Mismatched Libidos

I stumbled onto this message board about an hour ago after running a google search on "mismatched libidos" and I have to say, after reading through over a dozen of your posts, this place feels like a godsend to me!

I am a 27 year old EXTREMELY HL female, living with my EXTREMELY LL boyfriend....we've been together for a little over 4 years, and living together for about 2&1/2 years. He's 35 but our age gap has never (seemingly) been an issue. We have an amazing relationship and are intensely connected to each other, and up until 6 months ago our sex life was much of the same....plentiful and awesome...but nowadays things arent quite the same. Starting sometime around early June, I noticed his sex drive do a 360....he went from constantly wanting it and initiating to just not. I have tried everything in the book.....sexy lingerie, racy text messages/emails, spontaneous come on's, sexy outfits when we're out, and even renewed my gym membership about 2 months ago to try and look "sexier for him"....but now, I find myself in great shape and feeling like the sexiest woman alive, except for when it comes to him. He constantly rejects my come-on's, makes excuses (ie: my show is on tv, I'm tired, I have a headache, my stomach hurts, I had a bad day at work, etc.), and the few times we have had sex since June have ALWAYS been on his terms, rare blue moon occasions when he suddenly wants to have sex (sessions that last usually under 5 minutes - not very fulfilling) and then its right back to the drought.

I have cried myself to sleep a few times, and I find myself always feeling unattractive around him....I even feel resentment and anger creeping in because I just can't understand WHY he doesn't want me. I have always been told that I'm a very attractive woman, and as I've edged into my late 20's I have found my self esteem being boosted as I am now much more confident about myself than I was just a few years ago....but then LL rejects me and I feel like that pitiful and insecure young girl all over again.

me and LL have talked about it, and he has always promised to "work on it" and asks me to "give him time" says he'll "come around" but I still see no change. I NEED to feel like a sexual being and I can't just continue to go on like this....what to do? whats the next best step?

I am so confused, hurt and rejected at this point that I find myself constantly snapping at him and making snarky comments....hell, I was even just rejected a little under 2 hours ago when I made a pass at him! please help....your opinions and suggestions mean the world to me!

...what to do? whats the next best step?

To paraphrase the Cheshire Cat: What to do next and what step to take next depends entirely upon where it is you want to go!

I'll assume that you want to create your idealized sexual relationship, or something like it, possibly restore the relationship you had earlier with this man. He's either capable of that or he's not. I'm not sure which, but my best guess is that if you engage in activities with him that restore the early-relationship brain chemistry, you have your best chance of reaching your goal. The kind of activities I mean are exciting, intense, highly physical, possibly risk-taking activities: competing against each other in a sport, hiking to places with invigorating views, parasailing, surfing, etc.

Although relationship experts say these things will work, my experience has been that they don't always have the desired effect. In that case, you'll have to fall back to plan B: tweak your goal. A tweak might be: to have your idealized sexual relationship with a different man (while remaining with or dumping the current guy), or to have a less-than-ideal less-than-it-used-to-be relationship with this guy. The first tweak is obvious. The second tweak involves compromising to some degree and it might include expecting him to compromise as well, assuming he's that kind of guy. (Other posters on this board have suggested giving up some frequency you would like in exchange for a frequency that exceeds his preference. Others have suggested exchanging weeks: you get sex all you want for one week and he gets to control the frequency of sex the next week.)

In all this, it's important to remember that not all LL's are capable of change. At the same time, he didn't choose LL and he's not behaving out of any negative feeling toward you. He's just behaving the way his nature dictates, the same way you are. Maintaining your own self-esteem is critical. Feeling crappy about yourself and letting him see that only makes matters worse for you. I suggest doing the things that make you feel sexy, even if he doesn't appreciate it. At least you do.

I wish you the best.

Since LL's frequently experience "phantom" "seal-the-deal" libido early in a relationship, the OP's post seemed to fit that pattern. She also said that she has tried everything to try to raise his libido. I took her at her word. Having been in similar circumstances, I offered what I thought would have been most helpful to me at the time.

And I also think that most men are pretty vocal about the behavior they dislike from their wives or the behavior they would like that they're not seeing. That doesn't mean all wives actually hear it, but men aren't usually shy about giving input. They do, however, stop mentioning it after a long time with no change, especially when mentioning it causes conflict. So, you raise a good point.