Mismatched Libidos

Hi all.  I haven't written on this for quite a while but thought I would now. 

My wife and I have not had sex but about 2 times in 3 months.  First she went to see her Dad for a month while he was recuperating from a stroke.  This took a month.  I went to see her there after 1 month and she said she wouldn't have sex with me because we were staying in his apt. and it was too small, he would hear.  Ok, so I had to wait 2 more weeks until she came home. 

She came home and finally we had sex.  But then her son decides that in the worst economy since 1940's he's going to relocate and wants to move in with us until he can find a job.  She and I talk it over and decide to help him but little did I know this was going to mean not having sex while he stayed with us.  He's been with us for 3 months and I think we only had sex once and that was because he was out of town for a little over a week.

I am going crazy.  Sometimes when he is gone to go have dinner, I'm looking at my wife like I want to have sex and she thinks I'm crazy for wanting to do it at the drop of a hat even though it's been so little.  I've voiced my frustration but it seems to stress her if I bring it up. 

Any suggestions?  I can take matters into my own hands, which I've done, but that only helps a little.  It's really driving me crazy.

Tell your wife that either (i) she has sex more frequently, (ii) her son moves out or (iii) you move out.  J/K!  I know neither you nor I have the guts to say that.  So let's deal with reality-based choices.

Is son unemployed?  What effort is he making to look for work?  Does he treat looking for work as a full time job?  Is he accepting part-time or unpaid assignments while he looks for a full-time position?

Do you charge him rent or have him contribute toward food, utilities, etc?  Or is he getting a completely free ride?

How long is your wife intending to allow his presence to interfere with her sex life?  Until he leaves?  Which could be years from now?  Does she realize that her ability to shield her son from the harsh realities of the outside world will be negatively impacted when you leave her?

Pressure never worked for me.  Probably won't work for you either.  But it galls me that our wives don't realize that the most effective mechanism for them being able to accomplish their life goals would be to provide copious amopunts of sex to their husbands.  If your wife was busy bonking your brains out, her son could mooch off you as long as he wanted and you wouldn't complain.  Doesn't she realize that by NOT having sex with you while her son is around, she is helping to bring about the LAST thing she wants - which is her son being out on the street?  Apparently not.  Guess she knows you won't make push come to shove.  I won't either.  Hence we just fume and vent here.

Besides using her son as an excuse not to have sex, what does her son staying there have to do with your sex life?

I'm sorry you're going through this but as I have found with H, there are way too many excuses not to have sex and they all sound the same after a while.  Eventually it gets to the point it's just not worth trying any more.

I'm sorry to hear that. The good news is, it doesn't sound like an LL issue, just that she's embarassed to be overheard by her son, which makes sense, but at the same time, it's hers and your house! If he doesn't want to hear/see things that are a little awkward, he should leave. You two are doing him a favor by letting him stay. Maybe putting it this way to you wife would help.

Also, when dh and I have guests over but still want to have sex, we usually close the bedroom door and turn a loud action movie on or something lol. Also running the dishwasher/washing machine/dryer may help create enough noise that your wife would be more comfortable. You shouldn't have to give up your sex life completely if you have a guest. Her son MUST know the two of you have sex...

Does he watch tv at night? Maybe you can sneak a session in when he's distracted. Sneaking around can be kinda fun sometimes :)

Best of luck! Talk to your wife and try to see if you can come up with a realistic compromise.

If all else fails, buy her some jewelry. Always works for me. Haha!

The son and his girlfriend move out in 2 weeks.  He did finally find a job but it's only part-time....hopes to develop into full-time.  We weren't charging him rent because he doesn't have much money and by charging him rent, it would have made him pennyless.  If it were me, he would have moved in with a deadline to fine a job, but when I mentioned this to my wife, she said she wouldn't have the heart to kick him out if he couldn't find a job in the deadline. 

I agree that it's too bad some wives do this and it really stinks.