, and you are sorry he feels you are being inconsiderate but that as a parent himself, he could be a little more understanding.  When I was with my ex, he lived far away and I only saw him on weekends too.  I really looked forward to him coming over and was very disappointed when he didn't or couldn't for some reason.  So sometimes I did tell him I was disappointed.  Instead of blowing up at me, he said he understood and hoped that we could have a great time the next weekend instead.

I think you might need a little work on your conflict resolution skills.  I couldn't tolerate someone who blew up at me, then refused to talk to me.  To me, THAT is drama.

I'm with your boyfriend on this. Hon, instead of dealing with this disagreement in a mature way - you threw a tantrum.

Sure, his initial reaction to you cancelling wasn't great..but it's clear he was very disappointed. I'm sure if you'd sympathised and expressed that you were disappointed too, things would have calmed down.

To be honest, I would also be breaking up with someone who was inclined to 'blow up' during a fight. Sure, all couples have disagreements and have to work through misunderstandings, but someone who reverts to tantrums during a disagreement is not marriage material.

I think both of you would do well to learn how to disagree and discuss controversial subjects without jumping to fits, but guess who's the only one you can force to change? You.

My boyfriend of nine months dumped me in part because I would "blow up" at him over stuff that really, taking a ten-second breather would have instantly turned things around. Only, I didn't know how to do that and I had to learn on my own. Good thing for me I got over myself and did learn. We're happy as clams now at just past four years and he has no idea how it all "works" between us but it does and that's all he cares about.

Why he broke up over seeming "bullsh*t": ....."If you act like this now I can't even fathom what it would be like to be married to you."..... It's enough to drive anyone away, especially a man. Yes, they do think about that. Alot.

Go to Problem Solving for Couples and commit this to memory:
Do's and Don't's for Fair Fighting
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=8950.1

And no, we're not ganging up on you or saying any of this is your "fault," but your relationship is your responsibility, at least your part of it is. If you cannot learn to discuss disagreements, then really, you have no future together. So learn and move forward, or don't and remain stuck. It's entirely your choice.

Good luck getting your reactions under control and learning to talk things out.