Mismatched Libidos

I have either lied about things I'm thinking about or covered them up or faked that I am ok....its going to be like a big bomb hitting him when I come out with how I really feel:

Exampline of lying, covering up and avoidance;

Tonight I want to go lay on the couch when I am ready to sleep.  He thinks we should "sleep" together....The truth is...I can't lay next to him on another Friday night feeling rejected.  He already started yawing and saying he was tired an hour ago.

So, I said when I felt tired...I was going to go fall asleep on the couch and give him TIME ALONE to watch TV...and that I didn't want to bother him...we had a long work week and I know that he is tired...and I CHIT CHAT so much....I said I wanted ot give him a break.

I'm avoiding the part where I go in bed...toss and turn, move around, try to snuggle him...and then I come out with dRAMA....like "you don't love me anymore" he says why? I say because you never want to have sex....he says he loves me very much he is tired...I say I understand....and roll over.  

So I have done this for 4 years (not slept on the couch).(lied or faked or avoided the real conversation)...I think that he is relieved when I say I'm going to do things like this.  Does he know that I am hurting from not having sex?  Probably not...But, shouldn't he know if he has been like this since he has been with me and wasn't like this with other women?  He says its NOT me....and it is his age, medical reasons...etc....the brief conversation we had over a year ago...but it really hasn't been brought up much since.  I don't make an issue of it....but I feel it coming to a head...I feel like it is a huge gap (white elephant) and we NEED to discuss what is going on.

I wrote him a letter that said I was worried about it 3 months ago...he said we would work on it...and we have had sex 3 times since then.  We carry on like nothing is wrong.  And I belive he thinks nothing is wrong.  You guys?  Does he know? I have given him so many "outs" to let me down and move on...and he says he doesn't want to lose me....typical LL I guess....I say I don't take it personally..but I"m going to sulk on the couch now.

It's hard to be alwaysstrong isn't it? I think you're right and you're going to burst if you don't start COMMUNICATING. I realize its a delicate issue, and you are doing what women do almost intuitively, trying to protect your man's ego - and while I think that is the right thing to do, I think you're going about it wrong.

I think he does "know", but it is too hard for him to talk about. I really think it is much less acceptable to a man to be LL than it is for a woman. You say that he claims it is age, medical issues... has he gone to a doctor? Maybe it is a physical problem. One thing that I think you can be sure of is that is NOT you. It really sounds like performance anxiety.

Would you be happy with snuggling without sex? I wonder what would happen if you removed the sex by telling him that you just want to snuggle - if he would oblige you? It sounds like he is afraid to get too close to you physically because you'll want more, and he doesn't know if he can deliver. He needs to know and understand the degree that you associate sex and physical contact with love and intimacy. It sounds like you really need to have a heart to heart without attacking his "manhood". Would he be willing to meet your sexual needs in ways other than intercourse?

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OK, I'll give it one last shot. Your guy told you he hasn't had a sex drive since before he met you. All of your posts are some version of "WHY DOESN"T HE WANT SEX?" You had your answer from the start, but you won't accept it. Why are you so unwilling to accept reality? Why do you keep banging your head against a wall? Why do you keep going to a Chinese restaurant and screaming for pizza? I'm truly mystified.

F.

p.s. To be honest, I feel a little sorry for your guy. He's clearly in love with you and does a lot to show his love. Surely he must sense that it's never enough, and that's not a good feeling to live with.

Wow, did you read my thoughts from a few years ago? Did you sneak into my bedroom and see the goings-on (or lack of goings-on)?

This EXACTLY describes what I went through with my ex. I even used the same phrase, “elephant in the room,” because we would never really talk about it. Meanwhile, I harbored the feeling of being undesired and it was like I was dying inside. Eventually we would have some catalyst or something would happen, and it would burst out of me in a very emotional way. These were full-on meltdowns, with tears, during our last year together when the sex got really sparse.

He’d tell me he wasn’t comfortable until he lost weight…so I’d reassure him and give him time and space to work on it. I knew he felt very uncomfortable talking about the subject, so I laid off of it as best as I could. Now I realize it was not only the subject itself, but my extremely emotional reaction. With tears involved (makes most guys very uncomfortable), of course he was going to sort of take the blame and make promises that it would get better. Whether he could/would keep them down the road was not in his mind; all he wanted was for me to feel better in-the-moment. So, my question to you: do you feel your guy is showing his true self in these conversations, or is he reassuring you?

Our last month together, I finally was able to talk to my ex calmly and rationally. I just had this mental shift where I wanted to devote time daily to having conversations, and make a point of asking him more about himself, his dreams, his aspirations. It was amazing how quickly he opened up and responded to this, and was very honest. For example, he revealed to me he hoped we’d be married in a few more years. He also mentioned that he’d ALWAYS had a lower-than-average sex drive, and he avoided dating in college because of it. THIS was the crucial piece of information I needed to make my next decision. I wish I had gotten it earlier.

So, can you talk to your guy rationally? I think most men open up, if they feel it’s a “safe” forum…meaning there will not be tears and emotions running high. Unfortunately, the only thing that got me to the “place” where I could do this was the fact I’d already (unconsciously, didn’t realize it at the time) disengaged mentally and emotionally from the relationship.

Hi yes, I'm perfectly fine with snuggling and I think you mentioned something that rings true to me...he may be afraid to get physically closer because I may want more.

He has been to the doctor...he does care about the issue.  He is up to other things other than intercourse.  And now I kind of understand...the intercourse may be a place where he might be afraid of letting me down which is probably why it is avoided often.

Thanks for your insight...it was helpful to me.