Please forgive the length and whiny-ness of this post, but I need to vent a bit. Married 6 years, no kids, good jobs, 33 and 30. I am the HL. There is quite a large gap between us in terms of libido, but I have mostly just quit trying, and left things as they are for the most part. Certainly nothing I have tried does anything other than cause problems. However, I sort of expected to have sex 3 times a year...on my birthday, on Valentines Day, and on our Anniversary (or the closest free day we have to those holidays - I understand that it can be too much effort after a day at work sometimes). The last of those three days has just passed, without a hint of anything resembling something of a sexual nature. To be clear, I did what I consider my part, I made a lovely dinner, (chartreuse en quail) on friday, we went out on sat, and I made breakfast in bed for her on sunday. She received thoughtful gifts. (she forgot about it until I had dinner ready) I make similar plans on V-day, this year was a weekend at a boutique hotel for the weekend. I just don't understand. I am only asking for 3 times a year. I fully understand that she is much busier and stressed than am I, but I do all of the housework - cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, I make dinner every night. I listen well to to everything, and commiserate with her problems. I follow all her many and varied rules about being intimate, and try very hard to be good natured about everything. I don't ask for her to initiate, I just smile and snuggle when she says no as to not make her feel bad. I do understand that it is more of an effort for her, and make allowances for it. I just don't understand why she can't put in a little effort 3 times a year.
Is it really too much trouble? Am I being unrealistic or uncharitable to expect this? If so (and I admit that this may be the case), how to I not stray and keep my fustration from overwhelming me?
Thank you all for allowing me to vent a bit, and any suggestion are appreciated.
Venting here is fine by most people, sometimes we just need to get "it" off our chest somewhere where it wont be counter-productive!
First, I didnt hear you say anything about HER perception of your sex life?
I personally think that 3 times a year is, in no way, a lot to ask from a partner.
Have you told her clearly that you feel your sex life is falling short? If so, what has been her reaction?
As my wife and I are now in counseling for several months now, I'm finally beginning to see how all the FIGHTING we did about sex over the past years did not count as COMMUNICATING about it. (sigh, soooooo much wasted time)
I've been reading this forum off and on for a couple of years, though this was my first post. It seems like we've followed the usual trend, many excuses, a few arguments, then real discussions. Basically I've been told that she just doesn't have the desire/energy/interest to initiate sex, but is perfectly fine having it and enjoys it a lot (her words), and that it is up to me to start (provided, of course, that I follow all the rules, eg. only just before bed, I do all the work etc. the usual). However, if I try too often, it becomes an issue. Through trial, error, and a few more discussions what she really wants is to not have sex, but feels as if she should occasionally. I assume at this point she is telling me the truth, and certainly seems to be quite happy and loving, as long as I don't try to have sex more than every couple of months. As there is no effort to meet me in the middle, I have done everything I can to eradicate any pressure or concern from me. Admittedly, I have also stopped trying, but quite frankly I can only take so much rejection, and I am tired of the fallout from trying. It simply became a little to much to bear after this weekend, hence the post. Again thank you all.
...I'm the LL in my relationship...I do not think that you are being unreasonable...3 times a year!...I really don't have words of wisdom or encouragement...I think that you are being starved sexually...and, I wouldn't want to live that way...I don't advocate a tit for tat in a relationship (I'll give you this if you give me that...)but, I do think that she is able to recognize your efforts and she is absolutely able to understand that her spouse/partner would like to have sex more than three times a year...she chooses not to acknowledge...I don't know what to say about that other than to reflect on my first marriage in which the reason that I did not have enthusiastic sex with my husband was that I wasn't attracted to him...it had nothing to do with the amount of money he made or the amount of dishes that he washed...or the price of any presents he bought me...I wasn't attracted to him and therefore did not want to put the effort into my marriage that would have left him feeling emotionally and physically bonded to me...hopefully, the other LLs will chime in...
Love 
