Mismatched Libidos

Hey man, I have not posted on this board for quite some time but I had to respond to this one as this is a biggie for me. My wife has NEVER liked go give oral to me even early on, but I would always get a little oral action as foreplay from time to time. I would say, dating time maybe 1-2x a month, early marriage, maybe 1x a month, years 5-10 1x every month or two, 10-15 years maybe 1x every 3-4 months, now getting closer to 20, I have not had her face lips touch my erection in I think 2 years. I actually can't remember the last time. I give her oral as often as she will allow because it turns her on and also turns me on-she is sometimes reluctant to let me down there because I think she probably feels guilty about not returning the favor. Don't get me wrong, I would love for her to return the favor but I know it is just not going to happen and I will NOT ask her for any oral. I did that one time, she was PISSED at me and did it for no kidding, 5-10 seconds. You should watch the movie, I LOVE YOU, MAN. It has a funny scene talking about returning the favor. I could so relate and laughed out loud, my wife didn't say a word. I have just learned to live without it.

Unlike you, my wife is my one and only sex partner so I don't have the experience of being with a woman that freely gives and seems to enjoy it. I have never had oral to completion, wife said back when she was doing it that she would NEVER do that. Anyway, when I do masturbate or look at porn, I am drawn to oral sex scenes moreso than anything else. If I am not using porn to jerk off, I am mentally picturing a woman, typically one that I know, giving me oral. I simply can't use my wife in my mental image because it has been so long since she has done it. If she did it again tonight, I might be able to use that fantasy in my head for a good while because it would be so out of the blue and memorable.

I think it is pretty natural to have fantasies about sexual activities you are missing out on. I mean, what else can you do when you are married to a woman that is not interested in making any of your fantasies a reality. I have one sexual fantasy in my life-one only. It involves me being limp, my wife bringing me to erection and then letting me finish in her mouth and having her swallow it (or she could spit it out for that matter). I know that will never happen with her and have accepted it. That doesn't mean I don't still want it to happen though. I think I would even be happy if she would give me one until the last instance and then let me shoot on her tits-but again, never going to happen.

King of off-topic, but it was nice to hear a man's perspective on oral sex, that may be similar to my husband's POV on it.

I'd say the frequency of oral that I give him is similar to what yours was when you were married a few years, and luckily (for me and him) I found this board and have been working on finding out his fantasies and making them come true for him. I am/was the LL in our relationship (although the ML was not as severe as for some on here). I found that one thing that helped me overcome my LL (or hide it, at least) is challenging myself to find and perform fantasies for my DH. One of his fantasies, that he admitted to me, was for me to perform oral on him and for him to finish in my mouth. I had a similar reaction to your wife the first time I thought of it, but after 5 years of marriage, figured why not? So we tried it a couple weeks ago (didn't take him long to finish, once he figured out what my intentions were, lol!). I was a bit embarrassed because I started to choke and spit it out, but he was more than pleased, and was so grateful I tried it.

Anyway, I just wanted to share, and point out that knowing your spouse's fantasies can be a powerful motivator, if you choose to rise to the challenge!

To the OP: I think fantasies are totally normal! I have fantasies that will never happen, either, and some that I probably will not share with my DH (they're sort of embarrassing!). So don't feel bad for having them. And if you DW seems even the slightest bit interested in trying out some of your fantasies, give her a small one and let her work her way up; it worked for me!

Good luck to you all!

...I apologize up front for being so nosy, but a common thought process on this board is that if the LL steps out of their "comfort" zone and has sex that they are not in the mood for they will feel used and resentful...have you experienced this yet (I haven't)...and, how long have you been doing your part to be an active enthusiastic sex partner to your husband?...again...sorry for being nosy...

Hey there :). Don't worry, you're not being nosy! I posted on here to hopefully help others who are in my shoes.

I had a nice long reply typed out on my laptop, and I installed a new anti-virus program which restarted my Internet browser and I didn't save what I had typed... So here I am on my iPhone trying to remember what I had typed. Hehe.

I think the key for me is to get myself "in the mood" before starting anything. That keeps me motivated, and helps me initiate (or at least effectively reciprocate), which in turn boosts my confidence and keeps me feeling sexy throughout the session. Then I feel satisfied, and not at all used or taken advantage of.

In the last year, I've found that the thing that helps me get turned on, even if I'm tired, headachey, stressed, whatever, is reading erotic stories. I've always been an avid reader, and been able to somewhat live vicariously through characters in books, and that helps me greatly in this situation. At first I was embarrassed to tell DH, but he was very supportive, and didn't laugh or tease me (which is what I had been afraid of). He even suggested a couple sites to try. Now we simply refer to it as my "stories"; (if he's feeling frisky, he will suggest I read some of my "stories" before he comes home or something).

So, not only do those stories help me overcome my inhibition, they also give me fun ideas of things to try during our more experimental sessions. Which those are usually led by me, at my pace and suggestions. I like to know what's coming and where things are headed, and DH likes surprised and me in charge, so it works out for both of us.

I feel like I've gotten off on a tangent...

"and, how long have you been doing your part to be an active enthusiastic sex partner to your husband?"

Well, that's a good question! We started off great! Sex was great when we first got married, and we were hot and heavy, but when I was pregnant with our son, I was raped, and that severely damaged my concept of intimacy for a long time. (I understand you may be curious about what happened, but I would appreciate of you didn't ask any questions about the rape itself; I bring it up simply to help you understand a little why my sex drive changed so drastically).

It took me about 3 years to "get over" what happened (or at least to the point where I didn't have a panic attack every time I started to feel forced or trapped during intimate times). But, now that i've sort of found a way to relax, and start to let go of my inhibitions before I even take my clothes of, it's made all the difference.

So, the sex situation has been decent for about a year, good for about 6-7 months, and great for 4-5 months. And a not-so-small part of my progress has been my lurking on this board, which has helped so much in understanding my DH's perspective. So thank you, all you regular posters.

I am not completely "fixed", but it's been a few months since my last mid-sex panic attack, which is a good thing :).

I hope I answered all your questions. Feel free to ask more, if you'd like! If I can help anyone out or shed more light on the LL's side, let me know.

...thank you for answering...your situation (what you've been through) certainly puts into perspective the times that I want to tell my husband "no" because I'm tired or "feel" like being left alone...or...any number of my other excuses...again...thanks so much for answering...good for you on your progress and good...no...great luck in continuing...