Mismatched Libidos

I can feel the tears getting ready to spill.

I found the most wonderful man....and reading the posts on this board for the last hour....it seems my fate with him is not what I expected or wanted.

I was in an abusive sexual relationship for over 9 years (I was with the guy total 20).  When I started this new relationship, I told the guy I had to take it slow and I didn't know if I COULD enjoy sex again.  For the first few months...he soothed me, we had sex often (3-4 times a week)....after dating him about 1.5 years...and I was begining to relax during sex...he tells me that he has never had a sexual desire, even before he met me....he thinks something happened to his desire before he met me and after age 45.  This was about a year ago when he told me this...and the sex came to a halt.  I would say we have sex 1 time a month....and this time it has been over 5 weeks.

He is going to be 50 this week.  My thoughts on this are....he was having sex in the begining of the relationship because that is what "guys" are supposed to do....and then became honest about how he really feels about sex.  And he probably thinks it is ok because of my past.  Contrary...I was just starting to enjoy sex with him and I feel like I have been duped.  I am very sad and feel like most of the people who write on this board...I feel rejected, unattractive, etc.  I know that I'm not unattractive....I want him to want me....everything else about our relationship is perfect.

I asked him Sunday (because our friends tease us about how silly romantic we are).....that if we are SO IN LOVE...why aren't we having sex?  He never has a clear answer and he does say he is worried about me.  When I say you don't have to worry about me....he says we will work on it....this has been the comment the last two times I brought this topic up....and that was Sunday...today is Thursday...and no sex yet.

No-one has to actually respond to this post because I have seen the answers in many other posts on this board.  I just can't believe that when I finally thought I had a great guy in my life....that something else has to be VERY wrong....and that I HAVE to be the one to deal with it.....the "talk" the "thank yous and we should move on".  I'm very torn apart right now because I don't want to go thru losing him....He just moved in 3 months ago....He thinks everything is fine....He thinks I am a big over reactor....This is hurting me inside...I read the post about dying inside and I felt it to my core.....

I've settled one time in my life for 20 years...I promised myself I would never settle again.  Life is just not fair sometimes...I really am shell shocked that he could possibly be WRONG for me and me for HIM.

We think we are great, sigh.

"Life is just not fair sometimes"

So true for many people.  Best of luck.  I hope you can stay true to yourself though I know it likely be a hard road to go down.

Sorry to hear nothing has improved since the last time we talked.  Whatever you decide to do, it has to be whatever you feel is best for your life. 

And this is how oblivious he is to the whole thing....he is in so much DENIAL...he sends me a horoscope - EVERYDAY on my phone...he types it out...and he has been doing this for 3 years.....This is todays....and I wanted to throw my phone across the room.

First...this morning....I was sleeping on the couch....he asked why...I said because I didn't want to wake him up by going in the room last night...I'm not working today...he gets up at 4am....he was all dressed for work...sat down beside me on the couch, pushed all my hair aside and started kissing up and down my face....sucked on my ear...and said he wanted to kiss his baby goodbye before he left. 

Then...I get THIS horoscope:  Romance requires a connecton of mind, body and lifestyle the spiritual component is equally important you'll clarify your feelings about someone your compassion and affection for someone will be tested by todays events.....

He has no idea....OMG....I'm having a big 50th birthday party for him Sunday...at a nice resturaunt with 20 people...I was thinking of having a conversation after that...but I know myself and it will probably be today. 

How do you start that off?  It is all about the component of the sexual connection missing.....And yes, he is worthy of the thank yous...for all I have learned from the relationship...but it is going back to the sex thing...and I don't know how to do this without making him feel like crap...additionally, he already feels like crap about turning 50 and he thinks he is getting fat.  

big sigh.