Mismatched Libidos

I realize that many of you here have been here for some time and that you've debated and pondered all the reasons for a mismatch, whether a LL or a HL is a symptom of another problem, and some of you have decided to "accept the things you cannot change" as the old AA serenity prayer advises, but I feel compelled to contribute my 2 cents to the discussion.

There are dozens of theories on the role of marriage, roles of partners within the marriage etc. A well accepted theory on mate selection is one that says that most people who marry do so to achieve self fulfillment. The two become one. If we look at what happens in a strong and healthy marriage, we can see that a mismatched libido would not be an issue.

In a healthy marriage, the two partners are not always 100% on the same page - so they compromise. They negotiate their roles, either verbally or through trial and error. They become aware of each others likes and dislikes and a part of their happiness comes from helping their partner achieve happiness.

For those HL persons whose LL partners refuse to compromise, in many cases, I think you are married to an immature selfish person. If there are no underlying psychological reasons for frigidity, it requires little effort to provide sexual fulfillment to your partner even if YOU don't need or want it.

When you are in love with someone, and you are not selfish and immature, you actually get "something" out of taking care of or doing things for your partner. It really feels good to make your life partner feel good whether it is by cooking and serving him/her a nice meal, giving him/her a back rub, or providing a sexual favor with no expectation or desire of getting something back. How hard is it for a LL woman to pleasure her HL man? A LL man can easily provide sexual satisfaction for his woman without having sex himself. There are ways to satisfy that do not involve intercourse.

As a parent, I often cook for my children even when I'm not hungry. I do it because I love them and I want what is best for them. I could send them to the cupboard to pour a bowl of cereal, or go to McDonalds. There are immature and selfish parents who can't see beyond themselves to meet the needs of their children too, and most of us find that unacceptable. Yet we can make excuses for a marriage partner being too lazy or too selfish to "take care" of their life partner.

If I were in this situation, I would not tolerate it. To do so is demeaning and, quite frankly, borders on abusive. Withholding sex is a form of abuse in a marriage, and IMHO is completely unacceptable. Of course everyone has a choice to live in a loveless marriage if they choose to, but I hope they realize that if there are children involved, they are teaching those children what marriage is about.

JMHO - but go ahead and hit me with your best shot... I can take it! LOL

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First of all, your post is written entirely from an HL point of view. It doesn't consider at all that there might be another point of view.

Second, let's assume for the sake of argument that you are right. That a majority (I don't know if you mean all or most, but I'll assume you mean most) of all ML is unresolved because of inconsiderate, immature LL's. And you already made one of the logical conclusions I would make: leaving can improve the situation.

You mentioned children of ML couples. However, you didn't mention that the research is clear that children of divorced parents fare far worse in any number of ways than children of parents who avoid conflict despite their differences. So a better conclusion for the children would be: to accept the LL as she or he is and get on with getting along with the spouse until the children are grown. After all, the children are neither to blame for the mismatch nor can they contribute to its resolution. Why should they be called upon to make any sacrifice to improve the situation?

Once we are clear that accepting the LL and getting along is best for the children, then it becomes necessary to go back and question the original assumption of LL being a sign of selfishness and immaturity in order to achieve that acceptance and lack of conflict. I have discovered that my LL wife is neither selfish nor immature, she simply does not see the world through my eyes any more than I could see the world through her eyes until I understood the cost my children would incur if I failed to do so.