Mismatched Libidos

One thing that always strikes me on this board is how many posters express a need to feel sexually desired and feel an aching void when this need goes unmet. It seems this need is often more powerful than the need for actual sex. To me it's quite a foreign concept. On a visceral, pre-intellectual level, the need seems egotistical and immature to me. But I realize that's an irrational position, because I have a similarly egotistical need -- to be admired. I've always wanted people to think I have special abilities, talents, and contributions to make to the world. From a very young age I've wanted to be famous. Can anyone say grandiose?

I once read about a psychotherapist who asked her patients if their primary need was to be desired or admired, which I found fascinating. She gave Hilary Clinton as an example of a woman who was more interested in being admired than desired (and who got her wish, at some cost).

Not really asking any questions here, just interested in your thoughts.

F.

I think this is very insightful. I think one of the key differences between myself (HL) and my wife (LL) is that I crave being desired whereas she craves being admired. So to her, sexual attention can be an extreme annoyance, especially when it interferes with her efforts to do things for which others will admire her.

For us, I think of our desires as a focus on different circles of acquaintances. I strive to increase my closeness with those in my inner circle: children, siblings, good friends and most of all my significant other. I may neglect people in that outer circle: distant relatives, more distant friends, colleagues, neighbors. While I think she strives to impress people in that outer circle and neglects those in her inner circle. In a way, I think she thinks of that inner circle as her resources--people she can draw upon for help and support in impressing the outer circle.

As an extreme example of our difference: I have long considered the bedroom to be the inner sanctum at the heart of our family and my own psyche. For me, maintaining it in clean, tidy, well-decorated condition is part of respect, consideration, seduction and setting the stage for the most intimate and therefore important ritual of family and personal life: sex. To violate that holy of holies is to trample on the sacred nature of my most critical relationship. I lock the door every night at bed time. But for 23 years my wife considered the bedroom to be a storage room for things she didn't want guests to see. To her, the most important room in the house was the living room. That was the one that was kept spotless and ready to receive guests at any moment. And the husband and the children were the tools for keeping that room in that condition. If hubby had to step over clutter in the bedroom, that was fine as long as the living room was presentable. Young children were free to sleep in bed with us, but using the living room to eat or work on a school project or artwork or other possibly messy activity was forbidden.

So for me, bedroom-focus and inner-circle-focus are analogous to the need to be desired while living-room-focus and outer-circle-focus are analogous to the need to be admired. I realize this may not be a universal analogy, but since it works for me I wonder if it works for anyone else.

This is a great question.

When I was younger, I think I confused the two. Being desired or admired. I was always friends with sexually powerful girls and thought that's what I should strive for too.  It was very painful to be in their shadow and to feel like a failure at something that it turns out I didn't really want after all.

Intuitively, wanting to be desired/admired both seem like manifestations of loneliness. The older I get, the more I think that kind of deep loneliness is spiritual, and for me at least, an awful lot to ask one person to fulfill.

...hhhmmmm...I don't feel the need to be desired by anyone other than my husband...and, I don't really feel the need to be admired by anyone...I strive to live my life in such a way so that my loved ones and friends know that I love and respect them...other than that...I'm satisfied...beyond satisfied...there was a time when I wanted everyone to think that I was the most squared away wife and mother...I cared way more what "others" thought of me...now, I am still squared...but, again...I only care what my husband, children...loved ones and friends feel...as for sexual desire...it's a total smear of icing on my cake...I am a fulfilled person without it...but, I am happy as hell in my marriage because my husband feels it...